


fly

by deducingontheroof



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bullying, Death Threats, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Major Character Injury, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Selectively Mute Character, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Underage Drinking, ill add tags as necessary, slow to update apparently
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2018-05-20 16:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6017326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deducingontheroof/pseuds/deducingontheroof
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shoyo loved Yusuke.<br/><br/>Yusuke loved Shoyo. (most of the time)<br/><br/>Everything else didn't matter.<br/><br/>Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue- The Yukigaoka Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg I don't know what hell I crawled out of to write thisss sorry bb Hinata
> 
> warnings for violence and abuse
> 
> EDIT: Summary changed 09-03-2016

It started with small things.  
A shove in the hallway, just enough to make him stumble.  
Quiet laughs when he made a mistake in class.  
Knocking his stuff off his desk when they walked by.  
Everyone else thought these were accidents, but Shoyo knew better. Kamachi was targeting him. Bullying him.  


_**7 October, Yukigaoka Second Year** _

When he tried to ask Izumi and Kouji for help, they didn't take him seriously.  
  
_"You're overreacting, Sho-chan. It was an accident," Izumi told him when he was shoved into a locker, hard enough to bruise._  
_"C'mon, Shoyo, stop being so dramatic. It's your fault for having it here," Kouji scoffed when his most prized volleyball figurine was knocked off his desk and broken._  
  
"I don't need them," Shoyo muttered, holding his sleeve to his bleeding nose as he stormed off. They had just watched one of the bullies trip him on the stairs, making him face plant and maybe break his nose.  
Fighting back tears, he collapsed against a tree, angrily swiping at the blood running down his face.  
  
"Fancy meeting you here, Hina-chan," a voice drawled from behind him, and he froze.  
  
"K-Kamachi-kun," he managed, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Why, looking for you, of course." Kamachi sat down beside him, shoulder brushing against his. Shoyo quickly tried to stand up, but Kamachi grabbed his shoulder with an iron grip.  
  
"Come on, Hina-chan, don't be in such a hurry to ditch me," he said, smirking, "After all, I have something to tell you."  
  
"What?" Shoyo asked suspiciously, trying to ignore the dull pain in his shoulder.  
  
"How do I say this... I've never been good at this kinda stuff," Kamachi admitted with a laugh, "I... want to date you."  
  
Shoyo laughed, "You're joking, right? You bully me every day! Why would you wanna date me?!"  
  
"I'm making you tougher," Kamachi insisted, "I know we're only second years, but high school isn't far away. It's gonna be hard for you!"  
  
"What do you mean? High school's gonna be great!" Shoyo declared, "I'll finally get to play on a real volleyball team!"  
  
Kamachi sighed, "Hina-chan, high schoolers are cruel, you know? You're so short; you look like an elementary school kid. Plus, you play a girls' sport. If I don't help you get tougher, they'll eat you alive!"  
  
"Volleyball isn't a girls' sport! And I'm still growing!" Shoyo protested angrily, shoving Kamachi's arm off his shoulder.  
  
"If it isn't a girls' sport, why are you the only one on the team?" Kamachi questioned, and then shook his head, "That's not the point. I asked you out, so I'd like an answer, please."  
  
"I- I don't know..." Shoyo trailed off.  
  
"Come on, Shoyo! How many gay boys are in this school? Two. Me and you. If you don't date me, you won't have anyone until high school, maybe even longer," Kamachi snapped.  
  
"I... okay. I'll go out with you, Kamachi-kun," Shoyo hesitantly agreed.  
  
"Call me Yusuke now, Shoyo. We're dating, so use my first name," Kamachi- Yusuke told, then frowned, "You're covered in blood! Come on; let's get you cleaned up a bit before class starts again."  
  
_**15 October**_  
  
Shoyo coughed, barely managing to stay upright as a fist was driven into his stomach. His legs buckled, but the two boys holding his arms made sure he didn’t fall. They weren’t done with him yet.  
  
“Hit him again, Kamachi!” one of them jeered.  
  
“Yusuke, please stop,” Shoyo begged, on the brink of tears.  
  
“Really? You’re going to cry, Shoyo? You’ll never make it in high school if you can’t even take this,” Yusuke taunted, “Don’t you have to dive and stuff in volleyball? Bet that hurts, too, but you can take that. You’ll never be able to play on an actual team if you can’t handle a little pain.”  
  
He- was he right? Shoyo didn’t know. Yeah, you had to dive for receives in volleyball, but it didn’t hurt that much… did it? Unless it did… Having a high pain tolerance wasn’t a bad thing, so maybe Yusuke was right.  
Shoyo bit his lip to keep from crying out as he was punched again, then slapped across the face. He could take it.  
  
The two boys holding him threw him to the ground, and all three started kicking him. He curled in on himself, squeezing his eyes closed and waiting for it to be over.  
  
_**17 November**_  
  
“Come study at my house after school,” Yusuke invited, sitting backwards in his chair so he could face Shoyo.  
  
“I have volleyball practice,” Shoyo said, “I could come over after, though.”  
  
Yusuke laughed, “Shoyo, you’re the only one in that stupid club. No one’s gonna care if you skip a day. Besides, you need to study. Remember your mark on the last test?”  
  
“Who cares about English anyways? I’m Japanese,” Shoyo grumbled, “It was just a dumb test.”  
  
“A dumb test you scored 9 points on. That’s not going to cut it if we want to go to the same high school. You do need to pas the entrance exams,” Yusuke informed.  
  
“But high school’s still far away!” Shoyo insisted.  
  
“Not that far. Come study after school, okay?”  
  
“I guess I can miss one day,” Shoyo agreed.  
  
“Great! We’ll head to my place after school. And stop picking at your food. What are you, a child?” Yusuke snapped, “Eat it properly or don’t eat it at all.”  
  
_**21 December**_  
  
“Sho-chan, are you coming to Kouji’s for Christmas?” Izumi asked him.  
  
“Eh… not this year. Yusuke wanted to do something. I’m going to the shrine with him on New Year’s, too. Sorry,” Shoyo apologized sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Kamachi-san lately,” Izumi pointed out, “Didn’t he used to bully you?”  
  
_He still does._  
  
“Yeah, he did. Not anymore, though!” Hinata declared, faking a smile, “I really like him, so of course we spend a lot of time together.”  
  
“Okay, I guess that makes sense. Want to come over tonight? Kouji wanted to have a monster movie marathon, and I know how much you like those!” Izumi invited.  
  
_I want to go. I love monster movies._  
  
“Sorry, Izumi! Me and Yusuke were gonna study, and maybe play some volleyball,” Shoyo responded.  
  
_Like he would play volleyball with me._  
  
“Alright, that’s fine,” Izumi assured, “Next time!”  
  
“Yeah, next time.”  
  
_**25 December**_  
  
The force of Yusuke’s backhand sent him reeling back against the wall. He forced the impending tears away and steadied himself.  
  
“I’m sorry, Yusuke. Between studying and volleyball, I didn’t have any time,” Shoyo said, looking at the ground.  
  
“Again with the volleyball! God, Shoyo, you care about that stupid sport way too much!” Yusuke yelled, “You are the only one in the goddamn club! Would it have killed you to skip a day to go shopping?!”  
  
“I’m already skipping two days a week to study, plus the weekends! If I don’t practice, I’ll never get better!” Shoyo shouted in return.  
  
“Don’t you ever raise your voice to me again,” Yusuke ordered voice full of fury. He hit Shoyo again, knocking him down, and kicked him once, forcefully.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Shoyo gasped, “Please stop hurting me.”  
  
Yusuke kicked him once more before taking a seat on the bed, “You should quit volleyball.”  
  
Shoyo felt like his heart was shattering, “What?! No! Why would I ever do that?”  
  
“You’re not doing any good there anyways. You’re the only member, it’s not like you can play games! If you quit, you’d have way more time to spend with me. You do want to be a good boyfriend, right?”  
  
“Of course I do… but I don’t want to quit volleyball,” Shoyo declared defiantly.  
  
Yusuke sighed, “If you want to keep wasting your time, I won’t stop you. But you have to make time for me sometimes, seeing as we are in a relationship.”  
  
_**17 January**_  
  
“Yusuke! Yusuke, look!” Shoyo exclaimed, running up to his boyfriend and shoving his graded test in his face.  
  
“Shoyo, what is this?”  
  
“I got my English test back, and look! 68 points!! I’ve improved so much, thanks to you!” Shoyo said happily.  
  
Yusuke looked significantly less impressed, “I don’t understand why you’re so worked up about this. I mean, it’s not a good grade. You need to work a little harder.”  
  
“But I’ve been trying, and I did better! Isn’t it good enough that I tried my best?” Shoyo asked, desperately looking for approval.  
  
“No! Shoyo, people who ‘work hard,’ who ‘do their best,’ they’re the ones who ultimately fail. You need to do better, spend less time screwing around and more time studying!” Yusuke reprimanded.  
  
“I guess you’re right,” Shoyo mumbled, suddenly feeling small, “I’ll study more.”  
  
Yusuke smiled, “Now you’re getting it. Come over tonight, we can study.”  
  
“But I have volleyball-” Shoyo cut himself off when Yusuke raised an eyebrow, “Never mind. I can skip tonight.”  
  
“That’s more like it,” Yusuke said, satisfied.  
  
_**14 February**_  
  
“Skip your afternoon classes and come up to the roof with me,” Yusuke prompted, holding the box of chocolates Shoyo gave him in one hand and tugging at Shoyo’s wrist with the other.  
  
“I dunno… aren’t you always telling me to do better in school, to pay attention so I’ll do better?” Shoyo asked hesitantly.  
  
“Shut up, dumbass. Are you really so stupid that you can’t miss one class?” Yusuke sneered.  
  
“No,” Shoyo denied.  
  
“Then let’s go!”  
  
The two of them went up to the roof, making sure no one saw them ditching. Once they were alone, Yusuke pinned Shoyo against a wall, kissing him hungrily and digging his nails into Shoyo’s arms. It hurt, hurt so much, but Yusuke rarely kissed him, and he didn’t want to ruin it by complaining. He always did.  
  
Out of nowhere, Yusuke pulled away and slapped Shoyo hard. He slumped back against the wall, in pain but not shocked. He was used to it by now.  
  
“I can’t believe you, Shoyo,” Yusuke said, pressing his hand into Shoyo’s throat, who gasped for breath, tears forming in his eyes, “Ditching class to come make out on the roof? Come on! You’re not smart enough to be missing class! Don’t you want to get into the same high school as me?”  
  
“O-Of course I do,” Shoyo choked out, desperate for the pressure on his throat to be alleviated.  
  
“Then stop being such an idiot and get ready for the exams! They may be a year away, but someone as dumb as you is gonna need that long to prepare. You need to quit volleyball and study more. Am I understood?” Yusuke asked, eyes glinting dangerously.  
  
“But-”  
  
Yusuke tightened his grip, _“Am I understood?”_  
  
“Yes,” Shoyo rasped reluctantly, “I’ll quit volleyball.”  
  
“See, that wasn’t so hard!” Yusuke smiled, letting him go, “Now get to class. See you after school, babe.”  
  
He walked away, leaving Shoyo alone on the roof. He massaged his throat, taking huge gulps of air, and let himself cry.  
  
_**17 February**_  
  
“We’re worried about you, Sho-chan!” Izumi insisted, on the verge of tears.  
  
“There’s nothing to worry about,” Shoyo insisted, fiddling with the scarf he was wearing to hide the marks Yusuke had left.  
  
“Shoyo, you quit volleyball! You loved that club more than anything! And you haven’t done anything with us in months!” Kouji yelled.  
  
“Yusuke and I have been busy,” Shoyo defended coldly, each word tearing his heart apart. He was pushing his only friends away, and it hurt so badly.  
  
“Why is everything about Kamachi-san? Why can’t you do something on your own for once?” Izumi demanded.  
  
“You don’t understand.”  
  
Kouji snorted, “Like we ‘don’t understand’ why you keep coming to school with bruises? And how we ‘don’t understand’ why you’re wearing that scarf?”  
  
Shoyo felt dread seeping into his bones, “You don’t know anything. Leave me alone.”  
  
He turned to leave, and Kouji grabbed his wrist to stop him. A bolt of primal fear shot through him, and he instinctively whirled on Kouji, yanking his wrist away and slapping him hard.  
  
Kouji stood there, stunned, as Shoyo stomped away. His shoulders started to shake, and yet again, he struggled to fight back tears.  
  
_Why did I do that?!_  
_I’m not him!!_  
_I’m-_  
_Please, don’t let me turn into him._  
  
_**1 April, Start of Yukigaoka Third Year**_  
  
“Isn’t it great that we’re in the same class this year?” Yusuke exclaimed, throwing an arm around Shoyo’s shoulders and squeezing them harder than was necessary, “We can be together all the time!”  
  
“Yeah,” Shoyo agreed, looking down, “It’s great.”  
  
_**3 April**_  
  
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Shoyo?” Yusuke asked, resting his head on Shoyo’s shoulder as they studied together.  
  
“What?” Shoyo responded.  
  
“Don’t tell me you actually forgot your boyfriend’s birthday!” Yusuke exclaimed indigitantly.  
  
“It- it’s your birthday?!” Shoyo spluttered, terrified, “I’m so sorry, I forgot- I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me!”  
  
“Are you trying to be a terrible boyfriend?” Yusuke demanded, grabbing a handful of Shoyo’s hair and forcing his head back, “I’ve been good to you, haven’t I? I give you a lot, and you can’t even remember my birthday.  
  
“Happy birthday, Yusuke,” Shoyo managed, flinching in pain as his boyfriend pulled harder on his hair.  
  
“Don’t forget again,” Yusuke growled, throwing him back and off the bed. Shoyo cried out as his head hit the floor.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
_**29 April**_  
  
“Harder! Hit him harder!”  
  
Shoyo bit his lip to keep from crying out as he was punched repeatedly in the gut. Yusuke was holding him up, encouraging the other guy.  
  
“Stop this, please,” Shoyo begged. All that got him was a harder punch, and a sharp tug on his hair from Yusuke.  
  
“You like this, don’t you?” Yusuke murmured in his ear as he took hit after hit, “You like it when I punish you. You know that I’m helping you, right? Tell me you like it, Shoyo.”  
  
“I like it,” Shoyo forced out, “Please continue to punish me.”  
  
“That’s better,” Yusuke said, satisfied, before throwing him against a wall.  
  
_**18 May**_  
  
“Where do you want to go to high school, Hinata-kun?” the sensei asked.  
  
“Hmm, somewhere with a good volleyball team, with a setter that makes the ball go fwoosh and swish!” Shoyo told animatedly, then hesitated, “I mean… that’d be nice! But I’ll probably go wherever Yusuke goes.”  
  
“Yusuke? You mean Kamachi Yusuke-kun? Why does it matter where he goes?” the sensei asked again, confused.  
  
Shoyo plastered a large smile on his face, “He’s my boyfriend, you know? I want to stay at the same school as him, so I’ll just go wherever he is!”  
  
“Shouldn’t you be thinking about yourself first?”  
  
“Trust me, I am.”  
  
_If I do what he wants me to, I won’t get hurt._  
  
_**21 June**_  
  
“It’s my birthday today,” Shoyo pointed out, looking up from his textbook.  
  
Yusuke looked up from his own, “Oh. Happy birthday, Shoyo.”  
  
They returned to their studying.  
  
**13 July**  
  
Shoyo’s phone went off while he and Yusuke were studying. His boyfriend grabbed the phone, reading the message.  
  
“Kouji-kun says he misses you. He wants you to apply to Datekogyo with him and Izumi-kun,” Yusuke told lazily before backhanding Shoyo hard, “I told you, turn your phone off when we’re together.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“Are you going to apply there?” Yusuke asked.  
  
“I dunno. Probably not. I kinda want to go to Seijoh,” Shoyo proposed.  
  
Yusuke laughed, “Shoyo, there’s no chance that you’ll get accepted into Aoba Johsai with your grades. I was thinking Karasuno. It’s just over the mountain.”  
  
_Karasuno. The flightless crows. They don’t have a good volleyball team, and their setter won’t make the ball go fwoosh or swish._  
  
“If that’s where you want to go, then I’m okay with it,” Shoyo agreed.  
  
“Of course you are, babe,” Yusuke smiled, leaning over and kissing him.  
  
_**7 October**_  
  
“Are you actually joking?!” Yusuke shouted, “You made plans with someone else… on our anniversary, you fucking dumbass?!”  
  
“I’m sorry, I forgot!!” Shoyo defended desperately, “But Kouji has an important tournament, and I wanted to reconnect with him before we went our separate ways!”  
  
Yusuke grabbed him by the collar and tossed him against a wall. Shoyo’s head connected with a sickening crunch, and he felt blood start dripping down the back of his neck.  
  
“You’re not going. We’re going to spend the night together, because it’s our anniversary. That is, if you still want to date me,” Yusuke informed coldly.  
  
“Of course I do! I- I’ll tell Kouji I can’t make it.”  
  
“Yeah, you will.”  
  
_**17 November**_  
  
“One of my friends has a tennis tournament tomorrow, wanna go?” Yusuke suggested.  
  
_I hate tennis._  
  
“I’d love to!” Shoyo declared happily.  
  
“Great! It’ll be done late, so you’re staying at my place.”  
  
_He didn’t ask me. I don’t want to._  
  
“Sounds good to me!”  
  
_**25 December**_  
  
“Merry Christmas, babe,” Yusuke mumbled into Shoyo’s neck as he sucked on it, leaving a sizeable hickey.  
  
“Merry Christmas,” Shoyo responded. Yusuke leaned down and connected their mouths once more, kissing Shoyo messily.  
  
“My parents won’t be back for a couple days,” Yusuke whispered mischievously, “Wanna have some fun?”  
  
“I don’t know… I’m not really comfortable-” Shoyo started, but was cut off when Yusuke dug his nails into the exposed flesh on Shoyo’s chest.  
  
“Come on, Shoyo, I thought you were done being a little bitch about this stuff. You’re mine, and you’ll do what I say,” Yusuke said commandingly, “I wanna hear you say it.”  
  
“I’m yours, Yusuke. I belong to you.” Shoyo hated every word coming out of his mouth, “Do whatever you want to me.”  
  
_**29 January**_  
  
“We miss you, Sho-chan,” Izumi said sadly.  
  
“Sorry. I just- I don’t have any time. I have to prepare for exams,” Shoyo apologized. He knew he was making excuses; Yusuke didn’t like Izumi or Kouji, so he didn’t get much time to spend with them.  
  
“Where are you going for high school?”  
  
Shoyo smiled, “Karasuno. I’ve applied there, so now I just need to pass the exam. What about you? Still thinking about Dateko?”  
  
“Yep,” Izumi confirmed, “Kouji and I are going there on sports recommendations, since we did well in the Inter-High.”  
  
“I’m happy for you!” Shoyo told, hugging his friend.  
  
There was a divide between them now, and it would probably never heal. That’s two friends he’s lost forever in the name of love.  
  
If you could call it love.  
  
_**17 February**_  
  
Shoyo hit the ground hard, dropping his books everywhere. Flustered, he started to gather them up, with the guy who tripped him watching and laughing.  
  
Once he had all his books, Yusuke helped him up, but it was difficult with how hard his boyfriend was laughing.  
  
“Ahh, you should have seen that, Shoyo. It was hilarious,” he wheezed, wiping tears out of his eyes.  
  
“It kinda hurt,” Shoyo murmured.  
  
“Don’t give me that crap, you’re used to pain by now,” Yusuke ordered, shoving him hard. He barely managed to keep his balance this time.  
  
_**2 March**_  
  
“We both got in!” Yusuke crowed, kissing Shoyo hard and biting his lip until he cried out softly in pain as his mouth filled with the metallic tang of blood.  
  
“This is great! We’ll be together for another 3 years!” Shoyo exclaimed with false enthusiasm.  
  
_Someone, save me._  
  
“I’ve been thinking, Shoyo, and since you did so well on the exam, I’ll let you join the Karasuno volleyball club,” Yusuke told, smiling.  
  
Shoyo gasped, but this time, out of excitement, “Thank you, Yusuke!” He hugged his boyfriend hard, and held back tears of joy. Volleyball! Something he loved! For the first time in a year and a half, he was full of feeling. Full of hope.  
  
_**Present Day, Karasuno First Year**_  
  
“Hope,” Shoyo murmured quietly to himself as he stood outside the doors to the gym. Inside, he could hear the squeak of sneakers on the floor, and volleyballs slamming into the ground, as well as shouts of “Don’t mind, don’t mind!” and “I’ve got it!” He took a deep breath and smiled, preparing himself, before stepping inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it'll get better for hina-chan eventually, especially now that hes at karasuno!  
> please tell me what you think, i love to hear feedback!


	2. 1- Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the first step into the gym, Shoyo knew he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for violence and abuse

With the first step into the gym, Shoyo knew he was home.  
  
The gym smelled of Air Salonpas and sweat. There was a volleyball net set up, stretching across the gym, and a few stray balls were strewn around. That gym was obviously home to a dedicated volleyball club. He could finally be part of something great!  
  
He was, surprisingly, the first one there, so he started hitting serves while he waited. Not very good serves, but they were going over the net. Most of the time.  
  
"You're not very good at serving, are you?" came a voice from behind. He spun around to see a black-haired boy leaning against the door frame.  
  
"So??" Shoyo demanded defensively, "I'm good at other stuff! Who the hell are you, anyways?"  
  
"Kageyama. I'm a first-year, like you," he responded.  
  
"Gwaah?? But you're so tall!!" Shoyo exclaimed.  
  
"What junior high did you go to? I don't remember seeing you in any matches," Kageyama asked, completely ignoring Shoyo's statement.  
  
"Uhh... I went to Yukigaoka! But I was the only one on the team... and I had to quit in my second year," Shoyo explained quickly.  
  
"Why the hell would you have to quit?" Kageyama demanded.  
  
_Am I understood?_  
  
"Oh, you know. Studying and stuff," Shoyo said, covering up his unhappiness with a small laugh.  
  
"Hey, look! First-years!" came a voice from outside the gym. Kageyama moved out of the doorway to let three more people in.  
  
"They beat us here! Daichi, I totally win the bet!" the silver-haired one crowed, "You're treating me to ramen later!"  
  
"Ramen? Why wasn't I in on this bet?" the buzzcut guy whined.  
  
"You eat way too much, Tanaka," the third guy- Daichi?- said.  
  
“Anyways! Welcome, first-years. I’m the captain, Sawamura Daichi, third-year,” Daichi introduced.  
  
“I’m Sugawara Koushi, also a third-year, but you can call me Suga!” Silver-Hair Guy said, smiling, “I’m the current setter.”  
  
“Name’s Tanaka Ryuunosuke, third-year ace,” Buzzcut Guy told, staring at them in an intimidating fashion, “Don’t you first-years get out of line, y’hear? I’ll teach ya to respect your senpais.”  
  
Daichi lightly hit the back of Tanaka’s head, “Don’t listen to this guy. He’s a second-year, and won’t be the ace until he improves his serves.”  
  
“Oi, don’t knock on me like that, Daichi-san!” Tanaka protested, “My serves aren’t bad! Better than Ennoshita’s!”  
  
“Guys! Let’s focus! We’re supposed to be welcoming the first-years into the club,” Suga interrupted, “We’re still waiting for two more, though... Should we start without them?”  
  
“No! We’re here!” Shoyo turned to the door again, as a freckled guy stumbled in, dragging a really tall guy by the wrist.  
  
“Okay! That’s everyone, then. Why don’t you start us off, Daichi?” Suga suggested.  
  
“Okay! Welcome to the Karasuno High School Volleyball Club, first-years! I’m Sawamura Daichi, your captain, and this is Suga, our setter, and Tanaka, a wing-spiker. Tanaka, wipe that look off your face.” Tanaka, who had been trying to intimidate them again, hastily replaced the scary look with a more neutral expression. “Why don’t you all introduce yourselves?”  
  
“I guess I’ll start,” Freckled Guy said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi, and this is Tsukishima! We’re both middle blockers, from Amemaru Junior High!”  
  
“Tsukishima! How tall are you?” Shoyo blurted out, unable to stop himself.  
  
“Tsukki is 188cm!” Yamaguchi told proudly.  
  
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima snapped sharply.  
  
“Sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi apologized.  
  
“Whatever. You next, King,” Tsukishima prompted in a bored tone, fixing his gaze on Kageyama.  
  
“Don’t call me that,” Kageyama ordered harshly.  
  
“Whatever you say, King,” Tsukishima smirked.  
  
“Ugh. Stupid Tsukishima. Whatever. Kageyama Tobio, from Kitagawa Daichi. I’m a setter.”  
  
The expectant gazes of the other club members were suddenly fixed on Shoyo. He gulped before quickly saying, “H-Hinata Shoyo, Yukigaoka Junior High! I- I’m a spiker, and I want to become the ace and become the next Small Giant!”  
  
Tsukishima snorted, “Ace? Yeah, right. How tall are you, 160cm?”  
  
“163 if you round up!” Shoyo insisted indigitantly, “I’ll be the ace, just watch me!”  
  
“Guys,” Suga interrupted, “No fighting on the first day! You’re all teammates now, after all!”  
  
“Suga’s right. If you want to be on the court, you need to get along with the other members. Volleyball is a team sport, and you can’t win without relying on your teammates,” Daichi told. Shoyo thought he saw Kageyama flinch slightly, but he was probably wrong.  
  
“You should pay attention, King,” Tsukishima taunted, “You’ve never trusted your teammates, have you? Maybe that’s why they deserted you~”  
  
“Shut up!” Kageyama yelled, “That’s not- you have-”  
  
“Oi! Stop fighting and listen to the captain!” Tanaka shouted in response. Kageyama bit back the next part of his statement, but shot Tsukishima a murderous glare. Shoyo shivered; Kageyama was scary.  
  
“Thank you, Tanaka. Now, we’ll start off with 5 laps of the gym to warm up, then we’ll dive right into spiking practice,” Daichi told, “We’ll also be having a 3v3 on Sunday, to test your abilities. You will be divided into two pairs, and joined by one of the upperclassmen. I’ll be observing your practice today, and dividing you at the beginning of tomorrow’s practice. Begin!”  
  
At Daichi’s words, the first-years started jogging around the gym. Shoyo found himself struggling a bit; he was definitely out of practice. He hadn’t played volleyball in… he didn’t know how long. More than a year. It would probably take him a few weeks to get in shape again.  
  
Shoyo finished his laps last, breathing harder than any of the others. Daichi had Suga and Kageyama tossing, and everyone else except for him was spiking. Tanaka’s first hit was a powerful hit off Kageyama’s perfect toss; it impacted the ground loudly, barely staying in bounds.  
  
“So cool…” Shoyo breathed. He wanted to hit the ball. He wanted to spike it. He wanted to _play volleyball again, hurry up, let me hit it!_  
  
Suga tossed it high, and Shoyo went into an approach run. He jumped up, and hit the ball as hard as he could.  
  
Or, he tried. But the ball was too far past his hand, and he swung at empty air.  
  
“Sorry, Suga-san!” Shoyo apologized, “That was such a good toss, too!”  
  
“Don’t mind, Hinata. Let’s try again,” Suga suggested, smiling.  
  
But the same thing happened the next time. And the time after that. Shoyo- had no idea how to time his attacks.  
  
“Thought you said you were a spiker, Shorty,” Tsukishima commented, “When’s the last time you actually hit a spike?”  
  
“I don’t remember,” Shoyo admitted, looking at the ground, “I- haven’t played volleyball since I quit my junior high club in second year.”  
  
“You quit the team? But- you seem like you love volleyball! Was I wrong about that?” Suga asked worriedly.  
  
“I do! I really do, more than anything!” Shoyo insisted, “But I- I couldn’t stay on the team! I was the only member, so I couldn’t play games… and I had to study! I had to improve my grades so I could get in here!”  
  
“That’s stupid. If you want to play volleyball, play volleyball,” Kageyama scoffed.  
  
“I-” Shoyo started, unsure of what to say, “It… isn’t that simple.”  
  
_You need to quit volleyball and study more. Am I understood?_  
  
“But-” Kageyama started.  
  
“Let’s leave Hinata alone, alright?” Suga said, “It’s the first day! Let’s just get back to practicing. Hinata, let’s practice separately for now, okay? Kageyama can toss to everyone else, and we can work on your timing.”  
  
Suga tossed to him again and again, and slowly, Shoyo started to sink into his old habits. He was loosening up, jumping a bit higher, and getting used to Suga’s timing.  
  
“Excellent, Hinata!” Suga complimented as Shoyo managed to get a solid hit in, sending the ball flying across the court and nearly nailing Daichi in the head.  
  
“S-Sorry, captain!!” Shoyo apologized quickly, involuntarily tensing up.  
  
“It’s fine,” Daichi dismissed, “That was a nice hit.”  
  
“Thank you!”  
  
Soon enough, Shoyo had enough of his old reflexes back to rejoin the rest of the team.  
  
“It’s like riding a bike!” Shoyo announced the first time he successfully hit Kageyama’s toss, “You don’t ever really forget, you just kinda forget, but then you remember!”  
  
“That’s not how it works,” Kageyama informed bluntly.  
  
“Whatever! Just toss me another one!” Shoyo yelled, suddenly impatient to hit the ball.  
  
Kageyama set the ball high, and Shoyo went into an approach run. He was about to jump when-  
  
“Shoyo!” someone barked from the doorway. Shoyo stumbled, and the ball dropped on his head as he turned to see who was calling him.  
  
“Oh- Yusuke! What is it?” he asked, trying to sound cheerful rather than terrified.  
  
“My study group is finished, so let’s head home,” Yusuke suggested- well, it sounded like a suggestion, but it was an order.  
  
“But practice isn’t done yet,” Shoyo protested feebly.  
  
“Come on, Shoyo, it’s the first day. We haven’t spent any time together at all! Let’s go, okay? I’ll be waiting at the front gate, please be there within 15 minutes.” Yusuke’s words sounded polite, but Shoyo could hear the underlying threats. _Be there in 15, or I’ll punish you again. Do you want to stay in volleyball?_  
  
Once Yusuke left, Shoyo turned to the captain.  
  
“I’m sorry, captain, but I have to go!” Shoyo apologized nervously.  
  
“It’s alright, I guess,” Daichi said, sounding slightly stunned.  
  
“Who the hell was that, dumbass? You can’t just leave practice!” Kageyama yelled, stalking up to him.  
  
“That was… Kamachi Yusuke, my, uh, boyfriend,” Shoyo admitted shyly.  
  
“Your- oh. Uhh. I- umm, oh” Kageyama stammered, unsure of what to say next.  
  
“Yeah. We aren’t in the same class, so we don’t have much time to spend together. So, I have to go with him!” Shoyo told.  
  
“Okay, just- will this be a regular thing? You can’t be missing practice that much,” Daichi questioned.  
  
_I hope not. Please, don’t let this become regular._  
  
“Nope! Don’t worry, Daichi-san!” Shoyo reassured.  
  
“I’ll be here early tomorrow, if you want to come practice for a bit,” Suga invited.  
  
“That sounds great, Suga-san!” Shoyo smiled.  
  
“Alright! Come any time after 5,” Suga told.  
  
“I will! See you all later, guys!” Shoyo said before leaving the gym.  
  
_Crap, crap, crap. That took too long. I have to change quickly, before Yusuke gets mad._  
  
He all but ran up to the club room to get changed, and was out again within 5 minutes. He quickly jogged to the front gates, where Yusuke was waiting, tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
“13 minutes, Shoyo. That was close,” he remarked, “Let’s go.”  
  
The two started walking, heading for the path that wrapped around the base of the mountain. If they were on bikes, they could go over the mountain, but Yusuke didn’t ride bikes.  
  
“So, how was your study group?” Shoyo asked brightly, trying to make conversation.  
  
“It was good. There were some pretty intelligent people, so it will be beneficial for me,” Yusuke told, “And you? How was volleyball? Looked like there were actually some members, surprisingly enough.”  
  
“It was fun!!” Shoyo exclaimed, excitement evident in his voice, “There was this setter that made the ball go _fwooh_ , and he was super nice! He practiced for a long time with me! And the other setter was all _zoom_ and _pyaah_! He was super awkward, though, and blunt. I don’t think he knew it, but he was super mean! And there was this blond guy-”  
  
Shoyo was cut off when Yusuke turned and slapped him, hard. Shoyo stumbled, and Yusuke grabbed him by the hair.  
  
“You’re way too excited, Shoyo. It’s just a stupid sports club. It’s not like you’re doing anything actually worthwhile,” Yusuke sneered, tugging at his hair. Shoyo could feel tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, but forced them down. It would be 10 times worse if he cried.  
  
“I- you’re right. It’s just a club,” Shoyo muttered, not believing his words.  
  
“I hope you won’t be staying this late every day,” Yusuke said, releasing him, “That’ll be a problem, since my study group will usually finish around this time. If we want to have any time together before I have cram school, it will have to be now.”  
  
“I can probably leave early some days… but I’ll have to stay late most of the time, so I get better,” Shoyo declared boldly, instantly regretting his words as Yusuke stopped walking again.  
  
“What was that?” he asked in a low tone.  
  
Shoyo tried to backtrack, “I mean- I don’t have to… I could- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”  
  
Shoyo choked on his next words as Yusuke grabbed him by the throat, applying enough pressure to make Shoyo’s vision blur.  
  
“You will not talk back to me like that again. You will leave volleyball when I’m done my study group. You will do what I say, when I say it. Do you understand me?” Yusuke told in a dangerous tone.  
  
“Yes,” Shoyo managed to say, tears leaking down his face.  
  
“Good.” Yusuke threw Shoyo to the ground, kicking him once for good measure. Shoyo coughed, gasping for breath, and massaged his throat.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Shoyo said again, shakily standing up.  
  
“I know. Now, let’s go, it’s a bit of a walk and I don’t have forever.”  
  
The two of them started walking again, and Shoyo fought back tears again.  
  
_Hope? Hah. There is no hope, even with volleyball. I’ll never be free, will I?_

  


- 

  


Koushi watched worriedly as Hinata hastily exited the gym.  
  
“Daichi,” he said quietly, “Am I imagining things, or did Hinata seem different when Kamachi-kun was here?”  
  
“No, I thought so too,” Daichi confirmed, “He was quiet, and subdued. I’ve only known him for a short amount of time, but Hinata Shoyo wasn’t meant to be quiet.”  
  
Koushi laughed grimly, “You’ve got that right. And the way he tried to protest... and gave in so quickly... Hopefully it’s nothing to worry about…”  
  
Come on, let’s just get back to practice,” Daichi said, taking Koushi’s wrist and leading him back onto the court, “It won’t do any good to worry about him. After all, we barely know him. It’s probably nothing.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s probably nothing,” Koushi agreed distractedly, “I’ll keep an eye on him, though. Just in case.”  
  
Koushi threw himself into practice, but he couldn’t shake the bad feeling in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love to hear your feedback, so please let me know what you think! <3


	3. 2- Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoyo checked his phone. He froze; he had missed 18 messages and 5 calls from Yusuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the wait~ i'm terrible at sticking to a schedule! i'm going to try to write a few chapters ahead, so i can update more consistently. enjoy the chapter!
> 
> warnings for manipulation and flashbacks

The time was exactly 4:52 AM, and Shoyo was patiently waiting. Okay, not that patiently. Yeah, Suga said to come after 5, but Shoyo had woken up around 4 and couldn't get back to sleep. He was just too excited! He got to do extra practice with a real setter, one of his senpai!  
  
"Hinata-kun, you're early!" Suga's greeting startled him, and he spun to face the setter, hands raised warily.  
  
"Suga-san! I couldn't sleep, so I just came early so I'd be here when you got here!" Shoyo declared.  
  
"Well, that's some dedication!" Suga said, smiling. Gwaah, Suga looked like an actual angel when he smiled! "Come on, let's go set up."  
  
Suga unlocked the doors to the gym, and for the second time in as many days, Shoyo stepped into the gym. He was still so happy to get the chance to practice in a real gym, to have real teammates!  
  
Suga quickly showed Shoyo where everything was, and the two of them set the net up quickly. They then began spiking practice. Since they were working one-on-one with no one else around, Suga was able to give Shoyo more feedback, and the practice was more beneficial.  
  
Eventually, people started to trickle in for morning practice. Surprisingly, Daichi was the last one to arrive, and he stumbled in 2 minutes before practice, seemingly still half-asleep.  
  
"Did you stay up too late again, Daichi?" Suga teased.  
  
"Shut up, Kou. We all know you don't sleep, you vampire," Daichi mumbled semi-coherently, resting his chin on the setter's shoulder.  
  
Suga sighed, "Let's just start practice, okay? Daichi. Wake up. You need to go captain."  
  
Daichi rubbed his eyes, "Too early. Who invented mornings anyways. Okay. Captain stuff. Practice. Uhh."  
  
Suga sighed again, "Okay, looks like I'm captain today. Let's start off with 5 laps around the gym, then a lap of flying falls."  
  
"Wahh?" Tanaka spluttered, "Suga-san, why? I trusted you!"  
  
"What's that, Tanaka?" Suga asked, "You want to run an extra lap?"  
  
Tanaka yelped, and started running. Shoyo bounced up excitedly and began to run as well. He was so excited, he could run for hours! He wanted to play volleyball again!  
  
"Oi, what are you doing? Slow down," Kageyama snapped at him, "You have to pace yourself or you'll be sick, dumbass."  
  
_You really are a dumbass, aren’t you?_  
  
Shoyo found it hard to breathe suddenly. Was he really just seen as a dumbass?  
  
"I don't have to listen to you, Bakageyama!" he yelled, sticking out his tongue and speeding up.  
  
"Oi!" Kageyama yelled back, accelerating and keeping pace, "You're out of shape, you're going to hurt yourself!"  
  
"Maybe you're just scared. Maybe you can't keep up," Shoyo taunted.  
  
"Hahh?! As if, dumbass!!" Kageyama protested.  
  
_You fucking dumbass._  
  
"Prove it, then! Race me, and we'll see who finishes first!" Shoyo challenged.  
  
"You're on!" Kageyama shouted, and both of them started sprinting. They blew past everyone else, going almost twice the speed.  
  
"Hey, slow down, guys! It's just a warm-up!" Suga rebuked, but was ignored.  
  
-  
  
Kageyama won. Shoyo was too out of shape to compete. That didn't stop him, though. For the rest of practice, Shoyo was constantly challenging Kageyama, and trying his best to defeat him. It didn't go so well.  
  
"I win again," Kageyama declared, "That's 6-0, me."  
  
"I'll beat you, stupid Kageyama!" Shoyo shouted, "Just watch me!"  
  
"Umm… Hinata-kun, Kageyama-kun," Ennoshita said, "I hate to interrupt, but practice is over."  
  
"Gwaah??" Shoyo exclaimed, looking around. They were the only ones left in the gym, "Where did everyone go?"  
  
"Class, I'd imagine. You two should go soon, or you'll be late," Ennoshita told as he left the gym.  
  
Shoyo and Kageyama exchanged a look, before taking off. Neither of them bothered to change, focusing only on being the first one to get to class.  
  
This time, Shoyo won, barely. They both burst into the classroom just on time, but Shoyo was slightly ahead.  
  
"That makes it 6-1," Shoyo declared triumphantly.  
  
"Don't get cocky, I'll win next time," Kageyama grumbled.  
  
With a few minutes left until class actually started, Shoyo checked his phone. He froze; he had missed 18 messages and 5 calls from Yusuke. He had forgotten to tell his boyfriend that he was going in early! He had messed up really bad, and he could barely keep the raw terror he was feeling contained. He could barely breathe, he was so scared about what would happen to him. Yusuke would be furious.  
  
"Oi, dumbass. Are you okay? You look constipated," Kageyama commented.  
  
Shoyo plastered a fake smile on his face, pushing down the fear, "I'm fine! You're the one who always looks constipated, Grumpyama-kun!"  
  
Kageyama reached towards his head,  
_a hand fisted in his hair_  
and he instinctively threw himself back,  
_tears streaming down his face_  
panicking.  
  
"I'm sorry!" he apologized instinctively.  
  
_I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry-_  
  
Kageyama had an odd look on his face, "What are you doing? I wasn't gonna hit you, dumbass."  
  
"I-I knew that!" Shoyo stammered defensively, "I just- I don't like people touching me."  
  
The air was now thick with tension, and Shoyo took the opportunity to send an apology text to Yusuke before silently waiting for class to begin. The text he received in response simply read _'Wait outside my classroom when lunch starts.'_ Pushing away the impending panic, Shoyo put his phone away and tried his best to pay attention to the teacher.  
  
-  
  
Class seemed to drag on forever, but when lunch hit, Shoyo wished it had gone on even longer. His stomach was full of dread as he stood up and started heading for the door.  
  
"Oi, where are you going?" Kageyama asked.  
  
"I'm eating lunch with Yusuke," he answered brightly, "Don't miss me too much, Bakageyama!"  
  
Every step he took towards Yusuke's classroom felt like ten. He was terrified, and struggling to breathe, to keep calm. After what seemed like forever, Class 1-4 was in front of him. He leaned against the wall next to the door, waiting for Yusuke to come out.  
  
When someone finally came out, it wasn't who he was expecting.  
  
Tsukishima blinked, "What are you doing here, shorty? This is a college prep class."  
  
"What the hell's that supposed to mean, Tsukishima?" Shoyo demanded.  
  
"It means, idiot, that this class is for people with actual intelligence," Tsukishima told condescendingly, while Yamaguchi snickered.  
  
"What the _hell_ did you just say to my boyfriend?!"  
  
Tsukishima was rudely shoved to one side, and Yusuke came out of the classroom, furious.  
  
"Y-Yusuke!" Shoyo exclaimed nervously.  
  
"Kamachi. Is there a problem?" Tsukishima asked blandly.  
  
"Yeah, there is. No one talks to Shoyo like that, understood?" Yusuke said in a threatening tone.  
  
_You do._  
  
"Whatever. Let's go, Yamaguchi," Tsukishima said.  
  
Once the pair was out of sight, Yusuke harshly grabbed Shoyo's wrist and started dragging him somewhere.  
  
"Where are we going?" Shoyo asked weakly, but got no answer.  
  
Yusuke stopped in front of a door, and shoved Shoyo in, locking it behind them. Shoyo blinked; they were in the janitor's closet.  
  
"Yusuke, what-" Shoyo started, but was cut off by a hard slap to the face. He staggered backwards, clutching his cheek.  
  
"What happened this morning?" he demanded coldly.  
  
"I-I had early practice, I'm sorry I forgot to t-tell you," Shoyo stammered.  
  
"Volleyball again?! Are you kidding, Shoyo?" Yusuke exclaimed angrily, slapping him again.  
  
"I'm sorry! But volleyball is something I really love!" Shoyo declared.  
  
Yusuke looked at him, hurt, "Do you love volleyball more than me?"  
  
"What? No! Of course not, Yusuke, I love you!!" Shoyo insisted.  
  
"It really doesn't feel like it these days. You blew me off this morning without as much as a text to go play volleyball. How would it make you feel if I ditched you?"  
  
"I- I would feel really bad," Shoyo admitted, "I'm so sorry, Yusuke! I never meant to hurt you…"  
  
"I know you didn't, baby. But it still hurt, okay? So don't do that again," Yusuke told.  
  
"I won't," Shoyo promised, "I'm sorry."  
  
"Good," Yusuke said, satisfied, before pulling Shoyo in for a kiss.  
  
-  
  
Shoyo was late getting back to class after lunch, having to walk Yusuke back to class before running to his own. He burst into the class about 10 minutes after the bell, and quickly took his seat.  
  
"Why the hell are you late?" Kageyama hissed.  
  
"None of your business," Shoyo snapped, and then winced, "Sorry. I just- it doesn't matter, okay?"  
  
Kageyama gave him a weird look, but dropped it, and Shoyo focused his attention on the teacher.  
  
-  
  
That day's practice was a hard one; Daichi pushed them all to their limits, and Shoyo was absolutely exhausted.  
  
"Kill me now," he whined, collapsing on the floor of the club room.  
  
"Oi, out of the way," Tanaka grumbled, stepping over him, "We're all exhausted."  
  
Shoyo huffed, but forced himself to stand up. He groaned; he still had to walk home!  
  
"You all did well today," Daichi announced suddenly, "I'm buying meat buns from Sakanoshita for everyone. Except Tanaka, he eats too much."  
  
"Wahh?!" Tanaka exclaimed, "But Daichi-san!"  
  
"He's just kidding," reassured Suga, "Right, Daichi?"  
  
Daichi sighed, "Well, there goes my money."  
  
Reinvigorated by the thought of meat buns – _meat buns!_ – Shoyo quickly pulled his shirt over his head, trying to change as fast as possible.  
  
"Oi, dumbass, did someone punch you in the neck?!" Kageyama asked.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Shoyo snapped back.  
  
Tanaka started laughing, and Suga smacked him.  
  
"No one punched him, that's a hickey," Tsukishima told bluntly.  
  
Shoyo immediately went red; when they were in the closet earlier, Yusuke must have-!  
  
"Is that why you were late for class?" Kageyama demanded.  
  
"I-I… shut up!" Shoyo yelled, flustered. He quickly put his uniform shirt back on, hiding the offending patch of skin.  
  
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Hinata," Suga told, "We all get urges, and-"  
  
"Please stop talking," Shoyo begged, hiding his face behind his hands.  
  
"Come on, leave him alone," Daichi said, laughing, "Let's get going, before Sakanoshita closes."  
  
They all finished changing, and following Daichi, they all piled out of the club room. The school was deserted; there was no one around this late. Except- there was someone, sitting under a tree with a book. Shoyo squinted; it was Yusuke!  
  
"Uhh… I gotta go! See you later!" Shoyo told hastily before running towards him.  
  
Yusuke looked up from his book, "Shoyo! Finally. That practice was really long!"  
  
"You didn't have to wait for me, Yusuke!" Shoyo said happily.  
  
"I know I didn't have to," Yusuke responded, tucking his book into his bag and standing up, "I wanted to."  
  
"But- don't you have cram school?"  
  
Yusuke laughed, "Not every day, Sho. Let's get going, okay?"  
  
"Okay!" Shoyo agreed enthusiastically, and the pair started walking.  
  
"You must be exhausted, after that long practice. You should stay at my place tonight, since it's a shorter walk," Yusuke suggested.  
  
"Sure, sounds good!" Shoyo smiled, and he and Yusuke shared a quick kiss.  
  
Shoyo loved moments like this. Where it was obvious that no matter what else happened, Yusuke loved him, and he loved Yusuke. Nothing else mattered.  
  
He was loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you thought! your comments fuel my writing fire


	4. 3- Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry dudes
> 
> warnings for implied sexual content and depression + a major depressive episode

The next day was April 3rd, Yusuke's birthday. Shoyo knew when he woke up next to his boyfriend that it would be a long day.  
  
And a long day it was. Yusuke convinced Shoyo to ditch school, and they spent the whole day in bed. Doing… things. Shoyo felt so dirty, so used. But with Yusuke murmuring sweet nothings, whispering that he loved Shoyo, he couldn't bring himself to even try to fight it. Yusuke loved him. Protected him. Was with him, supported him when no one else would.  
  
He finally left Yusuke's place just before dinnertime. His feet dragged on his way home, and he had a heaviness in his stomach that seemed to be weighing him down. He felt sick. Why… did Yusuke always make him feel like this? Shoyo knew this wasn't how a relationship was supposed to feel. His heart was supposed to go 'kyaah' every time he saw his boyfriend, but that didn't happen. Yusuke had never made him feel 'kyaah.'  
  
He loved Yusuke.  
But he didn't.  
  
Shoyo's head was so messed up. He didn't know what to think. Did he love Yusuke? He was pretty sure of it.  
  
Shoyo shook his head vigorously; he was a jerk for even thinking like that. He loved Yusuke, and Yusuke loved him. They had been together for almost two years. Yeah, of course he loved Yusuke.  
  
_(Deep down, he knew it was a lie.)_  
  
The house was empty when Shoyo finally got home. He was glad; he wouldn’t have any prying questions from his mom about where he was. She didn't like him staying over at Yusuke's place, for whatever reason.  
  
Shoyo went straight up to his room and collapsed on his bed. He was just so tired. He knew he had homework starting to pile up already, but all he wanted to do was lie there, staring at the ceiling.  
  
He had no idea how much time passed like that. Every time he had the thought of moving, of getting up and doing something, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even playing volleyball wasn't appealing to him. It was like every drop of energy had been sucked from his body, leaving an empty husk behind.  
  
That's what Shoyo felt like. An empty husk, a shadow of his usual self. He couldn't even force himself to get up and eat something. He hadn't eaten all day, but the emptiness of his stomach felt like nothing compared to the emptiness of his heart.  
  
Eventually, he felt himself drifting off to sleep. He had wasted an entire night just staring at the ceiling.  
  
As his consciousness faded, he registered one last thought; _please, don't let me dream of him._  
  
\---  
  
"Shoyo! Shoyo, wake up already, you're late!"  
  
Shoyo blinked open his eyes to see his mom standing over his bed.  
  
"What… time is it?" Shoyo croaked, throat dry.  
  
"It's nearly nine! Hurry up and get ready to go, I'll give you a ride on my way to work."  
  
Shoyo had to let the statement sink in for a few seconds as she left the room, then he yelped and jumped out of bed. School started at nine!  
  
He haphazardly dressed in his uniform and flew into the kitchen. His mom was waiting for him, already ready to go. Shoyo shoved shoes onto his feet and followed her out the door.  
  
The drive to his school was tense; his mom was completely silent and obviously had something on her mind. Shoyo was worried; usually she was very forthcoming when she had something to say. It was harder to get her to stop talking, yet here she was, wordless.  
  
"Everything okay, mom?" he asked nervously.  
  
"Of course. What could be wrong, Shoyo," she deadpanned, looking at him.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
She sighed, "You know I don't like it when you stay over at Yusuke-kun's house. I worry about you, Shoyo, especially when you don't talk to me first."  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry I didn't call you or something. I was really tired after practice," Shoyo told honestly. He hated worrying her.  
  
"Just- promise me you'll stay safe, okay, Shoyo? Just be safe, that's all I ask," she requested, a hint of sadness in her voice.  
  
"I will, I promise," Shoyo responded, slightly confused. Why was she so worried? She knew Yusuke, it wasn't like he was sleeping at some random stranger's house. It was just his boyfriend. Shoyo didn't see anything wrong with that, or anything to worry about.  
  
They pulled up in front of the school, and Shoyo practically jumped out of the car and ran into the school to make it to class on time. He barely made it.  
  
"Oi, where the hell have you been?" Kageyama hissed at him.  
  
"I was sick," Shoyo whispered back, feeling guilty for lying to his teammate. But he couldn't exactly tell him that he skipped school to fool around with his boyfriend, so lying was his only option.  
  
"Well, you've missed a lot," Kageyama told, "We got split up for the 3v3. It's gonna be you, me, and Tanaka-senpai against Yamaguchi, Stupidshima, and Sawamura-san."  
  
Shoyo yelped, "What?! We're playing the captain?! That's unfair!"  
  
"Shut up!" Kageyama hissed, glancing at the teacher, who was fortunately oblivious to their conversation, "Besides, it doesn't matter who we're playing against. Whatever team I'm on will win."  
  
"Wow, you're really arrogant, aren't you?" Shoyo observed teasingly.  
  
Kageyama cocked his head, "I'm not being arrogant. It's just the truth. I will always stand on the winning side of the court."  
  
Shoyo was blown away by the setter's confidence. It wasn't possible to always win. Literally no one is that good.  
  
"Let's practice at lunch. We haven't played together much yet, so we haven't had a chance to sync up," Kageyama suggested.  
  
Shoyo hesitated; his stomach was screaming, after not eating in more than a day. He wanted to practice, but he was so hungry…  
  
"Uhh… how 'bout we eat first, then practice?" Shoyo said.  
  
"Alright. Once we've eaten, we'll head to the gym. I hope you can eat fast," Kageyama told.  
  
\---  
  
Yusuke was going away for the weekend; he was visiting family in Hokkaido. Shoyo knew this, which is why he didn't see it necessary to tell him about the 3v3. He would only get upset that Shoyo was spending so much time on volleyball, after all. So, after practice had finished for the day, Shoyo went straight home for the first time in awhile. Yusuke wasn't around to slow him down, and he could get home nice and early, get a good night's sleep before the match.  
  
Or, that was the plan.  
  
But the second Shoyo's head hit his pillow, he knew sleep wouldn't come easy that night. He couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about everything, and nothing. Thinking about how he knew that he wasn't okay anymore.  
  
No one could ever know that he wasn't okay, especially Yusuke. It was just his weakness, after all. Yusuke knew he was weak, and was just trying to help him. But it didn't help. It just made him feel worse and worse. Some days, he didn't feel anything at all anymore.  
  
Hinata… meant 'place in the sun.' So why did it feel like he was weighed down by darkness?  
  
It was the worst at night, when he would normally be sleeping. There were no distractions. It was just him, alone in the darkness, and he was starting to lose.  
  
Perhaps he should give up.  
  
Shoyo shook his head. This kind of thinking would get him nowhere. Besides, the 3v3 was tomorrow, and he needed to be well-rested. He shut his eyes with conviction and willed sleep to come.  
It didn't for a long time.  
  
\---  
  
His phone was ringing.  
  
Shoyo blearily squinted at the glowing numbers of his clock; it was eight in the morning, and his phone was ringing.  
  
After fumbling with it for a moment, he managed to hit the right button to answer it.  
  
"Hello?" he mumbled sleepily.  
  
"Sho! How's it going?"  
  
Shoyo shot up, "Yusuke?"  
  
"Yeah, it's me! What, were you still asleep? This late in the day?" Yusuke asked teasingly.  
  
"Yeah.." Shoyo admitted sheepishly, "How are you, Yusuke? How's Hokkaido?"  
  
"Ugh, it's so _boring_ up here, Shoyo! It's all 'oh, Yusuke-chan, how you've grown!' I can't wait until this is over, and I can go home," Yusuke complained.  
  
Shoyo swallowed, "I can't wait until you're back, either."  
  
"Of course you can't. Shoyo, what are you without me?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm nothing without you, Yusuke."  
  
\---  
  
They talked for almost an hour before Yusuke was called away to rejoin his family, and by the end of it, that feeling was back. The emptiness. The crushing weight in his stomach that made him want to lie there all day, and maybe forever. He had no motivation to move.  
  
He hated this. He had no idea what this feeling was; what he did know was that he couldn't control it.  
  
The 3v3 started at noon, and he should have started getting ready by then, but he couldn't even bring himself to stand up.  
  
His phone started ringing again, and he flinched. It was Yusuke again, wasn't it?  
  
"Hello?" his voice trembled slightly when he answered.  
  
"Oi, dumbass, it's me."  
  
It wasn't Yusuke, it was Kageyama! When did he give Kageyama his number?  
  
"Oh, hey, Kageyama! Do you need something?" Shoyo asked.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure that you'll be on time today," Kageyama told gruffly, "You know, since you're always late."  
  
_Not always,_ his brain supplied helpfully, _Just when Yusuke's around._  
  
"Not always, Bakageyama!" Shoyo protested, "I bet I'll beat you there!"  
  
"Hahh?! As if!!" Kageyama shouted, "I'll be there first!!"  
  
"Better get going then!" Shoyo teased before hanging up. The feeling was gone, replaced with the burning desire to beat Kageyama. He set a new record for how fast he could get ready, and breezed out the door, hopping on his bike. He stopped briefly to grab a meat bun from the vendor on his street, and then didn't stop until he was at Karasuno.  
  
After locking up his bike, he ran for the gym. Which was still locked. He was the first one there; hah! He had beaten Kageyama!! And it was… not even 11. Well. It was about to be a very boring hour.  
  
\---  
  
Shoyo was practically vibrating with excitement. His energy levels were at a high. He had never played an actual, proper match, with other people, before! He completed his warm-up with vigor, without feeling tired at all. He felt like he could do anything! He could even fly!!  
  
_Don’t get ahead of yourself, Shoyo. You need to think about your future. Volleyball isn't going to get you that far. You should focus on your studies. What happens when I'm in university, up at Todai, and you can't get in? We'll be separated, and you don't want that, do you? After all, what would you do without me?_  
  
No. Yusuke would _not_ ruin this for him. He was up on cloud nine, and no one could bring him down. He was going to win today, show everyone that he could really play.  
  
"Alright, everyone, if you're warmed up enough, let's get the match started!" Daichi announced. Everyone who wasn't playing cleared off the court, and the two teams each stood on their sides of the court.  
  
"You guys can serve first, Daichi-san," Tanaka offered, grinning, "I ain't going easy on ya because you're the captain."  
  
Daichi grinned as well, "Good, because I won't be going easy either."  
  
Gwaah, the captain was scary!  
  
Ennoshita, who was reffing the game, blew the whistle, and Daichi served.  
  
From that first serve, Shoyo's mind was clear. He had no unnecessary thoughts. Serve, receive, toss, spike. Serve, receive, toss, spike. He made lots of mistakes, but he was doing okay. Well, mostly okay. There was just one problem.  
Tsukishima had locked onto him, and the tall megane asshole was blocking every spike he tried to make.  
  
"Hinata, this isn't working," Kageyama told quietly, glaring at the smirking blond, "He's gonna keep following you."  
  
"What can I do about that?!" Shoyo snapped, frustrated.  
  
"Just- you're not jumping as high as you can," Kageyama said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've seen you jump higher. Stop holding yourself back. My next toss is going to you; shake Tsukishima and jump as high as you can where there's no blocker. I believe in you," Kageyama told.  
  
_**I believe in you**_  
_**I believe in you**_  
_**I believe in you**_  
  
Shoyo sank down into ready position, ready to receive any ball that came at him. He was reinvigorated, and felt better than he had in a long time. Time seemed to slow down as Yamaguchi served the ball, and Tanaka dove to the side to save it. He started his run up, and saw Tsukishima already there. At the last moment, he jumped sideways.  
  
He could see the look of surprise on Tsukishima's face as the blocker reached to try and stop it; saw Daichi running to get there on time to receive it. But none of that mattered. All that mattered was the perfect toss Kageyama sent him, and the loud _smack_ that resounded through the gym as his spike hit the floor.  
  
For a moment, it was silent.  
  
No one could register what just happened.  
  
But Shoyo's and Kageyama's gazes met, and they knew exactly what it was.  
  
It was their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @everyone who commented: there's too many of you yelling at me to update to respond individually so imma just say thank you everyone and sorry it took so long lol
> 
> i tried a slightly different writing style for this chapter, please tell me what you thought! see you (probably) soon!!


	5. 4- Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was devastated. He had been having such a good day; him and Kageyama had worked well together, and they were going to practice for the match against the Grand King…  
>   
> All of the excitement about that was gone. All Shoyo felt was guilt, the guilt of lying to Yusuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying my hard drive crashed and wiped out the first version of this chapter and all of my notes and outlines ;-;
> 
> I don't like this nearly as much as the original version of this chapter, but I hope you enjoy.
> 
> warnings for violence, abuse, manipulation, a panic attack, and brief self-harm

Silence.  
  
For a few moments, no sound fills the room but the hard breathing of the occupants.  
  
Then it explodes.  
  
"What the hell was that?!" Tanaka exclaimed, "You two! How did you do that?"  
  
"Do what?" Kageyama asked, "I just tossed to him, and he spiked it."  
  
"Yeah, but how did you know he would be there? How did you know where to toss it?"  
  
"I didn't. The dumbass jumped, and I tossed it to him," Kageyama told.  
  
Shoyo stared at his palm. It stung slightly from the contact with the ball. That hit had felt so good, somehow so much better than his normal spikes.  
  
"Gwaah!! Kageyama, let's do that again!!" Shoyo yelled.  
  
"You'd better! With that, maybe we can beat Daichi-san!" Tanaka crowed.  
  
\---  
  
As the match went on, Shoyo tried to recreate what he'd done, he really did. He jumped as high as he could where there was no blocker, but every time, he missed the ball. He couldn't do it. He couldn't spike it like he had.  
  
The first set went to the captain's team.  
  
"Oi, dumbass, what's your problem?" Kageyama confronted him during their 5-minute break between sets, "Stop focusing so much on the ball! That's what's making you miss!!"  
  
"Are you telling me not to pay attention to the ball?! I'll miss if I do that! How will I know where to swing?!" Shoyo demanded heatedly.  
  
"You're missing anyway!! You don't need to watch the ball, I'll get it to you!!" Kageyama insisted, "Just trust me and jump!"  
  
_Everything will be fine, Shoyo. Trust me_  
  
"You say that as if it's so easy, Bakageyama," Shoyo grumbled.  
  
"Just try it, okay? Trust me. I'll get the ball to you," Kageyama said again before walking away, heading back to the court.  
  
_Trust me, baby. I'll make you feel good._  
  
Shoyo took a long drink of water, trying to clear his head. He could do this. He trusted Kageyama.  
  
_Shut up, dumbass. Are you really that stupid?_  
  
He didn't trust Kageyama.  
  
He didn't trust anyone.  
  
_**Just trust me and jump**_  
  
He drank one last swallow water, and jogged back to the court, where everyone was waiting for him. He breathed deeply. He could do this. He could do this. He could do this.  
  
"Ready?" Kageyama asked simply.  
  
_**I believe in you**_  
  
Shoyo nodded, completely focused. All unnecessary thoughts were stripped away in that moment; all that existed was the ball, the court, and the players. The serve went up, and Shoyo sent it up, barely. The second the ball went up, he started his approach run.  
  
_**You don’t need to watch the ball, I'll get it to you. Just trust me and jump.**_  
  
Breathing deep, Shoyo closed his eyes and jumped. He felt the ball impact his palm, and heard the telltale _smack_ of the ball against the ground.  
  
He had done it.  
  
\---  
  
With the addition of what Tanaka had dubbed the 'freak quick,' their team ended up winning the match. About halfway through the third set, their faculty advisor Takeda had come in. It was evident that the teacher knew almost nothing about volleyball, but even he was amazed by the freak quick.  
  
"Hinata, Kageyama, you're amazing! We beat Daichi-san!" Tanaka enthused loudly, "We've got a real chance at the Inter-High this year!"  
  
"Speaking of the Inter-High, I have some things to talk about,” Takeda said, "Can everyone gather around?"  
  
It took a few minutes and a Captain Face™ from Daichi, but everyone quieted down and gathered around Takeda.  
  
“As you all know, the first tournament in the year is the Inter-High, and the preliminary matches will start in May. That’s only one month away, so we need to be practicing as much as we can until then,” Takeda grinned, “I’ve managed to arrange a practice match for next week. You’ll be playing Aoba Johsai on Tuesday. I know it’s short notice, but I’m confident you can do it!”  
  
Gwaah, a practice match! Shoyo didn’t know anything about Aoba Johsai, but he was already excited to play them!! After all, it would be his first real match.  
  
“There is one condition of the match, however; Kageyama-kun must play as setter the whole match,” Takeda said.  
  
Both Kageyama and Suga stiffened.  
  
“Suga-san, you’re the official setter. I couldn’t steal your position like that. I want to earn the position of starting setter, not be forced into it,” Kageyama protested.  
  
Suga hesitated for a second, then smiled, “No, it’s fine, Kageyama. I should be relieved, that I won’t have to play against Oikawa Tooru. He was your senpai, wasn’t he?”  
  
Kageyama nodded, “We were at Kitagawa Daichi together. He taught me a lot.”  
  
Shoyo’s head spun. They would play the senpai of the King! That would make him-  
  
“The Grand King!” Shoyo exclaimed.  
  
“What did you say?” Kageyama demanded.  
  
“He’s the senpai of the King, which makes him the Grand King!”  
  
“Grand King or not, Oikawa Tooru is no more than an opponent that we will defeat,” Daichi proclaimed, “Now, let’s take 15 minutes, and start practice again.”  
  
Shoyo grabbed is water bottle and skipped out of the gym, intending to refill it. He held the bottle under the stream of water from the fountain.  
  
“Shoyo.”  
  
Shoyo nearly dropped his bottle at the sound of the voice. He was immediately filled with terror and dread, as he turned to face the owner of the voice.  
  
“Yusuke, w-what are you doing here? I thought you wouldn’t be back from Hokkaido until Monday!” Shoyo asked nervously.  
  
“I missed you, so I came back early. It’s only 3 hours on the train, you know,” Yusuke told, “The question is, why did you lie to me? You didn’t say anything about a volleyball game today.”  
  
Yusuke’s tone was dangerous, and Shoyo was shaking slightly.  
  
“I-I’m sorry, I must have forgotten,” Shoyo muttered, looking down.  
  
“We’re leaving now. Let’s go get your things,” Yusuke ordered. Shoyo was about to protest, but one look from his boyfriend silenced him.  
  
Numbly, he let Yusuke lead him up to the club room, where he changed out of his practice clothes and grabbed his bag.  
  
He was devastated. He had been having such a good day; him and Kageyama had worked well together, and they were going to practice for the match against the Grand King…  
  
All of the excitement about that was gone. All Shoyo felt was guilt, the guilt of lying to Yusuke.  
  
He barely registered the walk to Yusuke’s house. He didn’t remember walking up the stairs, or Yusuke closing the door to his room. The first thing he felt was his head hitting the wall.  
  
Yusuke’s face was a mask of cold fury as he slammed Shoyo against the wall again.  
  
“Why did you lie?” he demanded.  
  
Shoyo couldn’t find a response. Yusuke slapped him, hard, and repeated himself.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Shoyo muttered, feeling tears start to build up in his throat.  
  
“I didn’t ask for an apology,” Yusuke hissed, grabbing Shoyo’s hair and forcing his head back, “I asked _why._ ”  
  
“I don-don’t know,” Shoyo managed.  
  
“I’ll tell you why. You knew you were doing something wrong, and you didn’t want me to find out,” Yusuke said, slapping him again, “You knew I’d be upset, so you waited until I was gone, and you did it anyways.”  
  
“Yusuke, that’s not it,” Shoyo insisted, openly crying now, “I would never do anything to hurt you-“  
  
“But you did. You hurt me, Shoyo. Do you know how I feel, every time you defy me? Do you know how that makes me feel?” Yusuke asked, gently stroking Shoyo’s cheek.  
  
“I’m sorry, Yusuke, I’m so sorry,” Shoyo cried.  
  
“Do you understand, Shoyo, why I have to punish you? You hurt me, so I have to hurt you."  
  
“Yes, Yusuke, it’s my fault, I understand,” Shoyo practically sobbed, “I’m sorry for hurting you. Please, it won’t happen again.”  
  
Yusuke let go of his hair and hit him one more time, with enough force to knock him sideways. He lost his balance and fell, hitting his head on the corner of Yusuke’s desk and crying out quietly. Yusuke hauled him up and tossed him onto the bed.  
  
“Just stay here, okay? I’ve got some stuff to do, I’ll be back later. Don’t screw anything up while I’m gone. Or is that too much to ask?”  
  
“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. I’ll see you later,” Shoyo said softly, as Yusuke left. Once he heard the front door slam, he curled up into the fetal position, shaking.  
  
He was alone now, he was safe.  
  
He was a terrible boyfriend, for feeling relieved when his boyfriend was gone.  
  
The house was silent, except for Shoyo’s muffled sobs. He was alone.  
  
He wanted Yusuke to come back. Yusuke loved him.  
  
It was too quiet.  
  
Shoyo’s head throbbed where it had hit the desk. It would probably bruise.  
  
He was drowning. He didn’t know what he was feeling.  
  
He was numb.  
  
His nails raked desperately across his forearm.  
  
“Make it stop,” he whimpered quietly.  
  
He was alone.  
  
Yusuke was the only one who cared about him. He needed Yusuke. He needed his boyfriend.  
  
His arm was starting to burn.  
  
He would never be more than a disappointment. He was worthless.  
  
He couldn’t breathe.  
  
Too quiet.  
  
Pain.  
  
“MAKE IT STOP!!!!”  
  
Shoyo shot up, nearly falling off the bed. He was breathing heavily, and tears tracked down his face. He didn’t know what just happened, but it was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.  
  
He glanced down at his forearm, and was surprised to see a small trickle of blood dripping down it. Apparently he had scratched his arm until he broke the skin.  
  
The terrifying part was that he knew he hadn’t been in control of his body, not really. He hadn’t decided to hurt himself, yet he had.  
  
“What’s happening to me?” Shoyo whispered.  
  
Once he felt like he was calm enough to stand, Shoyo stumbled to Yusuke’s bathroom.  
  
He looked like a mess. His hair was all over the place, his eyes were puffy, and his forehead was already starting to bruise. His cheek was red from Yusuke’s slaps, and that would probably bruise too.  
  
He hated himself, and he didn’t know why.  
  
Sighing, he gently washed his face, and stuck a bandaid on his arm. He was exhausted. All of the excitement-fueled energy he had at practice was gone.  
  
He sighed again, and went back to Yusuke’s bedroom. He dug through his bag, and found his phone. He had a few emails, mostly from Kageyama, and two from Suga.  
  
Curious, he opened the ones from Suga first.  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: S Koushi  
Subject: Are you okay?**  
We aren’t mad at you for leaving practice. I’m just wondering why. Are you feeling okay?  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: S Koushi  
Subject: Re: Are you okay?**  
You can talk to me about anything, Hinata-kun. I won’t tell anyone, not even Daichi.  
  
Swallowing nervously, Shoyo typed out a careful response.  
  
**To: S Koushi  
From: the small giant  
Subject: Re: Re: Are you okay?**  
I wasn’t feeling very well, so I just went home. Sorry to worry you, Suga-san!!!  
  
He couldn’t let anyone find out what was happening. They wouldn’t understand. They’d try to separate him from Yusuke. He knew that was what happened. But they wouldn’t understand that it was Shoyo’s fault. Yusuke loved him. He loved Yusuke. They’d call Yusuke a monster, but Shoyo was the real monster.  
  
Shoyo couldn’t handle being separated from Yusuke.  
  
He ignored the emails from Kageyama, since he didn’t think he could handle it right now. Instead, he left his phone on Yusuke’s nightstand, and curled up on Yusuke’s bed.  
  
He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep, but his eyes closed almost instantly.  
  
\---  
  
“Shoyo.”  
  
Shoyo awoke to his name being muttered quietly, and a warm presence beside him.  
  
Yusuke was back.  
  
“Hi,” he responded softly.  
  
His boyfriend smelled vaguely of smoke and alcohol, and was sleepily laying half on top of Shoyo.  
  
“You know I love you, right?” Yusuke mumbled into his shoulder, “I love you more than anything, Sho.”  
  
“I love you too,” Shoyo said.  
  
“I get so scared. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me. You’ll find someone prettier than me, or nicer than me, and you’ll be gone. Have you seen some of those boys you play volleyball with? All legs and arms and abs,” Yusuke confessed semi-coherently, sniffling, “I don’t think I could handle it without you. Sho, baby, you’re the only good thing in my life, and _God, I’ve fucked everything up, haven’t I?"_  
  
“No!” Shoyo denied. Yusuke was crying! “No, Yusuke, you haven’t fucked anything up! You’ve never done anything wrong! I promise, I’ll never leave you!! I love you so much, please don’t cry.”  
  
“I’m sorry I’m so shitty to you, Shoyo,” Yusuke sniffed.  
  
No, you’re not, you really aren’t! I love everything about you, Yusuke, and I’d never want you to change,” Shoyo declared, “Let’s just go to sleep, okay? You’ll feel better in the morning, I promise.”  
  
“Okay,” Yusuke whispered, nuzzling into Shoyo’s shoulder. It was okay. Everything was okay.  
  
Shoyo was okay.  
  
He let the warmth and comfort wash over him, and this time, the silence felt perfectly okay as he fell asleep next to the boy he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know when the next chapter will be. since i don't have my own computer right now, but i will try to get it out as soon as possible! i love you all!!!


	6. 5- Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **To: the small giant**  
>  From: volleyball  
> Subject: suga-san said we had to work on our dynamic  
> Lets get lunch tomorrow and practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okok so i know kinoshita is a wing spiker and *manga spoilers* is becoming a pinch server but you know what  
> i do what i want and he is now a setter shh
> 
> warnings for violence, abuse, and a panic attack  
> love u all~

Shoyo woke with a start. He was cold, and Yusuke was gone. He groggily fumbled for his phone. Yusuke had sent him an email, and he still had all those emails from Kageyama. He sighed, and opened Yusuke’s first.  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: KamaYu  
Subject: Good morning!**  
I forgot I had plans with my study group, so I had to go! See you tonight?  <3  
  
Shoyo smiled. There it was, that warm feeling when Yusuke was nice to him. It reminded him of why he still loved Yusuke.  
  
**To: KamaYu  
From: the small giant  
Subject: Have fun!!**  
yeah, i’ll see you!! i’ll come over after dinner!! love you yusuke  <3333  
  
That out of the way, Shoyo warily opened Kageyama’s emails.  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: ???**  
Where did you go  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: what the hell**  
Why did you just leave practice. We were doing good  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: suga-san saw you leaving with your boyfriend**  
Ill only toss to people who are necessary to winning. If you skip practice you arent necessary  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: im not mad**  
I wasnt finished practicing thats all. I thought we would work on that quick a lot  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: i just need to know**  
How important is volleyball to you. Because its everything to me and if you dont give it everything you have we cant be partners  
  
**To: the small giant  
From: volleyball  
Subject: suga-san said we had to work on our dynamic**  
Lets get lunch tomorrow and practice  
  
For some reason, that simple invitation made Shoyo really happy. Even if it was just to improve their game chemistry, Kageyama wanted to hang out with him! But… Yusuke wouldn’t like that. He had enough of a problem with Izumi and Kouji, back when they still hung out. Yusuke wouldn’t be happy if he found out Shoyo was hanging out with a guy from volleyball he didn’t know…  
  
But he wanted to hang out with Kageyama! He wasn’t doing it to hurt Yusuke, or to deliberately upset him. He was just having lunch with a friend. Or- a teammate. An acquaintance.  
  
Kageyama wasn’t his friend. Who would want to be his friend?  
  
Shoyo sighed. He didn’t know what the right thing was to do, but he knew what he wanted to do.  
  
**To: volleyball**  
From: the small giant  
Subject: yeahhhhhh!!  
yeah lets hang out!! wanna meet at sakanoshita at 1? :D  
  
\---  
  
“Hey, Kageyamaaa~” Shoyo called, waving at the taller boy.  
  
“Hinata. Let’s go, I’m hungry,” Kageyama said bluntly.  
  
“Alright!” Shoyo agreed, falling into step with Kageyama, “Where are we going?”  
  
“There’s a ramen place near here, I want tonkotsu.”  
  
They didn’t talk much during the walk to the ramen shop. Shoyo felt kind of awkward, out of place. Kageyama was a lot more serious than him, and somewhat detached. Shoyo felt it was his responsibility to get a conversation started, but he wasn’t sure of what to say.  
  
He never used to have a problem talking to people, or making friends. He was always the most talkative person in a room, and always had someone to hang out with.  
  
When was the last time he hung out with anyone but Yusuke?  
  
Shoyo felt sick. He knew the answer to that question.  
  
“Oi, stop spacing out.”  
  
“What?” Shoyo asked, looking at Kageyama.  
  
“You weren’t paying attention, were you? We’re here,” Kageyama told.  
  
Shoyo blinked. They were standing in front of the ramen shop.  
  
“Ahh, sorry, Kageyama! I totally spaced out right there!” Shoyo laughed.  
  
“I know. I just said that,” Kageyama responded.  
  
Shoyo laughed again, and they went inside. Kageyama ordered tonkotsu, while Shoyo opted for miso.  
  
Once again, it fell quiet as they both slurped at the noodles.  
  
“You know, this isn’t improving our dynamic or whatever,” Shoyo commented, “Just sitting here without talking isn’t going to make us better friends.”  
  
“Talk about something, then,” Kageyama snapped.  
  
“Someone’s grumpy,” Shoyo teased, “Don’t be so serious, Grumpyama-kun~”  
  
“Shut up, dumbass,” Kageyama grumbled, but Shoyo saw the hint of a smile cross his face for a split second. He grinned. Kageyama didn’t hate him, he was only awkward.  
  
Motivated by that, Shoyo was determined to become closer to Kageyama. This lunch would be the start of a new friendship.  
  
“So what do you like to do?” Shoyo asked.  
  
“Volleyball,” Kageyama said instantly.  
  
Shoyo laughed, “I know _that._ I meant other than volleyball.”  
  
Kageyama looked at him blankly, “What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean, like, video games or watching anime or something! What do you like to do when you aren’t playing volleyball?”  
  
“I still don’t understand,” Kageyama said, “I just play volleyball. Sometimes I watch videos of matches.”  
  
“You really only care about volleyball, don’t you?” Shoyo said teasingly, poking Kageyama’s face with one of his chopsticks.  
  
“Gross! Don’t touch me with something that’s been in your mouth, dumbass!” Kageyama shouted, scooting his chair back.  
  
Shoyo only laughed in response, waving his chopstick threateningly.  
  
“Oi, look who it is!”  
  
Shoyo turned to see Tanaka and two others approaching him and Kageyama.  
  
“Tanaka-senpai! Come sit with us!” Shoyo encouraged. With a bit of shuffling and an extra chair, they managed to fit all of them around the table.  
  
“Guys, this is Asahi-san, our ace, and Noya-san, our libero! This is the freak duo I was telling you about, Noya-san!” Tanaka introduced enthusiastically.  
  
“Freak duo?” Shoyo and Kageyama said in unison.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, cus you do that freaky quick. The shorty closes his eyes when he jumps!”  
  
“That’s so cool! Your name’s Hinata, right?” Noya asked.  
  
“Yeah, Hinata Shoyo!” Shoyo said, “Are you a first year too, Noya-san?”  
  
“Gehh!” Noya made a face like he had been stabbed, while Tanaka roared with laughter.  
  
“Naw, he’s in my class, he’s just short,” Tanaka wheezed.  
  
“I am not short! I just haven’t finished growing yet!” Noya growled defensively, “Asahi, beat them up!”  
  
“I- why- I- Noya!” Asahi stuttered, apparently terrified with the idea of fighting someone.  
  
Noya laughed, “That’s my glass-hearted ace, afraid of his own shadow!”  
  
“Why do I keep hanging out with you, Noya,” Asahi said wearily.  
  
“You know you love me~” Noya singsonged.  
  
“Hey, shut up for a second,” Tanaka said, pulling out his quietly buzzing phone, “Hello? Hey, Chika! Yeah, I’m with some of the others, just eating lunch… yeah, we’ll be up for that! Say, twenty minutes? Sounds good!”  
  
He hung up, and Noya immediately asked, “What does Chikara want?”  
  
“He’s at the school with Kinoshita and Narita, they wanna have a match,” Tanaka told, “Does anyone not wanna play volleyball?”  
  
No one was going to say no to volleyball, so they quickly payed the bill and headed over to the school, which wasn’t far.  
  
“Heyyy, Chika!!” Tanaka greeted as they entered the gym, “Ready to get your ass kicked?”  
  
Ennoshita smiled, “You wish. How do we want to divide the teams?”  
  
They ended up with teams of four, with Kageyama, Ennoshita, and Narita on Shoyo’s team, playing against Asahi, Noya, Tanaka, and Kinoshita, who was apparently the team’s current reserve setter. The teams seemed fairly even, and as they dove straight into playing, Shoyo became certain of this.  
  
Neither team was giving any ground. The skill difference was greatest in the setters. It was to be expected; Kageyama was the King of the Court, and Kinoshita was just a reserve setter. The other team’s spikers were working hard to compensate, but it wasn’t quite enough.  
  
At the end of a vicious battle that lasted more than an hour, Shoyo’s team was victorious.  
  
“Nooooo!!” Tanaka wailed, falling dramatically to the floor. Noya collapsed on top of him.  
  
“I can’t believe we’ve been defeated by our own kohai,” Noya fake-sobbed.  
  
“I’ve been nothing but a good senpai. I feel betrayed,” Tanaka responded, also faking sobs.  
  
“Stop embarrassing yourselves. Honestly, why are you both so dramatic?” Ennoshita sighed, “Come on, let’s get going. We need to get some studying done tonight. Asahi-san, will you be joining us?”  
  
“No, I’ll pass tonight. Actually, I should start heading out. Good work today!” Asahi said.  
  
“We’ll walk with you for a bit, we’re going the same way,” Noya told happily, “Later Shoyo, Kageyama!”  
  
The others left the gym, and only Shoyo and Kageyama remained.  
  
“What do you wanna do now?” Shoyo asked, “You should come to my place for dinner!”  
  
“No, I’m going home,” Kageyama said bluntly, “Ennoshita-san left the keys, so lock up when you leave.”  
  
Kageyama started walking away, but changed his mind and turned around.  
  
“Listen, dumbass. Hinata. Today wasn’t so bad. Uhh, if you wanted to do it again sometime, I wouldn’t hate it,” Kageyama said awkwardly. Shoyo had to take a second to process what he said, then grinned.  
  
“I had fun too, Bakageyama! Let’s definitely hang out again!” he agreed. Apparently satisfied with that, Kageyama turned back around and left the gym.  
  
Shoyo leaned against the wall of the gym, smiling. Kageyama made his stomach all pyaah, and he felt warm. He enjoyed spending time with the younger boy, almost as much as he enjoyed spending time with Yusuke (when he was in a good mood.)  
  
Maybe even more.  
  
Shoyo’s heart went cold. What he was feeling… from what he knew, it was almost like he liked Kageyama.  
  
_I get so scared. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me. You’ll find someone prettier than me, or nicer than me, and you’ll be gone_  
  
He felt sick. He was a terrible boyfriend. How could he have feelings for someone else?! He was with Yusuke, and Yusuke loved him!  
  
Any and all feelings for Kageyama, beyond the strictly platonic, would be shoved aside.  
  
Shoyo spent a few more hours in the gym, practicing his serves until his palms burned. But all that time alone, all he could think about was Yusuke. And how he was betraying Yusuke.  
  
_I love you more than anything, Sho_  
  
The ball slammed into the wall.  
  
_You hurt me, Shoyo_  
  
The ball slammed into the wall.  
  
_It’s just a stupid sports club. It’s not like you’re doing anything actually worthwhile_  
  
He couldn’t breathe.  
  
_You will do what I say, when I say it_  
  
When did he start crying?  
  
_Stop wasting your time. It’s not like you’re even good at volleyball_  
  
He wasn’t, was he? What was the point?  
  
He shanked the ball, and that was the last straw. He collapsed on the gym floor, tears flowing freely.  
  
“Useless,” he muttered, hiccuping softly, “I’m just useless.”  
  
\---  
  
When Shoyo managed to calm down enough to stop crying, he quickly cleaned up the gym and locked up, leaving the keys in the club room.  
  
He started walking towards Yusuke’s apartment, and pulled his phone out to let Yusuke know he was on his way.  
  
“Hey, Yusuke!” Shoyo greeted cheerfully.  
  
“Shoyo. Where are you right now?” Yusuke’s tone was odd, and Shoyo was slightly worried.  
  
“On my way to your place. Why?” Shoyo asked.  
  
“Just hurry up,” Yusuke snapped, and hung up. Shoyo stared at his phone, worried. Did he do something wrong? He couldn’t think of anything…  
  
Hurriedly, he put away his phone and quickened his pace. It wasn’t far to Yusuke’s, and it only took him ten minutes to get there.  
  
“Yusuke?” Shoyo called as he entered.  
  
“In the kitchen,” Yusuke responded. Shoyo traded his shoes for slippers before heading into the kitchen.  
  
Yusuke was sitting at the table, with a partially full bowl of curry rice in front of him. The sight of food made his stomach growl; he hadn’t eaten since lunch, and had worked pretty hard, practicing with the others.  
  
“What’s up?” Shoyo asked perkily, trying to hide his anxiety as he sat down next to Yusuke, reaching for a pair of chopsticks with the intention of stealing some of Yusuke’s curry.  
  
“You sure you want to eat that? It’s not very healthy,” Yusuke told warningly.  
  
Shoyo paused, “What do you mean?”  
  
“Oh, nothing. You’ve just seemed a bit… out of shape lately. Maybe you should eat a little less.”  
  
Shoyo suddenly felt self-conscious. Sure, he couldn’t run as fast lately, but to hear Yusuke point it out like that…  
  
He forced a smile, setting the chopsticks down, “I’m not that hungry, actually.”  
  
“Good,” Yusuke said, intertwining their fingers, “Now, I have a question, and you need to answer honestly. Are you cheating on me?”  
  
“What?” Shoyo exclaimed, shocked. He tried to pull away, but Yusuke was faster. He moved his hand to Shoyo’s wrist and pulled it forward, gripping tight enough to make Shoyo tear up slightly.  
  
“You heard me. I saw you, you know. In that restaurant earlier? You were flirting with him. So I’ll repeat myself. Are you cheating on me?”  
  
Of course Yusuke found out. How had he ever thought that he could secretly hang out with Kageyama, without Yusuke finding out?  
  
“No! Yusuke, I’d never!!” Shoyo protested, “Earlier, we were just hanging out, we’re only friends! He’s my partner on the volleyball team!”  
  
Yusuke grabbed Shoyo’s hair and slammed his head against the table before throwing him sideways out of his seat. Shoyo landed hard, hitting the same part of his head that had hit the desk yesterday. He couldn’t repress a cry of pain.  
  
“You do not get to do things like that without my permission. You know that, Shoyo. Why did you do it?” Yusuke demanded, kneeling on Shoyo’s chest and grabbing his jaw.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Shoyo apologized desperately, “Please, I’m so sorry!”  
  
“You should have thought of that before disobeying me, baby,” Yusuke said coldly, hitting him hard.  
  
“Please,” Shoyo begged, crying now.  
  
“Tell me you won’t do it again,” Yusuke ordered.  
  
“I won’t do it again, Yusuke, I’m so sorry, I promise I won’t!” Shoyo cried, and winced as Yusuke slammed his head against the floor.  
  
“I know you won’t. You’re a fucking dumbass, but you’re not that stupid,” Yusuke told. He stood up, “Come on. Let’s go to bed, babe.”  
  
Shoyo struggled to his feet and numbly followed Yusuke to the bedroom. His head was pounding, and he was slightly dizzy as he climbed into bed and let Yusuke cuddle up to him.  
  
He couldn’t do anything right, could he? Yusuke deserved someone better than him.  
  
The bed was warm, but inside, all Shoyo felt was a numbing cold spreading through his whole body.  
  
Was love supposed to feel like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buy my silence  
> permanently  
> 8 comments a month  
> for 8 comments a month i will stop
> 
> EDIT: IM SORRY THIS WAS A MEME IM NOT ACTUALLY GONNA STOP OMG IM SO SORRY


	7. 6- Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All through practice, he felt disconnected. He watched his body move, but it was like it wasn’t him controlling it. He opened his eyes after a spike, and stared at a hand that wasn’t his

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooo boy the reason this took so long is because this chapter and the next were meant to be one chapter, but it wasn't flowing right and i ended up adding like a thousand words right in the middle lol
> 
> warnings for this chapter: panic attacks, (almost)self-harm, dissociation, flashbacks, eating disorder

Shoyo woke up long before Yusuke, and was as quiet as possible as he got ready for practice. He had morning practice that day, and it was the day before their first practice match, so he wanted to play as much as possible before then.

Everything was fine, until he caught a glimpse of his face in the bathroom mirror. His forehead was bruised where it had hit the ground, and the desk before that, and there was a faint bruise in the shape of a hand where Yusuke had hit him. He had dark circles around his eyes, even though he had gotten plenty of sleep. The back of his head ached slightly as well from being slammed repeatedly into the floor.

Shoyo was a mess.

And his face wasn’t the only place he had bruises, either. His hips were still dark from a grip that was far too tight, and he could still feel Yusuke’s hands holding him down, forcing him to-

Shoyo didn’t like to think about it.

After a quick shower, Shoyo quickly went into the bedroom to grab clothes, being as fast as possible to avoid waking Yusuke. He didn’t care whose clothes he grabbed; it wasn’t worth potentially waking Yusuke.

Shoyo dressed, and headed into the kitchen to grab something to eat quickly. He was starving.

_You’ve just seemed a bit… out of shape lately. Maybe you should eat less._

He wasn’t hungry.

He left Yusuke’s house with a whispered “I love you” that echoed in the silence. 

All he could think about while walking to school was how much he had enjoyed hanging out with Kageyama, and how much it had upset Yusuke. His hand involuntarily brushed against the bruise on his cheek.

If he didn’t deserve to be punished, Yusuke wouldn’t touch him. That’s the way it had always been with them. 

It was normal, right? He was normal.

Inside, he knew it wasn’t. 

All through practice, he felt disconnected. He watched his body move, but it was like it wasn’t him controlling it. He opened his eyes after a spike, and stared at a hand that wasn’t his.

Everything felt muted; the sound of excited voices, the colours of the volleyballs, even the stinging of his palms. 

He was like an observer of his own life, stuck in a cage as someone else took control. He could feel his body moving, but he wasn’t telling it to move.

He couldn’t breathe properly. 

He didn’t regain control of his body until long after practice had finished; it was almost lunchtime when Shoyo registered that his hands were his again.

That had terrified him. He had no idea what just happened, but he wasn’t in control. For a second, he considered telling Yusuke, but the thought of his boyfriend’s reaction made Shoyo wince. No, he couldn’t tell Yusuke.

“Oi, Hinata.”

Shoyo flinched when his name was called unexpectedly. Pretending like he didn’t, he turned to Kageyama.

“What, Kageyama?” he snapped, then winced, “Sorry, didn’t mean for it to come out like that!”

“It’s fine. What happened to your face?” the setter demanded.

“Oh, I just tripped while walking home last night! Dumb of me, huh?” Shoyo laughed it off, ignoring the heaviness in his stomach that came with calling Yusuke’s place home.

“Just be more careful. The Inter-High is coming up soon, we can’t afford to have you injured, or performing at less than 100%.”

“Wow, you do care!” Shoyo teased.

Kageyama smiled slightly, “Dumbass.” He affectionately punched Shoyo’s shoulder  
_His shoulder hit the ground_  
and Shoyo couldn’t find the words to protest,  
_Pinned down, unable to move, unable to escape_  
even as he started shaking,  
_A harsh, unforgiving, punishing blow_  
and a tear ran down his cheek.  
_H e D e s e r v e d I t._

“I have to go,” Shoyo choked out before running from the room. He didn’t relax until he was locked in a bathroom stall, safe from prying eyes.

He let himself cry.

-

He didn’t go back to class that day. He didn’t remember making the decision to stay locked in the bathroom. All he could think about, all he could ever think about, was how pathetic he was. He was so fucking _weak_. 

Shoyo’s eyes fell on the bandaid haphazardly clinging to his arm, covering the place he had scratched his arm until it bled. He tore the bandaid off, enjoying the warm stinging sensation it brought.

He wanted to hurt himself. He wanted Yusuke to find him and hurt him. he wanted pain he wanted pain he wanted to fucking _hurt_

He desperately dug through his pockets, looking for something, _anything_ , that he could use. He found a lighter, one of Yusuke’s, that he had forgotten about. Fire hurts. Shoyo positioned the lighter right against the bare flesh of his arm, and

_**I believe in you** _

He dropped the lighter. No. He couldn’t do it, not now. Even if he was so pathetic, there were people who believed in him. 

Kageyama believed in him.

Shoyo felt sick. What had he almost done? What did Kageyama think of him, crying and running out of class, not coming back? Missing practice again?

He checked his phone; he hadn’t missed practice yet. He still had time to get there. After quickly emailing Yusuke that he’d be staying late, Shoyo practically ran out of the school building to get to the club room, and then the gym. He made it just as the team started running laps.

“Sorry I’m late, Captain!” Shoyo called as he joined them, falling into step with Kageyama.

“Where the hell were you?” Kageyama hissed under his breath.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m back, and that’s what counts,” Shoyo responded.

“You can’t keep disappearing, dumbass Hinata,” Kageyama told, “You’re worrying m- people.”

_You can’t do anything right, can you?_

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo muttered.

Kageyama sighed, “Don’t apologize, dumbass. Just- there’s people you can talk to, okay? If something’s not good, I’m here for you, and I know our senpai are too.”

Shoyo smiled, wide and genuine, “Thank you.”

-

Practice was exceptionally good that day. Shoyo didn’t miss a single spike, and his receives were only bad, not terrible.

After practice, the team got meat buns from Sakanoshita, and Shoyo found himself smiling and laughing freely. He was having such a genuinely _good_ day, he never wanted it to end.

“Alright, we won’t be having morning practice tomorrow, to let you all rest up before the match. I want you all to go straight home and get a good night’s sleep,” Daichi told, “Hinata, before you leave, Suga wanted to talk to you.”

Everyone started to head home after that. Shoyo checked his phone; Yusuke wanted him to come over again. Shoyo shoved back the lump of anxiety in his throat and went over to where Suga was standing.

“What did you want to say, Suga-san?” Shoyo asked.

“Hinata-kun, I need to ask you about your face. Kageyama said that you tripped, but that bruise… it looks like someone hit you,” Suga said worriedly, “Please, if something’s wrong, let me help you.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Suga-san, I just- did something I shouldn’t have,” Shoyo laughed weakly, “It’s really not a big deal.”

“If someone hit you, it is a big deal,” Suga told firmly, “Who was it? Was it your boyfriend? Hinata, please tell me.”

“It was my fault, okay? If I would have listened to him, it wouldn’t have happened,” Shoyo insisted, “I have to go.”

Ignoring both Suga’s protests and the tightness in his chest, Shoyo quickly walked away. 

As soon as he was far enough away from Sakanoshita and the team, his knees hit the cold pavement as he started hyperventilating. Suga couldn’t know. No one could know. No one could ever find out about what happened when him and Yusuke were alone.

If things were bad now, Shoyo could only imagine how hellish they would be if Yusuke thought Shoyo was complaining about him. And Yusuke would be right to be angry. Yusuke gave him so much, and how did Shoyo repay him? 

By constantly disobeying and complaining, by disrespecting Yusuke’s generosity. 

He was so _pathetic._

It was dark, so dark, and Shoyo hadn’t felt this _scared_ in such a long time.

With fumbling, shaking fingers, Shoyo managed to dig his phone out and dial a number.

“Yusuke,” Shoyo gasped, “I need… please… help.”

-

Not ten minutes later, Shoyo heard footsteps around the corner, and he turned to see Yusuke running towards him.

“Oh god, Shoyo, what happened?” Yusuke exclaimed, kneeling down next to him and pulling him close.

“Can’t breathe…” Shoyo choked out, “Yusuke, I can’t breathe!”

“It’s okay, Sho,” Yusuke soothed, “You’re safe, okay? I’m here. You’re having a panic attack. Just slow down, okay? Stop thinking, and focus on your breathing.”

Shoyo closed his eyes, listening to Yusuke’s soft voice in his ear. His boyfriend’s arms were warm around him, and he made his best effort to regulate his breathing.

“You’re okay. It’s okay, baby,” Yusuke murmured, and Shoyo believed him.

“I,” Shoyo started, swallowing hard, “I think I’m okay now.”

“Can you stand? Here, I’ve got you,” Yusuke said softly, standing up before helping Shoyo up.

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo whispered.

“I know, baby, I know. Let’s just get home, okay?”

-

Shoyo fidgeted nervously as he sat on the edge of Yusuke’s bed, waiting. He knew that if he said the wrong thing, he would be punished, and it would be even worse than the previous night.

He had to lie. If Yusuke found out that Suga knew, Shoyo would have to quit volleyball, and he would do anything to prevent that.

He couldn’t focus.

Shoyo picked absentmindedly at the scratch on his arm. 

Finally, Yusuke came into the bedroom, smelling so strongly of smoke that Shoyo could practically taste it. He couldn’t stand the stench of cigarette smoke, but Yusuke never listened when he said it bothered him.

“What happened tonight, Shoyo?” he asked quietly.

“I- I don’t really know,” he said, choosing his words carefully, “You said it was a panic attack?”

“Yes, you had a panic attack, but why, Shoyo?” Yusuke demanded, “What’s wrong, baby?”

“I think I must just be anxious. We have our first practice match tomorrow, against one of the best schools in the prefecture,” Shoyo confessed. It wasn’t really a lie; he was anxious about the match.

“I should have known. Sho, you need to stop getting so worked up! It’s just a stupid game,” Yusuke snapped.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Shoyo said meekly, “I just want to do well.”

“Maybe I’ll come watch you play, then. You’ll want to do well to impress me, right? How about that?” Yusuke suggested.

“I’d love that!” Shoyo exclaimed, faking excitement while choking down despair. Volleyball was supposed to be _safe,_ the one place Yusuke was not.

“It’s settled, then,” Yusuke declared, kissing Shoyo briefly before pushing him down onto the bed. He switched off the lights, engulfing the room in darkness, before straddling Shoyo, pinning him down. 

Shoyo turned his head to the side and tried to ignore the things Yusuke was doing to him. His boyfriend was handling him so impersonally, treating him like an object, a possession.

That’s all Shoyo really was, after all. Yusuke’s possession.

Worthless.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading <3


	8. 7- Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don’t get to say ‘no,’ baby. You do what I want, when I want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooo boy this fic is getting away from me ahaha the seijoh practice match was meant to happen last chapter and it still hasnt happened at the end of this one, this fic is gonna be so long. as of now, im guessing at, like, 40,000 words at completion?
> 
> warnings: non-graphic non-con, self-harm, panic attacks, manipulation

Waking up next to Yusuke never got any easier for Shoyo. It was still hard for him to wake up to the face of the boy he loved – supposedly loved. 

Shoyo hadn’t spent a night at home in awhile. He missed his mom and Natsu.

All he had was Yusuke. He woke up to Yusuke, and fell asleep next to Yusuke. The only escape he had was volleyball, and today, he wouldn’t even have that, since Yusuke would be watching him play.

He was dreading it.

As Shoyo got ready to leave, he did his best to be quiet, but Yusuke still woke up.

“What are you doing, Sho,” he sighed sleepily, “It’s too early.”

“Sorry,” Shoyo whispered, “I have early practice, to prepare for the match. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Shoyo gasped quietly and bit his lip nervously as cold hands snaked around his waist from behind, pressing against his bare chest.

“Well, now I’m awake,” Yusuke murmured against his ear, “Want to give me a little something to make up for it, baby?”

Shoyo swallowed hard, “Not right now, Yusuke. I’m already going to be late.”

Shoyo tried to move away, to get Yusuke’s hands off of him, but his boyfriend grabbed his wrist and yanked him back, spinning him around. With a leering smirk, Yusuke fisted a hand in the back of Shoyo’s hair, forcing him to his knees.

“Yusuke, I said no. I’m going to be late. Later, okay?” Shoyo pleaded, struggling weakly. 

“You don’t get to say ‘no,’ baby. You do what I want, when I want,” Yusuke cooed, dropping Shoyo’s arm in favour of grabbing his jaw, digging his fingertips in, “Do you understand?”

“No!” Shoyo shouted in a surge of bravery, shocked at his own nerve, “Yusuke, let go of me! I’m not doing this right now, I have to go to practice!”

With that, Shoyo began to fight back in earnest, trying to shove Yusuke away, or loosen his grip, or do anything, but Yusuke only laughed, grabbing Shoyo’s arms.

“Oh, aren’t you feeling bold today, Shoyo!” he laughed mockingly, hauling Shoyo roughly to his feet and _definitely_ leaving bruises from how hard he was gripping Shoyo’s forearms, “What’s going through that dumb little head of yours, hmm? What’s with you thinking you can disobey me? Did I hit you too hard the other night?”

“Fuck you,” Shoyo snarled, trying and failing to yank his arms away.

“Swearing at me? What has gotten into you, Sho-chan?” Yusuke snickered, tossing him down onto the bed, “Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ll remind you of what happens when you disobey me.”

Shoyo squeezed his eyes shut as Yusuke pinned him down, trying to distance himself from what was happening to him. How could he have been so stupid! He should never have tried to fight Yusuke, and now, it would be so much worse. Yusuke wouldn’t hold back, and Shoyo would be _lucky_ if he was able to play that day.

**_I believe in you_ **

Shoyo started softly crying. Who could possible believe in him? He sure didn’t, as he was pressed into the mattress, unable to control what happened next.

No one could believe in him.

-

All he could feel for the rest of the day was pain.

The physical pain wasn’t that bad; Shoyo was used to the throbbing of his wrists, the dull ache of his hips. No, it was the humiliation that was burning, reminding Shoyo every second that he had tried to fight back, and it didn’t matter at all. Yusuke was just able to overpower him so easily, it was like he wasn’t fighting at all.

The worst part was sitting in class, replaying what happened over and over again in his head until his fingernails were digging into his palms, leaving crescent indents in the calloused skin.

No, that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the deep longing he felt for _more._ He wanted pain, he wanted to hurt.

He wanted to balance a lighter against his flesh until it melted. He wanted to scratch at his forearm until it bled. He wanted the hot, burning pain of a self-inflicted wound. How pathetic.

He could feel Kageyama’s questioning gaze on him, and he suddenly felt so dirty, like Kageyama could see exactly what he had done that morning. It was stupid, how would Kageyama know, but that didn’t stop Shoyo from feeling self-conscious under the setter’s gaze. Would Kageyama judge him, for letting Yusuke use him like that? Would Kageyama be disgusted with Shoyo’s desire for pain?

_**I believe in you** _

Kageyama would be disappointed in him.

After that, Shoyo found it impossible to pay any attention to class. All he could think about was how weak he was, letting something so small affect him this much. All that happened, after all, was that his boyfriend had sex with him. That was normal, right? When you date someone, you have sex with them. Even though Shoyo didn’t always want it, he was willing to put up with it for Yusuke.

That’s when Shoyo understood. That morning had been the first time he said ‘no’ to Yusuke. 

And what good had it done?

Yusuke did what he wanted That was how it had always had been, so why had Shoyo expected anything different? He was Yusuke’s boyfriend, and he knew what he was getting himself into when he agreed to date the older boy.

(He knew that was a lie. He could never have been prepared for this.)

Shoyo’s phone vibrated in his pocket, and he slowly pulled it out, hiding it under his desk.

**From: KamaYu**  
To: the small giant  
Subject: Pay attention in class!! 

I’m eating lunch with my study group, so I won’t be seeing you before your match. Good luck, and try not to embarrass yourself too much in front of another school. 

**From: the small giant**  
To: KamaYu  
Subject: i am paying attention!!!! 

what do yu mean, embarass myself?/?

**From: KamaYu**  
To: the small giant  
Subject: You can’t fool me, Shoyo 

You know, because you aren’t very good at volleyball, and this other school probably is? You don’t want them thinking you’re talentless, even if it is the truth.

“That’s not true,” Kageyama said, and Shoyo jumped. He looked up at the setter.

“Were you reading over my shoulder? It’s rude to look at people’s messages, Bakageyama!” Shoyo declared indigitantly, “This is private. Uhh.. what did you mean, that’s not true, though?”

“He said that you aren’t good at volleyball, he called you talentless,” Kageyama told matter-of-factly, “It isn’t true.”

Shoyo laughed, “Oh, it’s okay, Kageyama. I know I’m not very good at volleyball. I’m not gonna get offended by the truth.”

Kageyama frowned, “You are though? You’re the only one who can hit my tosses. I’ve worked with some of the best spikers in the prefecture, and you’re the only one who can keep up with me. Give yourself more credit.”

Shoyo hesitated, going back and forth in his head. He knew he wasn’t very good at volleyball; he wasn’t unwaveringly dedicated like the others, he had gone more than a year without playing. Sure, he could hit a toss, but his spikes weren’t anything special, and he was terrible at pretty much everything else. Yet, Kageyama had a point; the two of them together, Shoyo hitting his Kageyama’s tosses, were good. 

Maybe even unstoppable.

Shoyo shook his head. No one was unstoppable.

_It’s just a stupid sports club. It’s not like you’re doing anything actually worthwhile._

“No, Kageyama, you’re wrong. I’m no good at volleyball,” Shoyo told with finality, “It doesn’t really matter, anyways. It’s just a club. See you later, okay?”

He grabbed his bag and stood up, but Kageyama grabbed his arm before he could walk away. The setter’s grip wasn’t tight, but Shoyo’s wrists were sensitive and bruised, causing him to cry out at the contact.

Kageyama immediately released him, brow furrowed in confusion. He opened his mouth, but Shoyo was gone before he could get a word in.

-

Shoyo found himself back in the same bathroom stall, shaking and crying again. He pushed up the sleeve of his gakuran to see bruises adorning his wrists, already dark despite only happening that morning. He softly ran his fingers over the marks, hissing softly at the pain caused by even that light touch.

“Pathetic,” he muttered.

Absolutely pathetic.

His nails found the exposed skin of his arm and dug in.

He considered emailing Yusuke. His boyfriend would be pissed at him for interrupting his study group. Yusuke would hurt him.

He wanted to hurt.

He couldn’t breathe. He gasped for breath, but his lungs were being crushed. His chest was tight, so tight, and he was panicking and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t fucking breathe-

He was panicking. This was bad, so bad, he couldn’t breathe and he felt like he was going to die and it couldn’t come soon enough, he wanted to die die diediedie _die just let it be over please_

Miles away, he heard a soft voice, and he distantly registered a gentle hand on his back. The soft voice kept going, murmuring quietly in his ear. 

Slowly, he felt himself start to relax. He didn’t know how long they were there for, but the voice didn’t stop, and the hand started rubbing comforting circles into his back. 

“The estimated age of maturity of the lucifer dogfish is 13 years, and the oldest one observed was 14 years. It has a surprisingly late age of maturity, and many of them will not live to their age of maturity. The average length at maturity is 41 centimetres. They feed primarily on mesopelagic fish, and their most common prey is the lampanyctodes hectoris.” 

He knew who it was, comforting him and calming him. 

“T-Tsuki-?” Shoyo managed to choke out. 

“Yes. You had a panic attack,” Tsukishima told, still in that soothing tone that Shoyo was surprised to hear from him, “Yamaguchi has a panic disorder. He has panic attacks a lot, so I know what helps him, what calms him down. Figured it might help you too.” 

“Why?” Shoyo asked, “Why would you waste your time on me? You don’t even like me!” 

“That’s not true, you know. You annoy me, but I don’t dislike you. You’d know if I didn’t like you.” Tsukishima sighed, shifting slightly, “And I helped you because no one should suffer through a panic attack alone.” 

\- 

Tsukishima was his saving grace that day. He didn’t question Shoyo, didn’t demand explanations. He was just there to support Shoyo. They exchanged numbers at Tsukki’s insistence, so that Shoyo had someone who could help him if he needed it. 

He had no doubts that he would need it. 

He really didn’t want to go back to class. Well, class wasn’t the problem. The problem was Kageyama, who had watched Shoyo walk out yet again, who had heard Shoyo’s casual self-deprecation. He could already feel the setter’s ice-cold gaze on him. 

“I don’t think I can do it,” Shoyo confessed. 

Tsukishima scoffed, “Of course you can do it. You can’t run away from this, Hinata. Do you want me to walk with you?” 

Shoyo could only nod. He forced himself to stand on shaky legs, and followed Tsukishima out of the bathroom. 

The hallway was way too loud, and Shoyo flinched at the noise. Immediately, Tsukki’s hand was on his shoulder, squeezing gently and reassuringly. Walking quickly, Tsukki escorted him to his classroom, and didn’t leave until Shoyo was sure he would be fine. 

Kageyama was still at his desk, aggressively drinking a carton of milk. Taking a deep breath and steeling himself, Shoyo casually sat down next to the setter. 

“What did the milk do to you?” Shoyo joked weakly. Kageyama started, choking on his milk, and Shovo waved feebly. 

“Where did you go?! I was worried, dumbass,” Kageyama half-shouted, glaring at him. 

“I’m sorry, Kageyama. I really didn’t mean to worry you,” Shoyo started, sighing quietly, “And I can’t tell you where I went, or what happened. I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready. All that matters is that I’m fine now, and more importantly, I’m fired up for the match!” 

Shoyo grinned widely. Right then and there, all that mattered was the setter grinning back at him, and the impossibly difficult match looming over their heads. 

In that moment he was in control. Not the voices in his head, and definitely not Yusuke. Him. He had control. 

\- 

It was too bad that it would never last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live for the friendship between hinata and tsukki


	9. 8- Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever, Sho. Just try not to embarrass me in front of my friends. I don't want everyone to know how _useless_ my boyfriend is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly, im sooooo sorry for the wait holy shit it should not have taken me that long to finish this 
> 
> secondly, thanks for sticking with me even though new chapters almost always take me forever. this fic is like, my first good fic to be honest and im so proud of it, and im so glad so many people have read it and enjoyed it <3
> 
> without further ado, chapter 9!
> 
> warnings: physical abuse, verbal abuse, manipulation, depression, eating disorders, underage smoking mention, (kinda)suicidal thoughts

Shoyo ~~skipped~~ walked calmly towards the gym, anxious to start his first real match. Sure, it was only a practice match, but it was still the first match he would play with an actual team!

"Shoyo."

He stopped immediately and turned back towards Yusuke, because of course it would be Yusuke calling him.

"Yusuke! I have to go warm up, do you need something?" Shoyo asked, choosing his words carefully.

"I just wanted to tell you that a few of my classmates are coming to the match. There's been some rumours about you and that Kageyama guy, the one I saw you with the other day," Yusuke told, eyes narrow with barely-concealed anger. He wouldn't do anything to Shoyo, would he? Not there, where anyone could see.

"He's the setter today," Shoyo explained cautiously, "We've been working on a special attack to defeat Seijoh."

Yusuke scoffed, "Whatever, Sho. Just try not to embarrass me in front of my friends. I don't want everyone to know how _useless_ my boyfriend is."

Shoyo's lungs clenched for the second time that day. It hurt to breathe. He managed to choke out a brief, "I'll see you later, Yusuke," before practically running for the gym.

Out of Yusuke's presence, the feeling eased, and he narrowly avoided going into a panic attack.

"Shoyo, you're here! That's everyone, Captain!" Noya declared, "Aww, I just wish me and Asahi could play!!"

"Noya, we all know that you two were suspended for good reasons," Daichi told sternly, "You'll be allowed to play again soon enough. You're lucky I'm even letting you watch from the sidelines."

"What did they do?" Shoyo asked Tanaka quietly.

"No one really knows? Chika told me they were fighting and broke some of the brooms, but Suga swears they skipped practice to make out," Tanaka gossiped in a low voice, "If you ask me, it was about when someone pulled the fire alarm so they could get to the last pork bun. That's classic Noya right there."

"Why not just ask Noya-san?"

Tanaka chuckled, "He loves the attention. He's definitely been encouraging the rumours. Now c’mon, let’s get warmed up. I wanna see how well your freaky quick does against one of the top schools in the prefecture!”

“Wait, Hinata, what’s with those bruises?” Suga asked worriedly, “On your wrists, those look painful.”

Shoyo pushed back the immediate panic he felt, “Oh! I didn’t even notice those! Last night, I was trying to get a box off a high shelf and it fell! I used my arms to deflect it, which must have bruised them,” he lied smoothly. He could tell from the look in Suga’s eyes that the setter didn’t believe him, but he didn’t press any further. Shoyo was relieved. 

He threw himself into the warm-up, clearing his mind and focusing on the ball. He wanted to be at his best to play the Grand King!

-

They lost the first set because of Shoyo’s nerves, but ended up winning the match. The Grand King wasn’t even there for most of the match, and only came in as a pinch server. Nevertheless, Shoyo was absolutely thrilled with their victory.

“Alright, calm down, guys!” Daichi tried to make himself heard by the celebrating team, “There’s a few things I want to go over-”

“If you think they’ll listen to you after that, you’re dreaming. Save it for practice tomorrow, Captain. You guys did well today, you deserve a rest,” Takeda advised, smiling.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shoyo saw Yusuke leaving the gym. After making his excuses and ‘good work today!’s, he left as well, jogging slightly to catch up.

“Yusuke! Did you enjoy the match?” Shoyo exclaimed, still giddy with excitement and pride, “We did well!”

“You did okay, I guess. Aside from the first set. I mean, what the hell was that, Shoyo?” Yusuke demanded, “All I asked was for you not to embarrass me, and what did you do?”

“I got in my teammates’ way and made us lose,” Shoyo mumbled ashamedly, his excitement deadened. How dare he celebrate when he was easily the worst player on the court? His team would have been better off without him.

“Your team would have been better off without you,” Yusuke sneered, “Now, come on. I don’t have all day to stand around.”

Yusuke walked away, and Shoyo had to hurry to catch up. His exhausted legs were protesting, but he shoved it aside and forced himself to match Yusuke’s pace. The taller boy grabbed Shoyo’s hand, and Shoyo smiled.

“Oi! Shoyo!”

Shoyo saw Yusuke stiffen, and his nails dug into Shoyo’s hand. Hiding a wince, Shoyo stopped walking and looked behind him as Noya ran up to them.

“Noya-san, what is it?” Shoyo asked.

“You forgot your bag!” Noya announced, holding said bag out to him.

“Oh!” Shoyo blinked, taking the bag, “Thanks, Noya-san. Will you be at practice tomorrow?”

“Dunno. Daichi said I can’t play till next week, but Suga’s been trying to persuade him,” Noya grinned, “Either way, I’ll see you tomorrow, Shoyo!” 

The shorter boy ran off again, and Yusuke started walking, sharply tugging Shoyo along with him.

“Yusuke, Yusuke, your nails,” Shoyo whimpered, feeling the skin break, “Please.”

Yusuke didn’t listen, and continued to quickly drag him along until they were out of view of the school.

“Who was that, and why the _fuck_ does he call you Shoyo?” Yusuke spat, furious.

“He-He’s one of my senpai on the team, I don’t know why he uses my given name, but I don’t mind!” Shoyo insisted, “He’s just my teammate, I swear!”

“Not anymore. You tell him to call you Hinata. No one but me calls you by your given name, understood?” 

“I- I understand, Yusuke, my hand-”

Yusuke ignored him, “I don’t want you getting so close to those boys on your team. I don’t trust them, and I don’t trust you not to stray. You belong to me, Shoyo. To _me._ Do I need to remind you of that?”

“No! No, Yusuke, I’m yours! I would never leave you, I love you!!” Shoyo insisted, tears starting to stream down his face.

Yusuke was cold as he dropped Shoyo’s hand, was still as Shoyo desperately clung to him.

“I want you to stay away from that Kageyama guy. I don’t want to hear any more rumours about you two, okay?” Yusuke murmured.

“Okay,” Shoyo responded through his tears.

Yusuke grabbed both of his hands, “Hey, don’t cry, Shoyo. Everything’s okay now. We’re okay. I only do this because I love you, you know that.”

“I know,” Shoyo said, plastering a smile on his face, “I love you too.”

The two started walking again, hand in hand once more.

Neither of them noticed the person standing about twenty feet back, with a hand pressed to their mouth and a look of horror on their face.

-

The rest of the night was good. Yusuke cooked them dinner, and they went right to sleep after. Or, Yusuke went to sleep. Shoyo couldn’t stop staring at the ceiling, thinking.

What did it mean to love someone?

Yusuke loved him, but Yusuke also hurt him.

His mom and Natsu loved him, and neither of them had ever hurt him.

Maybe that was the difference between romantic love and unconditional, familial love? 

No. No, no, love wasn’t meant to hurt like this. Love wasn’t meant to be found in bruised wrists and bleeding hands. Love wasn’t hands around the throat, or slaps to the face. Love was… gentle, and kind, and caring!

But Yusuke cared about him! And he could be gentle, as well. Shoyo’s mind went to the warmth of the sun, a tiny bird cupped in Yusuke’s palm, the smile on Yusuke’s face when they found the bird’s nest. 

Yusuke wasn’t evil.

Another memory filled Shoyo’s mind; not long ago, a crying Yusuke clinging to him and begging forgiveness.

No, Yusuke wasn’t evil, he wasn’t a bad person. He loved Shoyo, and that was all that mattered. Sure, Yusuke had a temper, but that wasn’t his fault, and Shoyo could handle it.

Still, as Shoyo slept, he couldn’t help but dream of a world without Yusuke.

-

_earlier_

“What was with Chibi-chan? Is he always like that?” Tooru asked Sawamura.

“What do you mean?” Sawamura asked in response.

“You know! He was suuuper twitchy, and kept looking up at those people watching! And a couple times, I saw him get really excited, then look up there and immediately calm down. Yahabacchi noticed too!” Tooru insisted.

“I did,” Yahaba agreed, “Is everything okay with him? He just- the way he was acting, it reminded me of...”

“One of our teammates, who had some trouble in his relationship,” Tooru finished, “Keep an eye on him, okay?”

“I had noticed that, actually,” Refreshing-kun interjected, “I’ll talk to him again. Why do you care so much, Oikawa-san?”

Tooru met Yahaba’s eyes, “No one deserves to be hurt by the one who’s supposed to love him.”

-

Shoyo woke up to the sounds of movement in the kitchen, despite it still being dark out. When he went to grab his phone to check the time, he realized that it wasn’t where he left it. 

“Yusuke, have you seen my phone?” Shoyo shouted, checking his bag.

“Come here, Shoyo,” was Yusuke’s response. Confused, Shoyo walked into the kitchen to see Yusuke sit down with a bowl of food. His favourite food, tamago kake gohan. His phone was on the table next to Yusuke’s.

“Did you take my phone?” Shoyo demanded.

“Someone tried to call you. Tsukishima or something. Why was he calling you, Shoyo?” 

“He’s my friend. You know him, he’s in your class. Can I have my phone back?”

“I don’t think so. When that guy called, I figured I’d check your emails, and you know what I saw? You’ve been talking to Kageyama. A lot. You know I don’t like that guy,” Yusuke told.

“Those were from before,” Shoyo said weakly, even though it was true. He sat down across from Yusuke. Yusuke didn’t even like tamago kake gohan. Shoyo was hungry, he wanted some so badly, but he knew that wasn’t happening.

“I deleted them, and I don’t want you emailing him again. Is that clear?” Yusuke asked.

“Crystal,” Shoyo mumbled, staring at the bowl of food. Yusuke followed his gaze, and smirked, popping a bite in his mouth.

“Something wrong, Sho?” he asked innocently.

“Nothing at all.”

-

The rest of the day, Shoyo dragged himself around. He didn’t have any energy, any motivation. He muttered vague responses to questions, and brushed off anyone who tried to talk to him.

When practice came, he tried to shake the mood, he really did. But as Daichi talked about what they did right and wrong, Suga kept shooting him concerned looks, and he really just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

His mood was lightened a bit when they actually started practicing. It was a hard practice, since they were working on their weak points from the match, but Shoyo actually enjoyed it. 

About halfway through practice, Noya and Asahi showed up, and Daichi begrudgingly let them join in, though not before they each ran ten laps.

Shoyo made a point of not even looking at Kageyama.

As soon as practice was over, Shoyo left quickly, pretending he didn’t hear Kageyama calling after him. Yusuke wasn’t around, but better safe than sorry.

Shoyo started heading home, then paused. This was the first time in awhile he was walking home alone, since Yusuke had cram school, and he really wanted to go home, eat dinner with his mom, play with Natsu. But… he couldn’t do that without letting Yusuke know, and since Yusuke had his phone, he couldn’t let him know.

He didn’t really have a choice.

He headed to Yusuke’s place instead, and let himself in with his key. He went straight to the bedroom, tossing his bag to the side, and collapsed on the bed.

He drifted in and out of consciousness, and was mostly asleep when the door opened.

“Yusuke?” he called softly.

“I’m home, babe,” Yusuke responded.

“Welcome back,” Shoyo murmured, turning to face him.

Yusuke wrinkled his nose, “You look fat, Shoyo. What have you eaten today?”

Shoyo immediately felt self-conscious, and drew his knees up to hide his stomach, “Nothing, Yusuke!”

“Good. Keep it that way.”

Yusuke joined him in bed, pulling Shoyo to his chest.

Shoyo coughed, pulling away, “Yusuke, you stink like smoke! I thought you were quitting. You know that smell really bothers me.”

Yusuke grabbed his wrist, twisting until Shoyo cried out.

“Talk to me like that again and I swear, I’ll break your wrist,” Yusuke growled before letting go and pointedly turning over. 

Shoyo was tired of this. He was tired of living like this.

He was tired of living.

With a pillow pressed to his face to muffle the sounds, Shoyo cried himself to sleep.

That night, his dreams were all of dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you thought! your comments always make me scream <3 <3


	10. 9- Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoyo was conflicted. He really wanted to go to the training camp, and play Nekoma. According to his senpai, Nekoma were their ‘fated rivals.’ He would just love to play against them! But there was no way Yusuke would let him. He would get slapped just for asking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k, so this chapter has a lot of time skips, as it is a transition chapter between the first story arc and the second story arc. sorry if it seems jarring! i just wanted to fit as much content as i could while covering everything i wanted to cover, if that makes sense aha
> 
> warnings: eating disorders, panic attacks, possessiveness, physical abuse, suicidal thoughts

Shoyo was short of breath as he jogged along the path, squinting slightly as the light of the rising sun shone in his face. If he was right, he should get to the gym just after Ennoshita, who, as the earliest riser, had been given Daichi’s keys to the gym. The captain was a surprisingly heavy sleeper, and was almost always the last one there.

Shoyo caught a glimpse of his hand and winced. The marks from Yusuke’s nails were still bright red and glaringly obvious. Yesterday’s practice had been short after the match, so no one had noticed, but Shoyo knew there was no way he was getting through another day unquestioned. He would say... that his cat scratched him? He didn’t have a cat, but the team didn’t know that.

His stomach let out a nasty gurgle. When was the last time he ate? Yusuke had made him dinner two nights ago... and he hadn’t eaten since then. He could stop at Sakanoshita on his way to practice, and get a meat bun-

No, he couldn’t. Yusuke had taken his debit card. Yusuke’s parents would be in town until Sunday, so Shoyo wouldn’t be able to see him, except at school, and he had taken Shoyo’s card. Shoyo didn’t really remember why; something about not being around to control Shoyo’s impulses. 

It made him mad. He couldn’t eat now until lunch, if he could get someone to share their food.

_You look fat, Shoyo._

Or he could just not eat. 

Shaking his head sharply, Shoyo put those thoughts out of his mind and quickened his pace, going from a jog to a run. He ran along the stone path with a clear mind. It wouldn’t hurt if he didn’t think about it, right? Pain was a choice, and he could simply _choose_ to be fine. 

(He knew that wasn’t how it worked, but he allowed himself to believe it.)

-

“Golden Week starts in a couple of days! And as always, we will be holding a training camp during that week,” Daichi announced, “I believe Takeda-sensei mentioned a practice match?”

“Ah, yes! I managed to talk to the head coach for Nekoma, and they’ve agreed to a match on the last day of the camp!” Takeda enthused, “I’ve also found you a coach, who’ll be dropping by later!”

“That’s great news, Take-chan!!” Noya cheered, “I can’t wait! Do we need permission slips for the camp?”

“Yes, I have some here, just remember to grab one on your way out,” Takeda confirmed.

Shoyo was conflicted. He really wanted to go to the training camp, and play Nekoma. According to his senpai, Nekoma were their ‘fated rivals.’ He would just love to play against them! But there was no way Yusuke would let him. He would get slapped just for asking.

He really, _really_ wanted to go. 

_You will do what I say, when I say it._

Shoyo sighed. This was a choice he would have to make, fully aware of the consequences.

Why did it have to be this hard?

“Oi, Hinata. Are you going to the training camp?” Kageyama asked.

“I dunno yet! Are you?” Shoyo responded lightly.

“Of course. Nothing’s more important to me than volleyball.”

_Do you love volleyball more than me?_

Shoyo laughed weakly, a heaviness suddenly manifesting in his chest. He was such an asshole, even considering going! Yusuke had made it perfectly clear how it made him feel, when Shoyo chose volleyball over him. He was a shitty boyfriend. 

It was hard to breathe. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t string his thoughts together. He heard Kageyama talking but far away.

And then there was a hand on his shoulder and he was being led away, away from the noise of the gym, away from lights and sounds and questioning looks. It was Tsukishima, of course, taking him somewhere quiet, somewhere safe.

“It’s okay, Hinata. You’re safe. We’re alone. Just focus on your breath, okay?”

Shoyo tried, he did, but it hurt so much- 

His lungs were being squeezed, and his chest was shuddering as he started hyperventilating. Tears started dripping down his face, and his knees gave out. He expected to hit the floor, but Tsukki caught him and gently lowered him down. 

“The prehistoric Megalodon was the largest marine creature to ever exist. It is theorized to have been approximately 60 feet long, and weighed up to 100 tons. They fed on whales, dolphins, and giant turtles. The Megalodon was a shark designed to take down tougher prey than most; it specifically evolved to tear apart tough cartilage rather than settling for softer, easier prey. It had seven-inch teeth, and a bite force of almost 20 tons.”

Tsukishima kept talking in the same level tone, and Shoyo calmed down. His chest loosened, and the tears stopped.

“Feeling better?”

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine now,” Shoyo assured shakily, “Thank you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tsukki offered.

He did. Shoyo desperately wanted to talk about it. But he couldn’t. Yusuke would leave him if anyone found out, and there wasn’t anyone else who would love him.

“No, I'm not ready to talk about it yet,” Shoyo answered simply.

“Okay,” Tsukki said simply, “If you change your mind, you have my number. I’ll always answer, any time.”

“Thank you,” Shoyo said genuinely, grabbing the taller boy in a tight hug. Tsukki didn’t return the hug but he didn’t need to.

“My brother’s picking me up. He’ll drive you home, if you want,” Tsukki offered.

Shoyo paused to think. He would appreciate the ride; he didn’t feel up to walking anywhere right now. He wanted to go home. But if he wasn’t at Yusuke’s when his boyfriend finished cram school, there would be hell to pay. 

He wanted his mom. He wanted his boyfriend. He didn’t want to get hurt, not again.

With a deep breath, he made his choice.

-

“That Tsukishima is such a nice boy, driving you all the way up here,” Shoyo’s mom said fondly, watching as the small car drove away.

“Yeah, Tsukki’s a good friend,” Shoyo agreed, surprising himself. Everyone thought Tsukishima was so prickly, but he was actually a good person. Shoyo understood why Yamaguchi liked him so much.

“Nii-chan, color with me!” Natsu shrieked happily, waving a crayon in the air. Shoyo laughed and knelt next to her, picking up a crayon.

“It’s nice to have you home, Shoyo! I know you have that boyfriend, but you have to make some time for your old mom once in a while!” his mom teased, but with a sad undertone to her voice.

“I’m sorry, okaa-san, I’ll come home more often. I promise!” Shoyo said sincerely. 

“You better, nii-chan! Someone has to color with me, and kaa-chan’s too boring! She always makes the sky blue and the trees green!” Natsu complained, “I like it when the trees are pink!”

Shoyo laughed, “Nacchan, you like it when everything’s pink!”

His laughter and Natsu’s complaints filled the house, and he could pretend not to feel his phone vibrating in his pocket. Just for one night, he would do what made him happy, and not what made Yusuke happy. For just one night, he would put himself first.

“Kaa-san,” he called in a moment of bravery, “Can you sign this form for me?”

-

The next day, after morning practice, Shoyo went to Takeda’s office to turn in his permission form. It was his choice, and he chose the training camp. 

His phone vibrated again and again but he ignored it.

Shoyo worked hard in class that day, so his grades wouldn’t suffer too much from missing a week of class. He had somehow worked his way up to an 80% average in nearly every class. That was huge progress compared to when he couldn’t score in the double digits. 

It was lunch when his good mood was shattered. He was chatting happily with Kageyama, eating the bento his mom had prepared for him, when Yusuke showed up.

“Sho-chan, I need to talk to you. Come with me?” Yusuke asked. It wasn’t really a question. Biting his lip nervously, Shoyo followed Yusuke out of the classroom, and up to the roof. Usually the basketball team ate lunch up there, but it was suspiciously empty today. 

Yusuke turned to him, and Shoyo barely had the time to register his fear before he was slammed harshly into the wall. Yusuke pressed an arm against his throat mercilessly.

“You don’t show up at my house. You ignore my calls. You avoid me. What the hell are you playing at, you little bitch?” Yusuke hissed, seething. Shoyo clawed at his arm, unable to breathe. He was terrified.

“P-Please..” he managed to stammer out.

“I thought I showed you what happens when you disobey me. Obviously you need to be taught a lesson.”

Yusuke’s arm lifted, and Shoyo barely had time to take a shaky breath before his head was slammed against the wall, and he was thrown to the ground. Shoyo’s vision swam as he was hauled up only to be thrown down again. Yusuke squatted beside him, grabbing his hair and pulling Shoyo’s head up until their eyes met.

“When you get to my place tonight, I’ll really make you sorry. Until then, I want your phone. Give it to me now,” Yusuke demanded.

Shoyo weakly complied, and Yusuke pocketed it, standing up.

“You will wait for me outside the gates once your practice is done. If you are not there when I arrive, there will be severe consequences. Am I understood?”

“Yes,” Shoyo said nervously, “Understood.”

Yusuke dropped him, and walked away. Shoyo couldn’t bring himself to get up. It hurt so much. He was probably crying, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He heard laughter from the direction of the door. Someone was coming. They would see him, lying on the ground sobbing like a baby. How pathetic.

“Hey- Hinata!” 

He weakly lifted his head to see Ennoshita rushing towards him, followed by the two other second years- Narita, and Kinoshita?

“Are you okay?” Ennoshita asked breathlessly, kneeling next to him.

“’M fine, just-” Shoyo attempted to push himself off the ground, but immediately fell again, “Ngh! It hurts!”

“Don’t move, okay? Just- Hisashi, Kazuhito, get the nurse. You’ll be okay, Hinata,” Ennoshita promised.

“No! I won’t! I’ll never be okay!” Shoyo shouted desperately, “It’s never okay. This- it will never stop! I’ll never be okay, I wish I was dead!”

“Oh, Hinata,” Ennoshita murmured sadly, gently lifting Shoyo into his lap and hugging him.

“I just want to die,” Shoyo whispered despondently, “I just want to die.”

-

Shoyo didn’t go back to Yusuke’s that night. Instead, he went home. He ate dinner with his family, packed a bag, and went to bed early. The training camp started the next morning, and Shoyo wanted to be well-rested. He was injured after Yusuke’s beating, but he had been worse, and the nurse had reluctantly given him the go-ahead, with a warning to take it easy. 

He would not let Yusuke stop him from doing what he loved.

_It’s just a stupid sports club. It’s not like you’re doing anything actually worthwhile._

No. Shoyo didn’t believe that, and he would _not_ let Yusuke ruin it for him.

_**I believe in you** _

-

Shoyo was sad to see the camp end. That week was one of the best weeks he’d had in a long time. He’d practised hard, bonded with his teammates, and even befriended Kenma, Nekoma’s setter. Before they had to leave, Shoyo had stolen Kenma’s phone and put his info in, and made Kenma promise to email him. 

The practice match had rekindled the old Crow-Cat rivalry, and now the whole team was eagerly looking forward to the Battle at the Trash Heap. The two teams would meet again on the national stage.

-

When Shoyo woke up the next morning, he just knew in his heart that something bad would happen that day. He couldn’t shake the feeling, and made a lot of mistakes at morning practice. He was benched after taking one too many balls to the face and suffering a mild concussion.

“What’s with you today?” Suga asked him worriedly after practice, “You seem really out of it.”

“I don’t know. I have a really bad feeling about today, Suga-san,” Shoyo confessed, “Maybe it’ll go away if I ignore it.”

But it didn’t go away. The feeling of foreboding persisted through morning classes, through an awkward lunch with Kageyama, and through afternoon classes. He didn’t understand what was wrong with him.

Everything made sense when practice started.

“I know it’s a bit late in the season, but we have a new first-year joining us!” Daichi announced happily, “Come introduce yourself; tell us your name, junior high, and position.”

As the new first year cockily strutted into the gym, Shoyo felt sick. This wasn’t real, this couldn’t be happening.

“I’m Kamachi Yusuke, from Yukigaoka Junior High. I’m a setter,” Yusuke smirked, staring at Shoyo, “I’ll be in your care~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #riphinatashoyo


	11. 10- Careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be real. There was no way that this could actually be happening.
> 
> But no matter how Shoyo tried to convince himself otherwise, there was no denying that Yusuke was there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh everyone go look at [this gorgeous art](http://nokkosprinsessa.tumblr.com/post/158864760685/i-made-this-fanart-for-this-fanfic-fly-its-an) drawn for this fic by NettlePrincess <3 
> 
> also i am so sorry for this chapter im lowkey sobbing
> 
> warnings: verbal abuse and manipulation, physical abuse, long-term injury, dissociation, ableism? (not really, but just in case)

This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be real. There was no way that this could actually be happening.

But no matter how Shoyo tried to convince himself otherwise, there was no denying that Yusuke was there, and he had been introduced as the new volleyball club member. Yusuke had invaded his safe space, and was smirking at him, as if he could sense Shoyo’s panic.

“Well, let’s see what you can do!” Suga challenged, “There’s a lot of competition to play setter around here, so I hope you’re good!”

“Oh, trust me, I’m good,” Yusuke assured, his eyes still fixed on Shoyo.

“Alright, let’s have a match, then! Let’s have... Kageyama, Hinata, Nishinoya, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita on one team; Kamachi, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Asahi, Suga, and myself on the other,” Daichi quickly decided. 

Shoyo was relieved that he wouldn’t have to play with Yusuke yet. There was a look in Yusuke’s eyes that chilled Shoyo to the bone.

The match started, and Shoyo tried to forget that Yusuke was on the other side of the court. He simply jumped, trusting Kageyama as always.

However, before long, they were behind by ten points.

“Nice one, Azumane-san!” Yusuke congratulated, high-fiving the ace.

“What is with this guy?” Noya panted, “Seriously, he’s like some kind of monster. I can’t keep up.”

“He’s like Oikawa-san,” Kageyama told, “He can read the best kind of toss to give to maximize the spikers’ potential. He’s not as skilled as Oikawa-san, but the instinct was there.

Shoyo was barely keeping it together. Yusuke was secretly a volleyball prodigy? All this time tearing Shoyo down for loving volleyball...

The next thing he registered was a sharp pain. He blinked; why was he on the floor? He dizzily sat up to see a satisfied expression on Yusuke’s face for a split second before it was gone, replaced with fake concern.

“Oh, Sho, I’m so sorry!” Yusuke apologized, “I didn’t mean to hit you, I swear!”

“Don’t worry, Kamachi, Shoyo’s fine. He’s used to getting hit with volleyballs, right?” Noya teased.

Yusuke stiffened. Shoyo started to panic. Noya had used his given name, even though Shoyo asked him not to. Oh, Yusuke was pissed, he was in so much trouble-

“That isn’t something you should get used to, Sho,” Yusuke rebuked teasingly, but Shoyo saw through it. He saw the unmistakable fury in Yusuke’s eyes.

“Hinata, do you need to go see the nurse?” Daichi asked.

“N-No, I’ll be fine, Captain!” Shoyo assured, shakily standing up, “Yusuke, your spikes really pack a punch!”

“Ahh, I’ll be more careful next time, sorry,” Yusuke apologized sheepishly.

_No, you won’t._

-

They played four sets, and Shoyo’s team only won one. When paired with Yusuke’s tosses, the spikers were unstoppable, especially Asahi, whose spikes were already very powerful. Yusuke was formally inducted into the club, and given a jacket. Ukai, who had agreed to stick around after the match with Nekoma, arrived in time to watch the last set, and he had been very impressed with Yusuke’s ability. 

“And I was already strugglin’ to choose a starting setter,” Ukai chuckled, “I’ll work you three hard until the Inter-High, but it’s gonna be a tough choice.”

“Three..?” Suga said breathlessly, “Thank you for giving me a chance too, Ukai-san!”

“You have skill, kid. Give yourself more credit,” Ukai told, which made Suga beam.

“Who wants their favourite senpai to buy meat buns?” Tanaka yelled.

“Ooh, I want meat buns!” Shoyo shouted back.

“Don’t you think we should get going, Shoyo?” Yusuke asked, “We have a lot to do tonight.”

_You have a lot of explaining to do. And I won’t be holding back tonight._

“Y-Yeah, you’re right. We’d better go. See you tomorrow, everyone!” Shoyo called out.

“Hinata, call me later,” Tsukishima ordered. Shoyo knew that Tsukki could see through his calm facade to the panic under his skin, the fear running through his veins. Tsukki had watched him unravel too many times to be fooled.

He was lucky Tsukki didn’t ask why he was always afraid. He didn’t question the reason for Shoyo’s panic. He was just there, supporting him, and Shoyo was grateful.

“I will,” Shoyo promised before hurrying after Yusuke to the club room.

“Why does Tsukishima-kun want you to call him, Shoyo?” Yusuke’s voice was ice as he calmly asked the question. Shoyo winced; it was going to be a long night. Angry Yusuke was nothing compared to Cold Yusuke. He was colder, and far more dangerous, when he wasn’t yelling.

“Homework! He’s helping me out, I didn’t want to bother you since it’s mostly stupid questions,” Shoyo lied, hoping it was convincing enough.

“Oh, of course, of course. I suppose that’s also why you’ve been avoiding me?” Yusuke’s hand found his hair, yanking his head back.

“Not here, Yusuke,” Shoyo pleaded, glancing at the door, “Everyone will be in here soon to change, please, don’t do this here.”

Yusuke considered his words, then released him. “This isn’t over, Shoyo. When we get home, you will be answering my questions, and you will get what you deserve.”

A heaviness settled in his stomach as he shakily changed. His teammates flooded in eventually, voices loud and happy, but he felt so far away. So detached. It was like he wasn’t there at all.

A hand encircled his wrist and roughly pulled him along. He knew it hurt, but he couldn’t really feel it. He couldn’t really feel anything. He vaguely registered stumbling along the stone path, struggling to keep up with Yusuke’s pace.

Once they were inside Yusuke’s house, Shoyo withdrew further inside himself, anticipating the pain. Instead, he was hauled into the kitchen and his hands were shoved into the sink, and the water was turned on as hot as it could go. The pain was sharp, burning through the fog and anchoring him.

He tried to pull his hands away but Yusuke held them there, under the stream of hot water.

“Are you done?” Yusuke demanded, “Are you done dissociating, Sho?”

“Yusuke, it hurts, please!” Shoyo pleaded, trying again to pull his hands away, “I don’t even know what that means!”

Yusuke shut the water off, and spun Shoyo around to face him, harshly grabbing his jaw, “You were completely unresponsive. I had to drag you all the way here, and I still have some fucking questions, _dear._ What the fuck happened this week?”

“Th-there was a training c-camp,” Shoyo stuttered, “I’m sorry I didn’t t-tell you.”

“I don’t think you are,” Yusuke hissed, digging his fingernails into Shoyo’s cheek, “I think you knew I’d say no, but you went anyways. You purposely disobeyed me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“Sorry isn’t fucking good enough, Shoyo. Sorry doesn’t make it hurt any less for me. Do you know how bad it feels for your boyfriend to just... disappear for a week? I was so worried about you!” Yusuke told, “You left me without so much as a call!”

“It’s hard for me to call you when you still have my phone,” Shoyo snapped, immediately regretting it when Yusuke’s eyes flashed with fury.

“Oh, so now it’s my fault?!” Yusuke shouted, slamming Shoyo against the wall. His head hit the wall hard, and his vision started to swim.

This was bad. Yusuke was so angry, Shoyo didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what he _could_ do.

“You’ve been such a bad boyfriend, Shoyo. Disrespecting me, disrespecting my wishes...” Yusuke snarled, grabbing his wrist and twisting it enough to make him cry out, “Don’t think I didn’t notice that libero using your given name, after I _explicitly told you_ that only I can call you that.”

“I asked him not to! I swear I did, but he didn’t listen!” Shoyo desperately told. Yusuke was going to break his wrist, it wasn’t just a threat this time. Shoyo could see it in Yusuke’s eyes.

He had really fucked up this time.

He didn’t feel Yusuke hit him, and he didn’t feel the break. All he felt was immediate, excruciating pain, and he screamed.

Yusuke tossed him to the ground, apparently satisfied.

“Your phone’s in the bedroom. I don’t want to see you here when I get back,” Yusuke told coldly before leaving. Moments later, Shoyo heard the front door slam.

This was really bad. Shoyo’s hand hung limp, and he cradled it to his body as he struggled to his feet. He swayed unsteadily for a moment, his vision still blurry from hitting his head before, then started slowly walking to the bedroom, using his uninjured hand to lean on the walls.

He grabbed his phone before collapsing on the bed, careful not to further injure his wrist. He was really badly hurt this time. Not just his wrist, but his head. Something was seriously wrong.

He didn’t know what to do. Did he call an ambulance? Surely he wasn’t that badly hurt, right? He couldn’t call his mom, she wouldn’t know what to do. She was always hysterical when someone was injured.

Scrolling through his contacts, one name stood out to him, and before he could doubt his decision, he dialed the number.

“Hello?”

“Suga-san,” Shoyo sobbed into the phone, “I don’t know what to do, please help me.”

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Suga asked, instantly alarmed, “Daichi, something’s wrong, get your keys. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not. I- I fell down the stairs, and my head hurts really bad, and I think my wrist is broken,” Shoyo confessed.

“Okay, I need you to stay awake, Hinata. Don’t go to sleep,” Suga told firmly “Can you tell me where you are?”

Shoyo choked out Yusuke’s address, barely able to speak through his sobs.

“We’re on our way. Don’t go to sleep, we won’t be long. Everything will be alright,” Suga promised, “Do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“Yes, please,” Shoyo sniffled.

-

It was a long night. Shoyo’s wrist was, in fact, broken, although it was a minor fracture, and he had a concussion. 2 weeks in a hard cast, 4 weeks in a soft cast. He wouldn’t be able to play volleyball at all for awhile, at least until the hard cast came off. Technically, he couldn’t play while he still had the soft cast on, but since it was a minor fracture, the doctor would re-evaluate it in a few weeks.

“Thanks for staying with me, Suga-san. I was so afraid,” Shoyo told quietly.

“You don’t need to thank me for that, Hinata. All I want is for you to be okay,” Suga smiled, “Will you still come to practice, even though you can only watch?”

“Yeah, I will!” Shoyo promised, “I’ll try to make it to morning practice tomorrow, but I dunno if they’ll let me out on time.”

“You mean today,” Suga corrected, “It’s past midnight. And there won’t be morning practice. Daichi’s already called everyone, although he didn’t go into detail. We’ll stay with you tonight, and when you’re discharged, we’ll all head to school.”

“Thank you so much, Suga-san! For everything!”

Suga hesitated, “I do have a question, but you don’t have to answer. Why didn’t you want anyone to call your parents? Or your emergency contact? Why did you call me?”

“Uhh, I didn’t want my mom to worry about me. She overreacts a lot about this kind of thing,” Shoyo explained, “And my emergency contact-”

_Yusuke._

“Isn’t around. You’re the only other person I could think of.”

Suga smiled, “I’m always here for you, Hinata. Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I need to talk to Daichi, but I won’t be far away.”

“Okay, night, Suga-san!” 

Suga turned the lights off, and Shoyo curled up in the lumpy hospital bed, careful of his arm. It was funny. The hospital was cold and jarring, and he could hear all sorts of noise from outside, but he hadn’t fallen asleep faster in a long time.

-

“You think he’s lying?” Daichi asked in a hushed tone, glancing towards the door to Hinata’s hospital room.

“I don’t know,” Suga bit his lip, “He’s definitely not telling the whole truth. Falling down the stairs sounds far too convenient, and you saw those bruises starting on his face, not to mention the ones on his arm.”

“You think someone did that to him,” Daichi realized, “But who? Who would do such a thing?”

“I’m not sure of anything. Who would be, in this situation?” Suga hesitated before continuing, “We both know something’s off between him and Kamachi-kun, we’ve known that since the day he joined the club. We need to start keeping a closer eye on them.”

Daichi sighed, “He’s such a good kid, Koushi. He doesn’t deserve this.”

“I know, Dai, I know,” Suga murmured.


	12. 11- Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata’s wrist was broken.
> 
> Tobio couldn’t stop staring at the spiker. His teacher’s voice was only background noise. All he could think about was how Hinata was hurt, Hinata’s wrist was broken, Hinata couldn’t play volleyball.
> 
> It made him angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. some things get better, some things get worse. this chapter is split between hinata's pov and kageyama's pov /i gotta involve kageyama more before ppl forget this is eventual kagehina lol/
> 
> its important in this chapter to pay attention to the changes in how they refer to people ;)
> 
> warnings: panic attacks, lots of mentions of abuse

Shoyo didn’t sleep.

Sure, he tried, but every time he closed his eyes, Yusuke’s furious expression painted the inside of his eyelids, and Yusuke’s cold hiss filled his ears.

_I still have some fucking questions, dear._

Shoyo was terrified that any minute, Yusuke would burst through the door, and continue punishing him. Going to the training camp was a mistake.

Everything was so much worse for him now. And with Yusuke on the volleyball team, there was no escape. There was nowhere for Shoyo to run. There was only Yusuke and his rage.

Every time Shoyo shot up in bed, on the verge of a panic attack, he was reminded of how absolutely _pathetic_ he was. 

He couldn’t do this any more. He hated being scared all the time. But he didn’t know what to do. There were so many things he wanted to do, but Yusuke wouldn’t let him. And he loved Yusuke. 

He couldn’t have both. He couldn’t do whatever he wanted, and expect Yusuke to stick around.

Eventually, he would have to choose.

He didn’t know what he would choose, and that scared him almost as much as Yusuke.

Almost.

-

Hinata’s wrist was broken.

Tobio couldn’t stop staring at the spiker. His teacher’s voice was only background noise. All he could think about was how Hinata was hurt, Hinata’s wrist was broken, Hinata couldn’t play volleyball.

It made him angry.

Tobio didn’t understand why, but the fact that Hinata was injured made him absolutely furious. Hinata was a dumbass, but he was Tobio’s partner, and Tobio cared about him. A lot.

And someone had hurt him.

It was enough to make Tobio see red. He wanted to find whoever had done that to Hinata, and make them suffer.

Hinata said that he fell down the stairs, but he was lying. Tobio could tell.

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know anyone who would know what to do.

Actually, when he thought about it...

Maybe he did know someone.

-

“Hinata?”

Shoyo spun in his seat to see Asahi standing in the doorway to the classroom.

“Asahi-san, what are you doing here?” Shoyo asked, his lunch forgotten as he walked over to the ace.

“I need to talk to you about something. Could you come with me? It shouldn’t take long,” Asahi requested nervously. 

Shoyo didn’t know why Asahi was nervous, but it made him nervous. Nevertheless, he followed Asahi out of the classroom, and up to the roof.

“Sorry to bring you up here,” Asahi apologized sheepishly, sitting down against the wall, “I just figured you wouldn’t want anyone to overhear this.”

Shoyo sat down beside him, growing increasingly anxious, “What’s this about, senpai?”

Asahi took a deep breath, “I don’t know where to start. This is a heavy subject. I guess- I’ll start by telling you about why Noya and I were suspended.”

Shoyo blinked, suddenly interested. Tanaka said no one knew why they were suspended, so he was eager to hear the story.

“Noya and I were planning to study together during lunch one day, so we asked a teacher to use an empty classroom. When we got there, though, there were already two people in there,” Asahi explained, “Yuuko-san and Kenta-kun, a couple from Noya’s class. When we got there, they were fighting. Yuuko was yelling at Kenta, he was yelling back, and she slapped him. Noya... well, he freaked out. He tackled Yuuko. I tried to get in between them, but the dean showed up. Yuuko told him that I had hit Kenta, and when she tried to stop me, Noya had attacked her. The dean believed her over us. He suspended us for a week. I don’t know exactly what Daichi heard, but he banned us from club activities for a month.”

Shoyo’s head spun. That’s not what he had expected, not at all. But-

“Asahi-san, why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“Well,” Asahi started, evidently struggling to find the words, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that- I saw you, Hinata. The day of the Seijoh practice match, I saw you and Kamachi. I saw what he did to you, and I know that he broke your wrist.”

-

Tobio scowled at the door to Class 4. He didn’t want to go inside. He didn’t want to do this.

_It’s for Hinata. You can put up with Stupidshima if it helps Hinata._

Letting that motivate him, Tobio went inside, immediately spotting Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, Tsukishima with his headphones on and Yamaguchi dutifully studying.

“Oi, Tsukishima, I need to talk to you,” Tobio demanded.

“And why should I talk to you?” Tsukishima drawled lazily.

“It’s about Hinata.”

“Not here,” Yamaguchi said quickly, glancing around. Speaking quietly, he continued, “Behind the gym, five minutes. Don’t be followed.”

Tobio was confused, but he complied, leaving the classroom and taking the long way around the gym, glancing behind him every once in awhile. He waited there for almost ten minutes before Yamaguchi showed up.

“Tsukki wouldn’t come, sorry,” Yamaguchi apologized, “Sorry for the secrecy, too, but it would be bad for... certain people to overhear us.”

“So there is something wrong, then?”

Yamaguchi hesitated, “Yeah. Yeah, there’s something wrong. We don’t know much, though. I mean, all we know for sure is that Hinata has really bad panic attacks and hides his friendships from his boyfriend.”

“Why would he do that?” Tobio asked.

“Like I said, we don’t know for sure, but Tsukki thinks- well, I think so too- that his boyfriend is abusive.”

“Abusive,” Tobio echoed, “Kamachi broke his wrist. Kamachi’s responsible for the bruises he always has. That’s why we had to come out here, because Kamachi’s in your class.”

Yamaguchi nodded sadly. Tobio saw red, and didn’t even realize he had started moving until Yamaguchi grabbed his wrist.

“You can’t,” Yamaguchi told, “You can’t do anything to Kamachi-kun, because it would make things a lot worse for Hinata. And you can’t let Hinata find out that you know. No offense, Kageyama, but you’re really blunt, and this is a really delicate situation. One wrong word and Hinata will stop trusting you. You can’t help him until he asks you to.”

“What can I do then?!” Tobio demanded, frustrated.

“All you can do is be there for him,” Tadashi said, “Make him feel comfortable around you. Don’t treat him differently, but don’t excessively insult him, either. That’s what Tsukki does, and to a lesser extent, what I do. All we can do is support him, until he’s ready to accept our help. Trust me, approaching him now would only make things worse.”

-

“W-What did you say?” Shoyo stuttered.

“I know he abuses you, Hinata,” Asahi repeated, “And after he broke your wrist, I can’t just watch any more.”

“He didn’t do this. I fell down the stairs,” Shoyo defended coldly, “Yusuke is not abusive.”

“Hinata, you don’t need to lie to me. I would never judge you. I just can’t watch you come to school covered in bruises, knowing that he’s the one giving them to you,” Azumane told gently.

“You don’t know the first thing about it, Azumane-san,” Shoyo said, surprised at the icy malice in his tone, “You don’t know me. You don’t get to make assumptions like that. Yusuke has been there for me when no one else was, and I trust him more than I’ll ever trust you. When I’m struggling, or in pain, or having a fucking panic attack, he’s there, more than anyone else _ever_ has been!” Shoyo was yelling now, “So you don’t get to come in and act like some kind of hero! You don’t know shit about my relationship, so why don’t you just fuck off?!”

Azumane’s eyes were wide with shock and pain. As Shoyo stared at him, he realized what he had done, and ran from the roof.

_You’re just. Like. HIM._

Shoyo barely made it to the bathroom before he started to sob, struggling for breath. He had yelled at Azumane. Shoyo had lashed out at his senpai, who was only trying to help, and Shoyo had hurt him. He was no better than Yusuke. 

Shoyo managed to lock himself in a stall before his knees hit the ground, and he threw up. He couldn’t breathe, and his vision was blurry with tears. He still felt sick. He couldn’t move.

Somehow, he managed to find his phone, and immediately called Tsukki.

“I- I yelled at someone. I think I r-r-really hurt him. Am I a bad p-person, Kei?” he asked as soon as the blocker answered.

“Where are you?”

“Bathroom,” he sniffled.

It didn’t take Tsukki more than two minutes to find him and wrap his arms comfortingly around his shaking form.

“You’re not a bad person, Hinata,” Kei said firmly.

“But I-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kei interrupted, “If you were a bad person, you wouldn’t feel bad about it. Simple.”

“You don’t understand. Kei, I’m just like-” Shoyo choked on Yusuke’s name. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell Kei, he couldn’t tell anyone.

“You’re not.”

And somehow, that was all Shoyo needed to here. He cried into Kei’s shoulder, sitting on the bathroom floor, and somehow, he felt like everything would be okay.

-

The rest of the day was a blur. Tobio couldn’t focus on anything. Tadashi’s words kept replaying in his head.

_Be there for him._

Tobio risked another glance at Hinata. His eyes were still bloodshot; he had obviously been crying. 

_Support him._

Tobio didn’t know what to do. He had never done this before. He had never really cared about anyone before.

_That’s what Tsukki does._

Oddly enough, that was the most motivating thing Tadashi said. Tobio could do anything that megane bastard could do.

Tobio scrawled a mostly-legible note, simply saying ‘r u okay?’ Careful not to attract anyone’s attention, he slid it onto Hinata’s desk. Hinata read it, then looked at him and merely shook his head, smiling sadly and passing it back. 

Okay. He was getting somewhere. Underneath it, he wrote ‘anything i can do?’ and passed it to Hinata again. The decoy chewed the end of his pen thoughtfully before scribbling a response and passing it to Tobio once more.

‘tell me about your favourite memory?’

Tobio smiled and started writing, telling Hinata about how he taught his little sister how to play volleyball. She was a natural setter, just like him, and she made him happier than anyone else in the world.

He watched Hinata’s face light up as he read, and he smiled fondly. He could do this. If it was really enough to just be there, he would be there, whenever Hinata needed.

Because he cared about Hinata, and he would never admit this, but if his sister was his favourite person, Hinata was a close second.

-

Shoyo was happy.

Kageyama had made him happy.

He felt like he was glowing all through practice, even though Yusuke kept throwing glares at him. Nothing could touch him. Nothing could ruin his mood.

And when practice ended, and Yusuke left the gym, Shoyo felt brave enough to approach Kei and ask him for a ride home.

“Your brother picks you up, right? I can’t ride my bike right now, and it’s kind of a long walk,” Shoyo explained.

“Sure. Akiteru doesn’t mind,” Kei agreed, “Don’t expect me to make conversation, though.”

“Thanks, Kei,” Shoyo smiled, “Go change, I’ll wait here.”

Alone. In the gym. Where Yusuke could easily find him and drag him off.

“Actually, you know, I think I’ll just come to the club room with you.”

-

True to his word, Kei had his headphones on, and didn’t say a word to Shoyo. But then, it would have been weird if he did. Akiteru made an effort to talk to him, but answering his questions were more awkward than the silence would have been. Shoyo was thankful when Kei cut in with a “Nii-chan, shut up already.”

Once they reached his house, Shoyo thanked Akiteru for the ride before heading inside. He called a greeting to his mom, and smiled when he heard Natsu’s shriek in response.

He completely forgot about his arm until he walked into the kitchen and his mom dropped her glass.

Oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending didnt turn out how i wanted it but i wanted to get this out lol


	13. 12- Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is the last straw. She’s obviously not gonna let you live your life without interfering, so just move in with me already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uHHHHH so this chapter took a turn. i don't know how it happened lol. there's a really squicky scene at the end, its not graphic but it involves non-consensual drug use and rape, so please be careful!
> 
> warnings: manipulation, underage drinking, non-consensual drug use, physical abuse, non-graphic rape

Hinata Ayumi was a calm, collected woman most of the time, but when it came to her children, she had the tendency to get… hysterical.

“Shoyo!” she practically screeched, “What happened to you?”

“Ahh, I fell down the stairs last night,” Shoyo told sheepishly, “I didn’t call you because I didn’t want you to worry.”

“You didn’t want me to worry?! Shoyo, I haven’t been doing anything _but_ worrying lately! I’ve barely seen you these past few months!” she shouted.

“Please calm down, mom,” Shoyo worriedly insisted, “You know I’ve been staying at Yusuke’s house a lot lately. He’s been pretty lonely since his parents moved to Hokkaido, and I’m just trying to be there for him.”

“Oh, don’t even get me started on that Kamachi boy!” she fumed.

“W-What do you mean?”

She sighed angrily, “I’m not an idiot! I see the way you look at him, like he’s everything to you, but I also see the way he looks at you!! He views you as an object, don’t you see?! He’s taking your life from you!”

“Shut up!!” Shoyo found himself screaming back at her, “You don’t know anything about it! Yusuke loves me!”

“No, he doesn’t!!”

“You don’t know that! He loves me!! Just because dad didn’t love you enough to stick around-” Shoyo stopped himself. He had gone too far, and he knew it. His mother let out a shocked gasp and took a step back, tears already collecting in her eyes.

“Nii-chan?”

Shoyo saw Natsu standing in the doorway, a scared expression on her face. Oh, no, no, _no, what had he done-_

He turned and ran.

-

“Shh, it’s okay, baby,” Yusuke murmured soothingly, stroking his hair as he sobbed against Yusuke’s shoulder.

“She looked so _scared,_ Yusuke. She was terrified of me,” Shoyo cried.

“It’s not your fault, babe. It’s your bitch mother’s for starting a fight,” Yusuke told firmly, “This is the last straw. She’s obviously not gonna let you live your life without interfering, so just move in with me already.”

“W-What?” Shoyo hiccupped, “Move in? Would- would your parents be okay with that?”

Yusuke snorted, “My parents gave me a credit card and fucked off to Hokkaido. They don’t care what I do, so long as I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Shoyo bit his lip, “I don’t know. I mean, it was a bad fight, but I still love my mom. And what about Natsu?”

“You need to understand something. I haven’t met a parent who genuinely cares for their kid, okay? Your mom doesn’t want you for you, she wants you for who she wants you to be,” Yusuke said, “If she really cared about you, that fight wouldn’t have even happened. As for Natsu, well, you can always visit her.”

“I still don’t know…” Shoyo trailed off, “Can I think about it?”

Yusuke frowned, “I guess, but don’t take too long. I’m not gonna wait forever. Let’s go to bed, and you can tell me tomorrow. I want to know at the end of practice.”

“Okay,” Shoyo agreed meekly, following Yusuke into the bedroom and sliding into bed. 

He wanted to say no. But it was the logical next step, right? They’d been together than more than a year, and they loved each other. It only made sense for them to live together.

Right?

But the more he thought about it, the more unsure he was. He wanted to go back and patch things up with his mom, but even the thought of facing her made his chest tighten.

_He’s taking your life away from you!_

He couldn’t go back there. He didn’t need a mother that didn’t support his relationship. 

_I saw you and Kamachi. I saw what he did to you, and I know that he broke your wrist._

He didn’t need friends, or even teammates, that didn’t support his relationship.

Yusuke was always there for him when he needed it the most, and Yusuke kept him in line. Kept him from doing anything stupid, or embarrassing himself.

Yusuke protected him.

“Yusuke?” he whispered.

“Hmm?” Yusuke responded sleepily.

“I’ll move in with you,” Shoyo told.

“That’s great, baby,” Yusuke mumbled happily, kissing him gently, “I’ll tell you what; I’ll skip school tomorrow, and while your mom’s at work, I’ll grab your stuff.”

“Okay, thank you!”

-

When it came time to leave for practice, Shoyo tried to wake Yusuke, but was shoved off.

“If I’m going to skip and get your shit, I’m not going to practice, dumbass,” Yusuke hissed angrily, pulling a pillow over his head, “Shut up and get out of here.”

Shoyo’s chest tightened, but he got ready and left without another word. 

-

Azumane wouldn’t stop looking at him.

Shoyo tried to ignore the ace’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t. Azumane’s expression was one of pity, and it made Shoyo angry. Azumane barely knew him; they were teammates, nothing more. What right did he have to meddle in a situation he didn’t understand?

Yusuke loved him. People kept insisting that he didn’t, but Shoyo knew better. He _knew_ that Yusuke loved him.

He scratched absentmindedly at the end of his cast. 

“Hinata-kun, Kamachi-kun is very late. Do you know where he is?” Takeda asked him, startling him out of his thoughts.

“Oh, he won’t be here today, he wasn’t feeling well when I left,” Shoyo lied smoothly. It really bothered him how easily the lie rolled off his lips. He wasn’t a liar, but he couldn’t tell a teacher that his boyfriend was cutting class.

“Hang on,” Tanaka interrupted, evidently listening to the conversation, “Hinata, you live with your boyfriend?”

“Yeah?” Shoyo answered nervously, “Is something wrong with that, Tanaka-senpai?”

“Of course nothing’s wrong with that,” Ennoshita said calmly, cutting off whatever Tanaka was about to say, “Tanaka’s just surprised that you’ve moved in together when you’re still in high school. Are you two living with Kamachi’s parents, or yours?”

Shoyo froze. He couldn’t lie, but the look on Takeda’s face was enough to make him bite his tongue. He knew that Yusuke’s arrangement with his parents wasn’t really legal, and if he said something in front of Takeda, Yusuke would get in trouble. 

And Shoyo would be blamed, and punished.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter, so long as you two are happy,” Ennoshita said finally, looking at him with an unrecognizable expression.

“We are.”

-

“Hey, Bakageyama,” Shoyo whispered loudly, poking the setter with his foot.

“What do you want,” Kageyama sighed, dutifully taking notes.

“Let’s eat lunch together,” Shoyo suggested.

“Why? You always go off on your own during lunch,” Kageyama questioned, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Shoyo huffed.

“I wasn’t saying no, dumbass. Of course I’ll eat lunch with you.”

So, when the teacher dismissed them for lunch, Shoyo dragged Kageyama up to the roof.

“You know, I really like it up here,” Shoyo commented, “See, you can see everyone eating outside from here, right? It kinda feels like I’m spying on them.”

“Is this where you always go for lunch?” Kageyama asked.

“Ah, no, usually I’m either with Yusuke or-”

_Hyperventilating in the bathroom._

“Tsukishima.”

“I hate that guy,” Kageyama said bluntly, “He’s such an asshole.”

“Not always,” Shoyo argued, “He’s actually kinda nice when you get to know him.”

Kageyama scoffed, but dropped the point. He picked up his bento and started eating. 

“Where’s your lunch?” Kageyama asked him after a moment.

“Oh, I forgot to bring one,” Shoyo laughed, “Don’t worry, I’m not hungry.”

_That’s a lie._

“Why not buy food, then?”

“I forgot my card, too.”

Kageyama scooted closer to him, “Share mine.”

“No, you don’t have to-”

“It wasn’t a question, dumbass Hinata. Eat,” Kageyama insisted.

Shoyo hesitated, but begrudgingly accepted Kageyama’s spare chopsticks and took a small bite.

-

“Do you want my brother to drive you home again?” Tsukishima offered.

“Ah, no thanks, it’s probably faster to walk,” Shoyo declined.

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, “Over a mountain?”

“Oh, no, I’m actually not living there anymore,” Shoyo told carefully.

Tsukishima gave him a strange look, but dropped the issue, heading to the club room.

Shoyo started walking.

“Oi, dumbass!”

He turned to see Kageyama jogging after him.

“I didn’t know you walked this way,” the setter said, slightly out of breath.

“Yeah, I’m usually a bit later,” Shoyo told, “Do you live around here?”

Kageyama nodded, “In that apartment building down the hill.”

Shoyo felt sick, “That’s so weird, that’s where I live too!”

“Really?” Kageyama said, “That’s funny, I’ve never seen you.”

“We must just miss each other,” Shoyo laughed, but it sounded fake.

“What floor are you on? I’m on the fourth floor, but it’s annoying. Someone’s always screaming in the apartment next to mine,” Kageyama complained.

Shoyo went white. His lungs seized up, and he bit his lip. No, no, no, nono _no_

“I’m also on the fourth floor,” he managed to say, “I’ve heard that person too. It’s so annoying, especially late at night when I’m trying to sleep.”

Kageyama could never know.

He could never know that, while Shoyo pretended to keep walking, he backtracked the second Kageyama was gone. He lived next door to Kageyama, and Yusuke was the person who was always screaming.

And Kageyama could _never know._

“I’m home, Yusuke,” Shoyo called out anxiously.

“In the kitchen,” Yusuke called back. His voice was unsteady, and his words were slurred together; Shoyo knew it would be a rough night.

Yusuke was sitting on the kitchen counter, drinking from a bottle half-full of golden liquid.

“Heyyy, baby. How was school?” Yusuke asked; he was obviously drunk, which was a bad sign. He never drank at home.

“It was okay,” Shoyo responded cautiously.

“Good, good! I got your shit. Well, most of it. I had to get rid of some stuff, we don’t have enough space,” Yusuke told.

“That’s fine,” Shoyo smiled, hiding the unbridled despair coursing through him. What did Yusuke get rid of? He really, _really_ cared about some of that stuff. He couldn’t say anything, though, especially not with Yusuke like this. 

When Yusuke was drunk, it was like walking through a minefield. One small misstep and he’ll explode. That was why Yusuke never drank at home; he didn’t want to lose control. Last time, Shoyo made the mistake of complaining about Yusuke’s smoking inside.

He had needed seven stitches.

“Sso, I noticed that you haven’t been into it lately when we fuck,” Yusuke slurred, “So I got this shit off one of my friends.”

He produced a small bottle from his pocket.

“What is that?” Shoyo demanded nervously, “Yusuke, I’m not taking drugs.”

Yusuke’s drunken smile turned lecherous, “You gonna fight back, babe? We both know how that ends.”

“Yusuke, this is too far. I’m not taking drugs,” Shoyo insisted angrily.

Yusuke crossed the kitchen in two steps and roughly grabbed his jaw. Shoyo winced at how hard his nails were digging in; Yusuke had no restraint when he was drunk. Holding him there, Yusuke uncorked the bottle with his teeth, and forcibly held it under Shoyo’s nose. 

Shoyo tried his best not to inhale, but failed. Of course he failed.

The drug took effect almost immediately, and Shoyo was gone.

-

When Shoyo woke up on Monday morning, he didn’t remember most of the weekend. He knew he had been drugged a few more times, and Yusuke had taken something as well. As he struggled to stand up, he winced; the pain in his hips was almost unbearable. He dragged himself into the bathroom, and gasped when he saw his reflection. His face was pale, and there were prominent circles under his eyes. Looking down his form, he took note of the dark bruises on his shoulders and hips, the numerous hickeys starting on his neck and going all down his chest, and the violent red scratches on his back and thighs.

He was a fucking mess. How else would he look, after going on a weekend-long bender?

Shoyo closed his eyes, fighting back tears. He hurt in so many places, he couldn’t even count, but there was only one thing on his mind.

_How the hell am I going to lie my way out of this one?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry
> 
> also im thinking this is gonna have around 25 chaps when finished :)
> 
> come chat with my on tumblr! main blog @semishiraten, writing blog @madness-fuels-creativity


	14. 13- Support

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “After everything I’ve done for you,” Yusuke whispered, voice shaking. It looked like he was about to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet you weren't expecting this one ;) its a bit shorter than usual but like, two updates in a week, so it balances out
> 
> in this chapter, things are starting to change :) there's still a while until it gets better, but it's a start  
> ALSO background ennotana bc i love ennotana
> 
> warnings: violence, physical abuse, verbal abuse, death threats (aaAAH), anxiety attacks

“Hey, Hinata! Can we decorate your cast?” Noya asked him excitedly as they waited for Daichi to get there and start practice.

“Oh, sure, Noya-senpai!” Shoyo agreed easily, “I don’t have any pens, though.”

“We’ve got you covered, bud!” Tanaka proclaimed, producing a handful of colourful pens. As the two drew all over his cast, it caught the attention of the rest of the team, and before long, everyone had signed his cast, at the minimum. Tanaka and Noya had covered the white plaster with large, bright drawings.

It hurt less to look at it now.

“Daichi’s here!” Suga announced, dragging the tired-looking captain into the gym.

“No, ‘m not,” Daichi protested.

“You never change, Daichi,” Azumane laughed fondly.

“Shut up, you wimp.”

Daichi slugged him in the shoulder, and Shoyo flinched. He knew this was normal behavior for them, that it was their way of showing affection. It was fine, Azumane didn’t mind.

But Shoyo couldn’t see it that way. He couldn’t see any violence that way. He saw himself getting slammed into walls or beaten down on a school rooftop.

He saw Yusuke looming over him.

“I have to go,” he squeaked out before running from the gym.

He didn’t watch where he was going, he just let his feet carry him away.

That was a mistake.

He slammed into somebody at full tilt, and hit the ground hard.

“What the fuck was that, Shoyo.”

He looked up to see Yusuke on the ground in front of him, rubbing the back of his head and glaring angrily at him.

“Yusuke! I really didn’t mean to, I wasn’t looking where I was going!” Shoyo insisted, already on the verge of tears, “I’m sorry!”

“Sure you are,” Yusuke sneered, getting to his feet and stalking over, grabbing Shoyo’s hair and wrenching his head back hard, “You’re so fucking _worthless_ , aren’t you? You can’t do anything right. It’s a miracle I put up with you.”

Something flared up inside of Shoyo, and he yelled without thinking, “Put up with me? Yusuke, it’s me who puts up with you! You’re a piece of shit! Fuck, you drugged me for an entire weekend! I can’t even remember what happened!”

Yusuke looked stunned for a second, then laughed cruelly, “Baby, you had the best sex of your life. Does it really matter how it happened?”

“Of course it matters!” Shoyo insisted.

“Aren’t you being a brat today,” Yusuke commented irritably, tugging harder on Shoyo’s hair, “I don’t know why I haven’t dumped you yet. You’re a pathetic little bitch, you know.”

Without thinking, Shoyo spat, “If that’s what you think, maybe we _should_ break up.” 

A hurt expression flickered across Yusuke’s face.

“After everything I’ve done for you,” Yusuke whispered, voice shaking. It looked like he was about to cry. Letting Shoyo go, he started to walk away.

“Yusuke, wait!” Shoyo called after him. 

“I can’t do this right now, Shoyo,” Yusuke tossed over his shoulder, “I- you hurt me. I can’t believe you’d want to break up with me.”

“I didn’t mean it-”

“Don’t bother coming home tonight. I don’t want to see you.”

Those words hurt more than any insult Yusuke had thrown at him. As Yusuke walked away without looking back, Shoyo buried his face in his arms and sobbed.

-

“Hinata?”

He raised his head, and through bleary eyes, he saw Ennoshita approaching him.

“Hey, senpai,” he greeted dully.

“How long have you been here? Everyone was worried after you ran out of practice,” Ennoshita told.

“I don’t know how long it’s been” Shoyo informed, voice still flat and dull, “Have you seen Yusuke?”

“Kamachi? He was at practice, but he left right away.”

“Of course he did,” Shoyo muttered, looking down. He felt so, so _numb._

“Did something happen?” Ennoshita asked carefully.

“We had a fight. He doesn’t want to see me,” Shoyo monotoned, still staring at the ground. He hadn’t felt this low in awhile.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Fights happen.” Ennoshita’s voice was soothing as he slid down the wall, settling next to Shoyo.

“How can you know that?”

“You feel really numb right now, right? You know you should be sad, or worried, but you can’t feel anything. Am I right?” Ennoshita asked.

“Y-Yeah,” Shoyo confirmed, “How did you-”

“I have depression, and it gets really bad sometimes. Last year, Ryuu and I had a fight because of it, and I broke up with him,” Ennoshita revealed, “It made me feel completely detached from the world. I dropped out of volleyball, and I started cutting class. It- it was bad. But eventually, I talked to him, and it made all the difference in the world. We made up, and I could feel again.”

“I can’t talk to him, though. He doesn’t even want to see me,” Shoyo said sadly, “I can’t even call him, since my phone’s at his place. Fuck, I don’t even have somewhere to stay tonight!”

“You’re staying with me,” Ennoshita told firmly, “And before practice tomorrow, you can pull him aside and talk. Everything will be okay, I promise.”

That pushed him over the edge. He started to sob again, burying his face in Ennoshita’s shoulder.

“Thank you, senpai,” he whispered.

“Don’t even mention it. I’m just here to support you in the only way that I can.”

-

Shoyo stood outside of the gym, waiting for Yusuke. Him and Ennoshita had talked a lot more, and he felt ready to patch things up with Yusuke. The last thing he wanted was for the breakup to be permanent.

Practice had started by the time Yusuke showed up, casually smoking a cigarette. Shoyo wrinkled his nose; he hated it when Yusuke smoked, but he wasn’t going to say anything.

“Yusuke, can we talk?” he asked simply.

Yusuke didn’t respond; he grabbed Shoyo’s uninjured wrist and dragged him behind the gym.

“I hope you’re about to apologize for the way you treated me yesterday,” Yusuke told, a cold rage clearly present in his eyes.

“I- I am. Yusuke, I don’t know what happened to me yesterday, but I swear, I didn’t mean any of it. I’m so, so sorry,” Shoyo apologized, “The last thing I want is for us to break up.”

“You know, after my parents left, I started getting angry,” Yusuke commented, taking a long drag from his cigarette, “It was only a couple weeks before I started bugging you back at Yukigaoka. They fucking abandoned me, and yesterday, you did the same thing. I was so _scared,_ Sho! Everyone always, _always_ leaves me, and I can’t handle it if you do, too.”

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea that your parents still bothered you that much,” Shoyo insisted, “I promise you, I didn’t mean anything I said. I love you.”

Without warning, Yusuke grabbed his uninjured wrist, yanking the sleeve up, and-

Pressed his still-lit cigarette to Shoyo’s flesh.

It took everything in him not to cry out at the burning pain. When Yusuke dropped his arm, there was an obvious circular burn on his skin.

“I-” he took a deep breath, “I deserved that, for causing you so much pain, didn’t I? I deserve more than that. You’ll punish me more at home later, won’t you?”

“Now you’re getting it,” Yusuke smiled, pulling Shoyo into a hug

“I love you,” Shoyo breathed.

“I love you too, babe,” Yusuke whispered in his ear, “If you ever even think about leaving me again, I’ll kill you.”

Shoyo pulled back and looked into Yusuke’s eyes in terror. He meant it.

Yusuke would actually kill him.

-

“Hey, Tsukki, Hinata’s here,” Tadashi observed. Tsukki removed his headphones immediately and got up from his desk, leaving Tadashi to scramble after him.

“Hey, guys,” Hinata greeted weakly, “Can we go somewhere quiet?”

Tadashi took a quick look around; Kamachi was nowhere to be seen, but that didn’t mean anything. He could be anywhere.

“Third-floor bathroom?” Tadashi whispered to Tsukki, who gave the slightest nod to show that he heard.

Caution was everything in this situation. They all knew it.

Tsukki led the way to where Tadashi had suggested, the bathroom on the third-year floor. Kamachi wouldn’t look for them there.

“What’s wrong, Hinata?” Tadashi asked as soon as they were alone.

“He-” Hinata started, but choked on his words, “Fuck, I can’t- _breathe-_

Hinata’s knees buckled, and immediately, Tsukki caught him, carefully lowering him to the ground with comforting arms around him.

“Just breathe, Hinata,” Tadashi urged, “In and out, in and out.”

Hinata took a few shaky, shuddering breaths before forcing himself to speak, “It’s- it’s Yusuke, it’s really bad this time. He- well, you probably already know, but he’s-”

He cut himself off, choking on the words again.

“He isn’t a good person. You don’t have to say it, Hinata, of course we know,” Tadashi told, keeping his voice even and calming, “It isn’t your fault, okay?”

Hinata looked into his eyes, “Tadashi, he threatened to kill me.”

Tadashi felt like the world had just imploded around him. 

Tsukki’s voice was full of fury, “That asshole is dead.”

“No!” Hinata protested, “You can’t do anything. He- he can’t know that you guys know, ever!”

“Hinata, you’re not- you can’t stay with him,” Tadashi said worriedly.

“I love him,” Hinata insisted, “He’s cruel, but I can’t stop myself from loving him. Besides, I live with him now. I have nowhere else to go.”

“That bastard is going to kill you, Hinata. You can stay with me, but you can’t go back there,” Tsukki told.

“No. No, I have to go back. I love him,” Hinata repeated, “Even if I didn’t, the Inter-High’s coming up, and we need him. He’s an amazing player. If we want to go to Nationals, we need him on our side.”

“To hell with Nationals! It’s just a club,” Tsukki growled, “This is your _life_.”

“Tsukki, calm down,” Tadashi warned, “Shoyo, we aren’t trying to attack you. We just care about you, a lot, and if anything happens to you, I’ll blame myself.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Hinata insisted, “I love him.”

“We can listen,” Tadashi offered, “Talk to us about it. All of it, from the start. I promise you, we’ll listen, and never judge.”

“First, promise me something,” Tsukki interrupted, “If you’re ever afraid for your life, you get out of there, and you call me. I’ll protect you. Deal?”

“Okay,” Hinata agreed hesitantly before beginning, “It started in my second year of junior high…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	15. 14- Careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn’t find it in him to be excited. He was too busy worrying about Yusuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, here you go!
> 
>  
> 
> ~~i finished like 75% of this doing sprints in the hqbb discord thanks for motivating me loves~~
> 
>  
> 
> warnings: a whole lotta violence and abuse, eating disorder, death threats (bit more lowkey than last time), brief homophobic language

Something was wrong with Yusuke.

Shoyo chewed on his lip as he meekly followed his abnormally-silent boyfriend into the hospital. It was finally time for his cast to come off. Not playing volleyball for two weeks had been hard, but he would finally be able to play again.

He couldn’t find it in him to be excited. He was too busy worrying about Yusuke. He had been off for the last week or so, ever since the day Shoyo had opened up to Kei and Tadashi. He wondered for the hundredth time if Yusuke could have heard their conversation, but dismissed the thought. They had been careful. There was no way Yusuke could have heard.

The wait at the hospital was extremely long. They were running behind, and Shoyo’s appointment was pushed back almost two hours.

“This is ridiculous,” Yusuke commented disgustedly, “I’m not waiting around for two hours, Shoyo.”

“There’s nothing I can do about it, Yusuke,” Shoyo responded, “I need to get the cast off today, so we just have to wait.”

“I don’t have to wait,” Yusuke denied, “See you at home.”

He got up and started walking away.

“Wait- Yusuke! I can’t pay if you leave,” Shoyo called after him.

Yusuke scoffed irritably, but dug into his pocket and gave Shoyo his card.

“I better not see any extra charges on there. You pay for what you need here, nothing else,” Yusuke warned.

Without another word, Yusuke walked away, leaving Shoyo alone to wait for his appointment.

He waited in silence, gently scuffing his shoes against the ground. About an hour into his bored fidgeting, his phone vibrated in his pocket. At least Yusuke had left him his phone.

 **From: Tsukishima**  
**To: the small giant**  
**Subject: [none]**  
Good?

Shoyo smiled fondly. Kei had taken to periodically checking up on him. It was annoying to constantly delete the emails to prevent Yusuke from seeing, but it meant a lot to him.

 **From: the small giant**  
**To: Tsukishima**  
**Subject: [none]**  
good! getting my cast off in about an hour!!!! waiting alone since he took off lol

 **From: Tsukishima**  
**To: the small giant**  
**Subject: [none]**  
What an asshole. Hospitals are shit alone.

 **From: the small giant**  
**To: Tsukishima**  
**Subject: dont be so vulgar!!!!!**  
better than him being here….. somethings wrong and im kinda afraid

 **From: Tsukishima**  
**To: the small giant**  
**Subject: Make me.**  
If anything happens call me immediately. I’ll pick you up. You should stay with me tonight.

 **From: the small giant**  
**To: Tsukishima**  
**Subject: ill fight u tallshima!!!!**  
no im fine!!! ill tell u if anything happens

 **From: Tsukishima**  
**To: the small giant**  
**Subject: Re: ill fight u tallshima!!!!**  
Be careful.

Shoyo smiled fondly down at his phone. Kei was always so supportive, yet he didn’t push it. He didn’t try to force Shoyo to leave Yusuke; he was simply there for him. 

“Hinata Shoyo?”

His name was called out by a nurse, and he sprung to his feet. Finally, time to get the stupid cast off!

-

After paying with Yusuke’s card, Shoyo practically skipped out of the doors, elated to have use of his arm again. It didn’t even hurt any more, and he would be able to play in the Inter-High! 

The doctor didn’t recommend playing, but Shoyo’s spiking arm was fine, and as long as he took it easy during practice, he’d be perfectly fine for the Inter-High.

As he walked through the town and passed a few shops and vendors, his stomach started to complain. How long had it been since he had last eaten? 

He couldn’t remember.

Shoyo bit his lip, contemplating. He could just buy a meat bun. He was starving, and he really wanted a meat bun. But he had Yusuke’s card, and if Yusuke noticed the transaction, Shoyo would be in a lot of trouble.

But he was starving, so he caved and risked it. He chomped on the meat bun as he got closer to home. He had this _feeling_ in his chest, a heavy sense of foreboding. He felt like something bad was going to happen. Maybe it was just guilt, for buying the meat bun?”

_I’ll kill you._

As Shoyo walked up the stairs towards the apartment, he realized that he was terrified. This was bad. He was absolutely petrified of what Yusuke would do to him for disobeying.

Yusuke might kill him.

Shoyo hesitated on the last step. Kei said that… if Shoyo ever feared for his life, he should call him. He considered it for a solid minute.

 

But he couldn’t. He loved Yusuke.

If he didn’t want anything to happen, he wouldn’t have disobeyed Yusuke. He would have listened. He would have used Yusuke’s card at the hospital, and not bought food. He was- he was greedy, he was fat, and he deserved what he was about to get. 

As Shoyo opened the door to the apartment, he heard the next door over swing open, but didn’t realize what that meant at first.

“Hinata?”

Shoyo turned to see Kageyama staring at him, confused. Kageyama saw him going into Yusuke’s place, Kageyama _knew-_

He bolted inside and slammed the door behind him, breathing heavily. 

“Shoyo! Fucking finally. Get in here,” Yusuke shouted from the bedroom.

The heaviness in his chest didn’t dissipate; rather, it grew stronger as he entered the room to see Yusuke with his laptop open, a cruel scowl on his face.

“I thought I told you to use my card for the hospital, and nothing else,” Yusuke said angrily, “So why, when I look at my transaction history, do I see a charge for- what was it? Food? Get _hungry_ on your way home, you fatass?”

_I’ll kill you._

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo mumbled, staring at the floor, “I was just so hungry-”

“I don’t give a shit!” Yusuke interrupted, “I do give a shit about you disobeying me. Give me your fucking phone.”

Shoyo obediently passed the device over, only remembering once it was in Yusuke’s hand that he had forgotten to erase the emails from Kei.

Shoyo’s chest seized up as Yusuke went through his emails, the scowl becoming more pronounced every second. He was going to have a panic attack, he could feel it-

“Tsukishima Kei,” Yusuke said in a mocking voice, “You’ve told him all of our secrets, haven’t you, Sho-chan?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about, Yusuke, I swear I haven’t” Shoyo desperately denied.

“Don’t play fucking dumb with me, Shoyo. Did you really think you could hide it from me?” Yusuke laughed cruelly, “The third-floor bathroom? Give me a break.”

“Y-You-”

“No! Shut the fuck up and listen to me for once, _dear,”_ Yusuke cut off, “You’ve been disobeying me. Spending my money on useless shit. Claiming that I fucking abuse you when I’ve given you everything!!”

Yusuke’s hand found Shoyo’s throat, crushing his windpipe in a grip like steel.

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo choked out.

“Sorry isn’t fucking good enough anymore!” Yusuke roared, the calm cold gone, replaced with a burning rage. Yusuke lifted Shoyo by the throat and slammed him mercilessly against the wall. Shoyo clawed at Yusuke’s unrelenting hand around his throat.

_I’ll kill you._

This was it. Yusuke’s eyes were merciless as he strangled Shoyo. He was going to kill him. 

“Please,” Shoyo rasped, crying now. He was going to die. He was going to die, Yusuke was going to kill him-

And somehow, a part of him still believed that he deserved it. 

He was going to die loving Yusuke, and somehow, he was okay with that.

At the last moment, as Shoyo’s eyes started to roll up into his skull, Yusuke released him, carelessly throwing him to the ground. Shoyo desperately gasped for air, choking and coughing.

“Have you learned your lesson, baby?” Yusuke asked, planting a foot on his side.

“Yes,” Shoyo responded quietly, voice rough and broken.

“Good.” Yusuke responded, kicking him forcefully, “I don’t want to see you talking to Tsukishima or that fag who follows him around. Yama-whatever.”

“I won’t talk to them anymore,” Shoyo agreed, refusing to meet Yusuke’s eyes.

“No more disobeying. Next time, I won’t stop,” Yusuke warned, “Now get on the bed. I’m not done with you yet.”

-

Shoyo didn’t go to school the next day. The bruises dark around his neck couldn’t be explained away, and there was a suffocating darkness to his thoughts. 

He didn’t even leave bed. His throat and hips ached like hell, and he couldn’t muster up the motivation to even sit up. 

Tsukishima emailed him several times, and he deleted them all without opening them. Tsukishima’s friendship wasn’t worth another night like that.

Nothing was worth another night like that.

Shoyo had no idea what time it was when the doorbell rang. He forced himself to stand up, to answer it- what if Yusuke had forgotten his keys? He would be in a lot of trouble if Yusuke was locked out.

He dragged himself to the door, and wrenched it open. His greeting died in his throat as his eyes met Kageyama’s.

“Hinata, are you okay?” Kageyama demanded, clearly staring at the bruises around his neck, “I- I heard a lot of shouting last night, and you weren’t at school tonight.”

“I’m fine,” Shoyo insisted, “You need to go.”

“Why?” Kageyama asked.

“I- Yusuke, he doesn’t like it when people are here. If he comes home, and you’re here-” Shoyo cut himself off.

“What will happen?” Kageyama asked, his tone taking on a sad undertone.

“It doesn’t matter,” Shoyo insisted coldly, “Just get out of here.”

“Hinata, please let me help you,” Kageyama requested.

“I don’t need your help or your pity,” Shoyo declined, “Just- go away already. I don’t want to see you.”

It broke his heart to shove Kageyama away like this, but it was necessary. Yusuke had- had almost killed him over Tsukishima, it would be even worse if he found Kageyama here. Kageyama, whom he had already accused Shoyo of cheating on him with.

_Next time, I won’t stop._

Kageyama couldn’t be there.

“Why are you still here?” Shoyo demanded angrily, “Go away! Just fuck off already!”

He tried to slam the door, but Kageyama caught it with his foot.

“I don’t understand why you let this happen,” Kageyama told quietly, “I want to help you. Tadashi and Stupidshima want to help you, and if our senpai knew what was going on, they’d want to help you too.”

“I don’t need help from anyone,” Shoyo spat, feeling the venom in his voice. He hated it. He absolutely hated how toxic his words were becoming. He couldn’t stand to push Kageyama away like this.

_**I believe in you.** _

He wanted more than anything to open up to Kageyama, to start sobbing in his arms, to accept his offers of help. 

To rekindle feelings he had buried.

_I’ll kill you._

But he couldn’t.

“Hinata, please-”

“Shut up!” Shoyo yelled, “You don’t know shit, okay? You don’t know jack shit! I don’t need your help! The only thing wrong here is your foot blocking my door.”

He roughly shoved Kageyama backwards, knocking the unsuspecting setter far enough backwards to slam the door shut and lock it. The second the door shut, Shoyo fell to his knees and started to sob.

-

Everything went back to normal after that Shoyo practiced hard, while being mindful of his arm. He ignored Tsukishima and Yamaguchi; Kageyama didn’t even try to talk to him. Yusuke dragged him off every lunchtime.

He was down to eating one small meal every two or three days. He felt his strength fading, but he knew he was getting thinner. Yusuke was happy about that.

As the Inter-High grew closer with each passing day, Shoyo grew more and more anxious. Ukai had yet to name a starting setter, and Shoyo knew that if Yusuke was not chosen, he would be blamed somehow, and he would be punished severely.

Yusuke didn’t even like volleyball, not really.

-

Ukai waited until the day before the Inter-High to finally decide on a starting setter, and the results shocked the entire team.

“We have a lot of talented setters on the team, between Sugawara, Kinoshita, Kageyama, and Kamachi,” Ukai explained, “I want to take full advantage of that talent, which is why I’ll be alternating setters. The first game, we’ll be playing Kamachi for the first set and Sugawara for the second.”

“But what about the freak quick?!” Tanaka demanded, “That’s our signature move!”

“I want to keep the other teams from getting too used to that quick,” Ukai told, “We don’t want them keeping up with us, like Nekoma started to. Kageyama will be playing, but I want to keep it mixed up. Now, go home, eat a decent meal, and get a good night’s sleep before the game tomorrow!”

Shoyo smiled sadly at the thought.

_Those are two things I haven’t gotten in a long time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	16. 15- Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He took a deep, shuddering breath. He did have a choice. All along, there was a choice, he was just afraid of the consequences. He was terrified of what Yusuke would do to him, but now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what it hasnt been more than a month dont look at me like that
> 
> a bit shorter than usual, but it was a good place to end it so /shrug/
> 
> warnings: physical and mental abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, death threats, violence

Shoyo yawned, following Yusuke onto the bus. He really hadn’t slept well, and he hadn’t eaten. He was feeling really weak, and was worried about what would happen at the Inter-High. He would have to play the first set with Yusuke as setter, and that scared him. 

Yusuke didn’t care about winning, and if he decided to make Shoyo look bad, he would have no problem throwing the game.

And Shoyo would have no choice but to let it be blamed on him.

The bus ride was eerily quiet; everyone was either asleep or too nervous to make conversation. Shoyo felt his eyelids drooping, and allowed himself to lean on Yusuke’s shoulder.

-

Shoyo could see surprise and relief in the eyes of the other team’s captain when Kageyama took his place in the warmup area, and Yusuke walked onto the court. They were clearly underestimating him; if the King of the Court wasn’t playing, maybe they had a chance.

Shoyo grinned; they were stupid to underestimate Karasuno. The team, as a whole, was strong. Even without Kageyama, they could win.

-

This was proven by back-to-back straight set wins against both Tokonami and Datekou. When the Iron Wall got used to Yusuke’s sets, Ukai had put Kageyama in, introducing a whole new element with the freak quick. 

Ahead of them was Seijoh, and Shiratorizawa, and nationals. They could do it. They could go all the way with this team.

It would be selfish of Shoyo to ruin that.

-

As soon as they got home, Shoyo made a beeline for the kitchen, hoping that Yusuke was in a good mood. He was lightheaded from the lack of food, and desperately needed to eat something.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Yusuke demanded, following him.

“I- I’m so hungry, Yusuke, I need to eat something,” Shoyo pleaded.

“I don’t think so, you fatass,” Yusuke wrinkled his nose, “You’re disgusting. I can barely stand to look at you. Do you really want to make that worse?”

“No,” Shoyo mumbled. Yusuke smirked, lightly grabbing Shoyo’s jaw.

“I wanna hear you say it,” Yusuke told, “Tell me you’re a disgusting fatass. Tell me you don’t deserve to eat.”

“I’m a disgusting fatass and I don’t deserve to eat,” Shoyo repeated dutifully, dully. He looked down, scratching at the still-healing burns on his wrist.

“You better remember that. You’re a depressed little piece of shit,” Yusuke snarled, grabbing his wrist and pressing _hard,_ causing him to yelp, “Did you think I wouldn’t notice babe? You think I wouldn’t notice how empty you always are? You’re fucking pathetic.”

Shoyo couldn’t find his voice, eyes glued to the floor as Yusuke tore him apart.

“I know about your little panic attacks, too,” Yusuke continued, releasing him and digging into his pocket, “Tsukishima fucking Kei, right? God, you’re so worthless, you can’t even make it through a day without flipping shit.”

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo choked out.

“I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, you little fag. You’re fucked up; so am I,” Yusuke told, pressing a lighter into his hand, “Embrace it. Go fucking burn yourself, you emo fuck.”

Yusuke gave him a hard shove backwards, slamming him against the table, and left.

He left Shoyo there, alone with a lighter and a sea of negative thoughts.

_Fucking pathetic._

Yusuke was gone. He could eat something, he could get a good night’s sleep-

_God, you’re so worthless._

Shoyo didn’t register his knees giving out, or hitting the floor; he didn’t remember balancing the lighter against his arm; he wasn’t in control of himself as he flicked the lighter on and reveled in the white-hot pain of melting flesh.

-

Shoyo felt someone’s eyes on him. He _felt_ the stare, but every time he turned around, no one was looking at him. It was starting to freak him out.

He scratched at his wrist.

“Hinata-kun, are you okay?” Takeda asked him suddenly, startling him, “The warmup’s starting.”

Shoyo blinked, “Ahh, sorry, sensei! I spaced out! I’m fine.”

“What happened to your wrist? It looks painful,” Takeda asked worriedly, “You should get Shimizu-san to wrap it.”

Shoyo shook his head, “It’s nothing, just a run-in with a stove. I’ll be fine, thanks!”

He jogged away, joining his team for the warmup. While they were running laps, a stray ball rolled towards him from the other side of the court, and he stopped to grab it.

“This yours?” he called to the nearest player, a scary-looking dude with a bleach-blond buzz cut and angry eyes. Huh. He hadn’t been at the practice match.

The guy didn’t say a word, just nodding. Shoyo frowned slightly, but gently tossed him the ball. Rejoining his team, he cast a quick glance over his shoulder at the guy. Something about him felt off to Shoyo.

He was making weird hand movements at their second setter, who was making them back. Was that- sign language? 

Well, that would explain why he hadn’t said anything.

-

Shoyo was exhausted. It was the third set. They were deuced again at 34 points each. Everyone from both teams was clearly exhausted. As Shoyo watched, Kageyama’s serve was cleanly received by their libero.

_Where will Oikawa send the ball?_

The ball went up to their ace. Noya was there to receive it, sending it up perfectly. Shoyo ran for the net. He closed his eyes and jumped, and-

He scored.

They were at match point again. He was running on fumes. They all were.

Kageyama served again. Their ace was able to receive it, but it was coming back over. 

“Chance ball!” Noya called, sending it up perfectly. Shoyo met Kageyama’s eyes, feeling that spark of connection.

The ball was going to him.

He closed his eyes and jumped, and swung-

At empty air.

When he opened his eyes, everything looked like it was in slow motion. He could see three blockers in front of him. The Grand King was shouting something, trying to move into position to receive as Asahi spiked, free from the blockers.

The ball hit the ground, and Shoyo grinned.

They had done it.

**Final Score: 34-36**

-

Shoyo was giddy with excitement as the team walked together, whooping and celebrating. Nothing could bring him down right now.

But then, nails were digging into his wrist and a voice hissed in his ear.

“You played like shit. See you at home, _babe.”_

Shoyo stopped walking, and Yusuke sauntered away, leaving the team behind. This was- it was too much. They were playing Shiratorizawa tomorrow, it was the finals, they would need every ounce of strength-

And Yusuke was angry. Shoyo would get hurt tonight, and he couldn’t afford to get hurt.

He didn’t have a choice.

His chest was tight he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t _breathe-_

_**The estimated age of maturity of the lucifer dogfish is 13 years, and the oldest one observed was 14 years. It has a surprisingly late age of maturity, and many of them will not live to their age of maturity. The average length at maturity is 41 centimetres.** _

He took a deep, shuddering breath. He did have a choice. All along, there was a choice, he was just afraid of the consequences. He was terrified of what Yusuke would do to him, but now?

_I’ll kill you._

He was just so tired. He couldn’t bring himself to care about the consequences.

He was just so tired.

_**I believe in you.** _

Maybe that would be enough.

“Can we stop for a minute? I need to tell you all something,” Shoyo said, feeling brave. 

“Course, Hinata. What’s wrong?” Daichi asked.

“Nothing. And everything,” Shoyo laughed, “Sorry. It’s hard for me to say it, even now.”

He took a deep breath, “Some of you already know this, but Yusuke is- he’s not a nice person, or even a good one. He ab- _fuck,_ he’s abusive.”

Silence. Daichi stared at him, an unreadable look in his eyes.

“All the times you’ve come to school injured? And your broken wrist? It was all him?” Daichi asked calmly.

Shoyo nodded miserably, “I can’t do it any more. I haven’t eaten in days. And he- he’s mad, says I played like shit today. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen tonight.”

Daichi didn’t listen to another word, stomping off after Yusuke. Shoyo gasped, running after them. Daichi caught up with Yusuke, grabbing his shoulder. Yusuke turned around and-

Daichi punched him.

“No!” Shoyo _screamed._ Daichi knocked Yusuke to the ground, pinning him down, and started repeatedly punching him. Shoyo tried to shove him off, but someone pulled him back. 

“It’s okay, Hinata,” Tsukishima murmured softly, “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Yusuke’s face was bloody, and one of his eyes was swollen shut. As Shoyo watched powerlessly, Yusuke met his gaze.

Shoyo could see the fury in his eyes and knew that this was the end.

Yusuke was going to kill him that night.

Ukai managed to pull Daichi off of Yusuke, leaving the first-year coughing on the ground. A tournament official was shouting at Ukai, flipping open a cell phone.

“You’re disqualified!”

Disqualified.

_Disqualified._

They weren’t going to play Shiratorizawa. They weren’t going to nationals. Their road ended here.

All because of him. 

And he started to sob.

-

The ride back to the gym was eerily silent. No one said a word the whole time, not until the team was back at the school, safe inside their gym.

“I’m sorry.”

Shoyo blinked, looking at Ennoshita, whose hands were in fists, trembling.

“For what, Ennoshita-san?” Shoyo asked.

“I told you to go back to him,” Ennoshita elaborating, “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Shoyo told firmly, “None of you should apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

“I should.”

Those two words came from the person Shoyo was least expecting to speak up.

“I knew, and I did nothing,” Kageyama continued, “I let you push me away. Hinata, I’m sorry.”

Shoyo could only gape for a moment before snapping out of it, “Aww, Kageyama-kun apologized to me! That’s never happened!”

“Shut up, dumbass,” Kageyama snapped, but a fond smile flickered across his face.

_What a fucking dumbass._

But somehow, Shoyo’s chest didn’t clench, nor did his limbs turn to lead. Instead, his eyes met Kageyama’s and he smiled, and then laughed. Happily. Freely.

**_I believe in you._ **

And for a second, there in the gym with a team that cared about him, he believed in himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Hit me up on tumblr!](https://semishiraten.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> ~~kyoutani was mentioned for a reason i swear~~


	17. 16- Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoyo felt safe for the first time in nearly two years.
> 
> He was safe.
> 
>  
> 
> _As long as I’m beside you, you're invincible._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first: i am truly very sorry for the hiatus. i had a lot of ups and downs in my personal life over the past few months, and i simply didn't have the mental capacity to write this fic. my battle with depression continues, and sometimes, i can't work on this fic without getting triggered and having a panic attack or a depressive episode. HOWEVER. i'm doing better, i'm on new meds, and i'm starting to go uphill! so the wait will never be four fucking months again, i swear. 
> 
> second: thank you so much for the continued support on this fic. it means so, so much to me, as this is such a deeply personal fic for me. i've had a lot of relationship troubles recently, with gaining and losing a girlfriend, being ignored and stood up by someone i liked, and with my abusive ex contacting me again. she inspired this story, so when she contacted me, i lost all strength to write this.
> 
> third: the fic will be finished by valentine's day. i'm setting that deadline for myself to encourage regular writing and posting.
> 
> -
> 
> this chapter marks the beginning of the third story arc!! its gonna be a lot different from now on, but i hope i will still capture the tone and mood that makes this fic what it is!!
> 
> warnings for: self-harm, panic attacks, depression, physical abuse

Everything was different now.

After the team had found out, Shoyo found himself almost overwhelmed by the support and protection the team was showing to both him and Tobio. Neither of them went anywhere alone.

Shoyo was staying with Chikara, someone whose house was unknown to Yusuke. Chikara, Narita, and Kinoshita walked him to school, while Tsukishima’s brother picked up Tobio.  After morning practice, Shimizu walked them to class. They spent lunch on the roof with Kei, Tadashi, and the new first year manager, Yachi. Tanaka and Noya walked them to afternoon practice. After school, Daichi and Suga drove the two and Chikara home.

Shoyo felt safe for the first time in nearly two years.

He was safe.

**_ As long as I’m beside you, you're invincible. _**

-

“Can we stop at my- at Yusuke's apartment?” Shoyo asked hesitantly, with an anxious, iron grip on Tobio’s wrist. “My stuff is still there.”

“What if he’s there?” Chikara pointed out.

“He won't be,” Shoyo promised, “He has cram school on Wednesdays, and doesn't usually come home until late.”

“You do need your things,” Daichi accepted, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “We’ll stop, but you'll stay in the car with Suga. It's not safe for you to be there.”

“It’s not safe for Tobio, either,” Shoyo argued.

“It's not up for discussion, Hinata,” Daichi told firmly. “You stay here. We’ll get your stuff.”

Shoyo sighed, but let the argument go, letting his forehead fall against the cool window. He couldn't even go to his boyfriend’s apartment any more.

His  _ ex- _ boyfriend. Yusuke wasn't his boyfriend anymore. Yusuke was abusive and cruel, and Shoyo didn't want him.

_ I love you so much, Sho _ . 

And somehow, he still loved Yusuke.

_ I’ll kill you. _

And he was still terrified of Yusuke.

Shoyo felt a gentle hand against his and he blinked, looking at Tobio. Tobio was pulling his hand away from his arm, where blood was oozing from fresh scratches.

Shoyo felt sick. He hadn't even realized that he had been hurting himself.

“It's okay,” Tobio murmured, and somehow, that was all Shoyo needed to hear. He threw his arms around Tobio, burying his face in the taller boy’s chest.

**_I believe in you._ **

He could do this.

-

Shoyo’s shoulder was brushing against Tobio’s as they walked down the hall, Shoyo laughing about something stupid Tobio had said. The darkness was still there in his mind, but it was like it was muted. He was able to ignore it and smile.

He could laugh again, happily and genuinely.

Shoyo’s chest seized up mid-laugh as his eyes met Yusuke's across the hall. He instinctively flinched back against Tobio, but he didn't need to. Yusuke sneered before looking away.

Yusuke didn't even want to look at him anymore. Yusuke, the only one who had ever loved him.

_ How would it make you feel if I ditched you? _

“T-Tobi,” Shoyo stuttered out, breaths coming fast and tears building. “I need-”

Tobio just looked at him, clearly unsure of what to do. He awkwardly reached for Shoyo

_ the crack of a hand against his face _

and Shoyo slapped his hand away, reeling back. He stumbled down the hall, his only thoughts of leaving Tobio behind him so that he could punish himself.

He burst into the first bathroom he came to, and fell to his knees. His chest heaved painfully, and his eyes were wet and blurry as he desperately dug through his bag.

_ Go fucking burn yourself, you emo fuck _ . 

His fingers were trembling violently as he pulled out the lighter, holding it just below his arm.

**_I believe in you._ **

_ God, I’ve fucked everything up, haven’t I? _

“Sorry, Tobio,” he murmured with a hiccup before flicking the lighter and losing himself in the pain.

-

It was two hours later when Kei found him, lifting him out of the fetal position and murmuring something meaningless. 

Shoyo hated it.

He hated how fucking pathetic he was. He had run off to the bathroom and burned himself, and he had stayed there, on the filthy floor, for hours.

“You're not pathetic,” Kei told firmly, as if he could sense Shoyo's self-deprecating thoughts. “That bastard hurt you, and it’s not surprising that you have some issues. That doesn't make you weak or pathetic; it makes you strong.”

Shoyo sniffled and managed a smile. “I wish I could believe you, Kei.”

-

Shoyo was left gasping after practice, and he let himself stagger dramatically into the club room, flopping down on the floor.

“Kill me now,” he complained with a whine.

Tanaka chuckled loudly, stepping over him. “This looks familiar!”

Daichi chuckled as well. “I’ll make sure it's you tomorrow, Tanaka. Five extra laps?”

“Gehh?! Daichi-san!!” Tanaka protested.

Chikara clapped him on the back with a smirk. He extended a hand to Shoyo, “Come on. You have to change.”

Shoyo took the offered hand, groaning in complaint as he got to his feet. “I forgot how brutal practice can be!”

As he changed back into his uniform, his eyes fell on his phone, sticking out of his bag slightly.

He should really call his mom.

A wave of intense guilt hit him as he realized just what he had done to her. He had stormed out like an asshole, and hadn't even texted her since then. She had to be beside herself with worry.

“Everything okay?” Chikara asked him.

“Yeah,” Shoyo told, shoving his guilt aside and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I just need to call my mom when we get-”

Get where? Home? Chikara's house wasn't his home. Did he even have a home?

Last week, Yusuke's place was home, but that apartment was only a reminder of the intense pain he had gone through.

He hadn't been to his mom's house in a long time, which just added to his guilt.

Chikara's house was just somewhere he was staying.

Shoyo didn't have a home.

**_Trust me._ **

No.

He had a home.

He looked around the room at his laughing, beautiful teammates. They were supportive, and they cared about him, despite how fucked up he was.

His home was with them, and he couldn’t dream of anything better.

-

“Hey, mom,” Shoyo greeted weakly, anxiously, his knuckles white around the phone.

_ “Oh goodness, Shoyo!!!” _ she exclaimed.  _ “Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in a month!!!” _

Shoyo exhaled shakily, forcing back his building tears. “I’m not okay. Mom, you were right.”

_ “About what? Talk to me, dear,”  _ she pleaded softly.

“Yusuke. I- he abused me. You were right about him.” Shoyo couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, and let out a choked sob. “I left him.”

_ “I’m so sorry, Shoyo. I should have done more. I knew that something was wrong,”  _ she told sadly, voice trembling.  _ “Are you safe now?” _

“Mhm! I’m staying with one of my teammates,” Shoyo assured, “My team has been so supportive. They won’t let him get near me, don’t worry.”

_ “I’ll always worry about you,”  _ she laughed weakly.  _ “When are you coming home, sweetheart? Natsu and I, we miss you.” _

Shoyo bit his lip, his grip on the phone growing even tighter. “It’s not safe, mama. Yusuke-  _ Kamachi  _ knows where the house is. I can’t come home until we know it’s safe.”

_ “I understand. It’s most important that you’re save,”  _ she said, softly and melancholic.  _ “Maybe Natsu and I could meet you for dinner, at the least?” _

That was the last straw for Shoyo. He started sobbing in earnest.

“I’d love that.”

-

“Thanks for having us, Yacchan!!” Shoyo grinned, waving and shouting over his shoulder as he followed Kageyama down the street.

“I still don’t understand any of that,” Tobio confessed.

Shoyo laughed, “It’s okay, Bakageyama-kun! I’m good at English, so I’ll help you out later!”

Tobio smiled, a rare but welcome sight. In a moment of courage, Shoyo let his fingers brush against Tobio’s. 

_ Are you cheating on me? _

No. Yu- _ Kamachi  _ would not hurt him anymore. They weren’t together. Shoyo was allowed to fall for other people, and even date other people if he wanted.

But not yet.

Shoyo let his hand fall away, breaking the contact. It would be selfish of him, to lead Tobio on when he knew he wasn’t ready for another relationship.

Maybe one day.

“Hinata, where’s your bag?” Tobio asked suddenly.

“Crap!!” Shoyo exclaimed, noticing its absence. “I must have left it at Yacchan’s!! Wait here, I’ll run and get it.”

“Sure you want to go alone?” Tobio asked, “I can go with you.”

Shoyo waved him off with a smile. “It’s fine! It’s barely five minutes away. Be right back!!”

With that, he started to jog away, heading back towards Yachi’s apartment. 

“Found you~”

Without warning, Shoyo was dragged sideways by his hair. He was pulled into an alley, and slammed into the dirty bricks to see-

“Let me  _ go,  _ Kamachi!!” he yelled, thrashing wildly and trying to break free.

“No, I don’t think I will, you little slut,” Kamachi sneered, “I thought I made myself clear, but it looks like we’ll have to go over it again. You belong to me, Hinata Shoyo, and you’re not allowed to leave me. Not unless I say you can.”

“You don’t own me!” Shoyo spat, “You’re cruel and abusive, and I won’t accept it anymore.”

“But I do own you,” Kamachi smirked, leaning in. His lips found Shoyo’s neck, and Shoyo wasn’t strong enough to shove him off. “I love you, babe, and you love me. You can’t tell me you don’t!”

“You don’t know me,” Shoyo hissed, “And you certainly don’t know how I’m feeling.”

Kamachi pulled back with a laugh, connecting their gazes. “Shoyo, I’ve never forced you to love me. You know that. Look me in the eyes right now and tell me you don’t love me. If you can do it, I’ll never touch you again.”

“I don’t love you,” Shoyo managed, but he didn’t even believe himself.

After everything, he still loved Yusuke. There was a large part of him that wanted to throw himself at Yusuke’s feet, sobbing and begging for forgiveness or punishment. 

It was like nothing had changed.

**_I believe in you._ **

No. Everything had changed. He had good friends, friends that would always stand behind him. Friends who supported him, friends who would never judge him.

“Step the fuck back, Kamachi Yusuke.”

Friends who would protect him.

Tobio stood at the entrance to the alley, his phone open in one hand.

Kamachi simply laughed. “Look, Shoyo! It’s your new fucktoy.”

“Don’t you call him that!” Shoyo shouted,  starting his struggle anew. “Tobi, call someone! Daichi, Kei-!”

“I already did,” Tobio told coldly, walking closer to the pair and snapping the phone closed. “The entire team is on the way. Step away from him, Kamachi.”

“Make me,” Kamachi mocked, his hand sliding up to Shoyo’s throat. Shoyo choked and gasped, and he saw Tobio snap.

Tobio tore Kamachi off of him, throwing him against the wall. His fist met Kamachi’s face once, twice, three times before Tobio bodily shoved him to the ground. 

Tobio kicked his face, and Shoyo heard something break.

“Stop, Tobi. You’ve done enough,” Shoyo found himself saying, “Let’s just get out of here, okay?”

Tobio cast one last icy glare towards the groaning Kamachi before turning back to Shoyo. “Can you walk?”

“Yeah,” Shoyo confirmed, looking back at Kamachi. He swallowed nervously. “This is where it ends, Kamachi. I won’t press charges for any of the abuse, but you can’t stay here. Move to Hokkaido. Live with your parents again, okay? Maybe they can even help you! I- I don’t believe that you’re a bad person, okay? You just need help. Let your parents help you.”

“You have a month to move,” Tobio added, looking to Shoyo for confirmation. Shoyo nodded with a small smile. “If you’re still in Miyagi at the end of the month, we will go to the police.”

Tobio took Shoyo’s hand and together, they left the alley behind them.

They left Kamachi Yusuke behind them, and Shoyo began the next chapter of his life.

A chapter without Yusuke.

It was everything he had ever dreamed of, and yet, somehow, it still hurt.

He still loved Yusuke.

But, as Tobio squeezed his hand, he knew that he would get through it.

They would get through it together.

-

**To: the small giant** **From: tooru.mulder** **Subject: [None]**

heyyy chibi-chan!! this is the great oikawa-san~ refreshing-kun gave me ur mail!    
he told me wht happened and i wanted to say i understand   
i have someone i wnt u to talk to, if thats okay~!  
meet us at tht store by ur school after practice tom? u cn bring tobio-chan too !!  
and im sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my [writing blog](https:charlie-albus.tumblr.com) for updates and news!!! i'm planning on doing some live-writing of the next chapter, so if you're interested in watching me write fly, follow me and watch for an announcement!!!


	18. 17- Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tobio, Oikawa-san asked me to meet him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kyoutani is characterized slightly differently in this, as his backstory is different. particularly, his dialogue is very different. i hope it isnt too jarring or ooc!! it was just very important for the ending of this fic <3
> 
> warnings: brief self harm, panic attacks, eating disorder

“Tobio, Oikawa-san asked me to meet him.”

“What?!” Tobio demanded, setting aside his milk container. “Why? What did he say?”

“He emailed me yesterday,” Shoyo told, passing his phone to Tobio. “I dunno what he wants. I think- I think maybe Suga-san told him about Yusuke.”

Tobio scowled as he read the email, and gave the phone back to Shoyo. “I agree. But I think you should meet him. Underneath his shitty personality, he cares about people, and Iwaizumi-senpai would kick his ass if he did something bad.”

Shoyo bit his lip, thinking. “Do you know who he wants me to meet?”

“No idea,” Tobio said, then nudged his arm. “Come on, eat your lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Shoyo denied, then winced. He was lying on instinct. He was hungry, so hungry, but-

_ You fatass. You’re disgusting. _

He couldn’t eat.

“I know you are, Hinata,” Tobio said softly, “You can eat. It’s okay.”

Shoyo blinked back a tear, “But it’s not, is it? I’m fat. I’m disgusting and worthless.”

“You aren’t,” Tobio promised, “You’re an athlete. You need to eat more than other people to make up for the calories you burn when we’re practicing. And Hinata, you’re already a lot skinnier than you should be, so eat your damn lunch.”

Shoyo looked into Tobio’s eyes, and found no dishonesty there. He took a shaky breath, and picked up his chopsticks once more.

“Itadakimasu,” he murmured, and took a bite.

-

Practice was weird that day. Daichi seemed to be giving Shoyo a pass on everything hard or unpleasant, and he hated it.

He hated watching his teammates gasp and struggle as they did lap after lap of flying falls, and he sat to the side with Kiyoko and Yachi as if he was injured.

As if he couldn’t do it.

As if he wasn’t good enough.

Shoyo felt the panic attack building, and he tried to push it back. He should be happy that he got a pass on the exhausting activity. Yeah, he should be happy. He didn’t have the right to be upset, the right to panic.

_ You played like shit. _

_ You’re worthless. _

It was true, wasn’t it? He was worthless, and it was undeniable that he had played like shit that day. Why else would Daichi bench him?

He wasn’t good at volleyball, so why should he get to practice with the team?

He should just quit.

Shoyo scratched at his forearm, his vision blurring with unshed tears. He should just quit volleyball. They knew he was worthless, but they didn’t have the courage to say anything.

At least with Yusuke, there was no guessing. He always knew what his boyfriend was thinking.

He missed Yusuke.

He hated Yusuke.

He wanted Yusuke back.

Even now, Yusuke could control him.

“Are you okay, Hinata-kun?” Kiyoko asked kindly, her tone tinged with worry.

“Fine,” he managed to choke out, “I just- I- can’t-”

“Are you having a panic attack?” she continued, and her hand found his, pulling it away from his now-bleeding arm. “Do you need some air?”

“No, I need- Kei,” he gasped, biting down on his lip in an attempt to ground himself. 

It didn’t work.

Kiyoko got up, walking over to Daichi and murmuring something. Shoyo started to rock back and forth, Yachi’s concerned gaze only making things worse.

“Take deep breaths, Hinata,” Yachi told him, “Do you like to be touched when you have attacks? I can hug you! But only if you want, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable!”

“A hug would be nice. P-Please,” he stuttered out. 

Her small arms wrapped loosely around him, and he found himself unconsciously leaning in to her gentle touch.

It was different from Kei’s firm embrace. It was different from his mother’s clinging touch. It was different from Yusuke’s unforgiving hold.

It was nice, in a way.

Kei’s hands found his, gently pulling him up and leading him away. Away from the gym, away from a team that didn’t think he could keep up.

As soon as Shoyo was out of the gym, he stopped holding back the tears, the panic. Kei had to practically carry him to the nearest bathroom.

“Breathe,” Kei instructed, holding Shoyo tight to his chest. “Should I talk, or do you want to?”

“I-I don’t- talk, please,” Shoyo sobbed, chest heaving. His every breath hurt, but somehow, he liked it. He enjoyed it.

He deserved it.

“Most dinosaurs are depicted as having firm or scaly skin; however, this isn’t always the case. It was actually very common for a dinosaur to have a fluffy, feathery skin…”

Kei’s voice, as always, worked miracles. Shoyo didn’t know what it was about the taller boy’s cold, even tone reciting random factoids, but it was strangely calming.

His tears didn’t stop, but his chest loosened, and his breathing started to slow. He hiccuped, pulling away from Kei just slightly to run the back of his hand across his sticky face, clearing what dried tears he could.

“I’m sorry,” Shoyo muttered guiltily, “I lost control, and pulled you away from practice.”

Kei snorted, “I don’t care. It’s just a club. Are you okay now?”

“Better,” Shoyo admitted, biting his lip. “I could- if you don’t mind, I want to talk about it?”

“Of course I don’t mind,” Kei dismissed, leaning on the row of sinks. “Talk. I’ll help if I can.”

Shoyo took a deep, shuddering breath, smiling internally about the simple fact that he was able to talk to Kei. He hadn’t been able to talk to many people about his feelings, not since Yusuke-

But Yusuke didn’t matter right now.

“I don’t want to have to sit out of practice,” Shoyo said quickly, trying to get it out before he could start doubting himself. “It makes me feel-”

_ Disgusting. Worthless. Pathetic. _

He choked, his words leaving him. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell Kei everything, not about the true depth of his self-loathing.

“You don’t have to say it,” Kei said softly, “I’ll talk to Daichi. He was trying to give you some time to recover, but I told him it was a bad idea. You need everything to be normal, right? To take your mind off shit.”

Shoyo nodded, relieved that Kei understood and that he wouldn’t have to vocalize it.

“Thank you, Kei. I don’t say it enough,” Shoyo smiled, wiping at his face again.

Kei only ruffled his hair with a smirk. “Don’t mention it, shortie.”

-

Shoyo didn’t go back to practice. He used the time remaining to clean himself up, nervous about the meeting with Oikawa. He only returned at the end of practice, to meet Tobio before they went to the meeting place.

“You’re okay with coming, right?” Shoyo asked anxiously, “I just don’t want to go alone.”

Tobio snorted, “Of course I’m okay with it, dumbass. I’m not gonna leave you alone with that shitty guy.”

_ You’re such a fucking dumbass. _

No.

This wasn’t the same. When Yusuke called him a dumbass, it was maliciously, with intent to hurt. Tobio, though… He just didn’t know how to express himself without coming off as an asshole. 

Shoyo found that he didn’t really mind being called a dumbass if it was Tobio calling him that.

“Ready to go?” Tobio asked, startling Shoyo out of his inner monologue.

“Ready!!” he agreed cheerfully, shouldering his bag.

“Are you two going somewhere?” Daichi asked, a nervous tone to his voice. 

“Don’t worry, Daichi-san! We’re meeting someone, but we aren’t going farther than Sakanoshita. And Chikara already agreed to wait and walk us home!” Shoyo reassured with a grin, “We’ll be safe, I promise.”

With that, Shoyo skipped after Tobio, shouting a farewell behind him and falling into step beside the setter.

“Who do you think Oikawa-san wants me to meet?” Shoyo asked, a slight spring in his step.

“Dunno,” Tobio said, “I don’t know most of his team, only Iwaizumi-senpai, Kindaichi, and Kunimi. I guess it could be Iwaizumi-senpai.”

Shoyo hummed thoughtfully, unconsciously chewing on his lip. He was getting progressively more nervous as they drew closer to Sakanoshita.

-

They stopped walking at the entrance to the store, and Shoyo swallowed hard. His nerves were still climbing, and his fingers were drumming a frantic beat on his thighs.

This was a bad idea.

No, Shoyo shouldn’t have agreed to meet Oikawa. It was a terrible idea.

He couldn’t do it.

“Tobio, I don’t think-” he started.

“Tobio-chan!! Chibi-chan!!” Oikawa’s shrill voice cut him off, and the two turned to see Oikawa walking down the sidewalk, followed closely by their reserve setter and the blond he had seen at the Inter-High.

“Hello, Oikawa-san,” Tobio greeted blandly.

“Hello!” Shoyo added, his tone purposefully more enthusiastic than Tobio’s.

“This is Yahacchi and Kyouken-chan!!” he introduced the two behind him with a flashy grin. 

“Yahaba Shigeru,” the reserve setter corrected, “And this is Kyoutani Kentarou.”

“Yes, yes,” Oikawa waved a hand impatiently. “Let’s find somewhere more private to talk, okay?~”

“Ukai should let us use the back room,” Tobio offered, “Let’s head inside the store. No one’ll overhear us back there.”

“Look at my little Tobio-chan, all grown up and having sensible ideas!!” Oikawa smirked, “Lead the way, little kouhai.”

“I’m not your damn kouhai anymore,” Tobio grumbled, but led them inside. After a few quick words with Ukai, he let them into the back room, and the five of them arranged themselves on various boxes and chairs.

“Okay, you’ve probably already guessed this, Hinata-chan.” Oikawa’s voice lost some of its air, and the mood grew serious. “Suga-chan told us about your situation. I’m sorry that you had to go through that!”

“You couldn’t have done anything,” Shoyo dismissed.

“You’re right!! But we can do something now!” Oikawa told happily, “Kyou-chan, do you mind if we tell your story?”

Kyoutani signed something, and Yahaba rubbed his shoulder softly.

“Is he deaf?” Shoyo blurted out, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Oikawa laughed, “Don’t be silly!! He wouldn’t have heard me if he was! No, Kyou-chan’s selectively mute because of what happened to him. He only speaks when he’s feeling comfy.”

“Kyoutani was in an abusive relationship a lot like yours, Hinata-kun,” Yahaba said, his voice tinged with sadness. “His boyfriend was- well, he wasn’t a good person. You know all about that, I’m sure.”

Shoyo nodded, his fingers twitching and dancing in his lap.

“There was an asshole who hurt Kyou-chan a lot, and not only physically,” Oikawa continued, “It took him a long time to recover, even though that ass was brought to justice! That’s why we wanted to talk to you, Hinata-chan. We want to help you recover, if we can.”

Shoyo didn’t really know what to say to that. He looked almost desperately to Tobio who, upon seeing the look, spoke up.

“How can you help him?” Tobio demanded, crossing his arms. “I seem to remember that you almost slapped me in middle school.”

“That was a long time ago!” Oikawa protested, “And I’d never raise a hand to our precious Chibi-chan.”

“Talk alone?” 

Kyoutani’s raspy, gravelly voice was sudden and shocking, and Oikawa’s eyes went wide.

“If you’re comfortable with that, Hinata-kun,” Yahaba told, withdrawing his hand from Kyoutani’s shoulder.

Exchanging a glance with Tobio, Shoyo blinked nervously. “I guess that’s okay. But please don’t go far, Tobio.”

“I’ll be right outside” Tobio promised, ruffling his hair quickly before standing, following Oikawa and Yahaba out of the room.

Shoyo and Kyoutani were alone.

“W-Why did you want to talk alone?” Shoyo asked nervously.

“They try, but they don’t understand,” Kyoutani told with a scoff, leaning back against the wall. “I understand. I went through it too.”

Somehow, those words struck a chord with Shoyo. Kyoutani was someone who really understood him!! None of his feelings would be foreign to another person who was abused.

Maybe, just maybe, he could find some answers.

“Why do I still love him?” Shoyo burst out, forgetting that he didn’t know Kyoutani and leaning forward. “Why don’t I hate him?”

Kyoutani sighed, “Love is bullshit. You don’t get to decide! It happens, no control. No choice to stop loving some dick who called you worthless and slapped you around. Not your fault.”

Shoyo felt tears start to flow.

**_Not your fault._ **

“I think- I needed to hear that,” Shoyo sniffled, “Thank you.”

Kyoutani shook his head. “Don’t mind. I want to help. You want to talk? Tell me everything?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” Shoyo agreed with a weak smile. “I’ve never been able to talk about it all, you know. My friends, they try their best, but there’s some things I just can never tell them.”

_ Baby, you had the best sex of your life. Does it really matter how it happened? _

Kyoutani let a small smile cross his face too. “Tell me. I understand. Won’t judge.”

Shoyo took a deep breath, one hand finding the corner of the box he was perched upon with an iron grip, and started at the very beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up on my [writing blog!!](https://charlie-albus.tumblr.com) I post updates on there, and occasionally livewrite chapters!! If you want to watch the process and ask me questions live, follow me and wait for a post announcing it!!


	19. 18- Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was okay that he still loved Kamachi. It was normal, even.
> 
> And he would get through it.

After talking to Kyoutani, Shoyo felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

 

It was a relief, somehow, to know that he wasn’t the only one who’d been in an abusive relationship. He wasn’t even the only volleyball player in Miyagi who’d been in an abusive relationship.

 

It really helped him come to terms with his feelings.

 

It was okay that he still loved Kamachi. It was normal, even.

 

And he would get through it.

 

He swapped contact information with Kyoutani, with a mutual promise to email if they needed support. 

 

That was a promise that he could actually keep.

 

“How was it?” Tobio asked as they walked back towards the school.

 

“Good,” Shoyo responded with a smile. “Kyoutani-san was easy to talk to, and I think it really helped!”

 

“I’m glad. You shouldn’t be sad all the time, dumbass Hinata. You deserve to be happy,” Tobio told with a rare, genuine smile.

 

Shoyo grinned, and in a moment of courage, grabbed Tobio’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

 

“Is this okay?” Shoyo asked quietly.

 

“Of course it is, stupid,” Tobio grumbled, looking away. Shoyo could see a light pink blush spreading across Tobio’s cheeks, and he laughed.

 

Maybe everything would be okay.

 

-

 

“Heyyy, Shoyo!! How’s it going?!” Noya asked excitedly as he toed his shoes off, followed by Tanaka and the other second years.

 

“Pretty good, senpai!” Shoyo told with a grin. “I’m gonna join your study session, if that’s okay!”

 

“Of course it’s okay,” Chikara said, “Your grades are good, so I’ll be counting on you to help us help these two idiots.”

 

“Chikara!” Tanaka whined, “We aren’t idiots!”

 

“Come on, Ryuu, we’re totally idiots off the court,” Noya laughed, clapping him on the back. “But we’re fucking wizards on the court, which is what really matters!”

 

Chikara sighed, pressing a quick kiss to Tanaka’s forehead. “Come on, we’ll set up in the living room. My parents won’t be home until dinner.”

 

Shoyo raced ahead of the others to claim his favourite pillow, tucking his feet under him and emptying his backpack. The second years arranged themselves on pillows in a wonky circle, pulling out books and snacks.

 

“Alright, let’s start with the subjects you’re bad at,” Chikara told bluntly, “That’s contemporary lit for Ryuu and Noya, and- what’s your worst subject, Shoyo-kun?”

 

“Definitely English,” Shoyo told with a scowl, “I’m Japanese! Why do I have to learn English?”

 

Noya chuckled, “Right?! It’s dumb!”

 

“It may be dumb, but if you don’t want to have to take the supplementary courses, we’ve got to work on it,” Chikara said, “Let’s get started, okay? Shoyo-kun, let me see your latest test.”

 

Shoyo bit his lip nervously as he handed the quiz to Narita, who passed it to Kinoshita, and his hand automatically went to his wrist.

 

“Hinata-kun, you got 66 on this quiz!” Kinoshita exclaimed as he passed the quiz to Chikara. “If that’s your worst subject, you must be acing your best!”

 

_ I don’t understand why you’re so worked up about this. I mean, it’s not a good grade. You need to work a little harder. _

 

“It’s not like that’s a good grade,” Shoyo dismissed with a weak laugh, “It sucks. And I’m definitely not acing anything. I guess I’m best in contemporary lit, but I only got 77 on my last quiz.”

 

“Shoyo-kun, that’s really good!” Chikara insisted.

 

“It’s not, though!” Shoyo exclaimed suddenly, scratching at the still-healing burns on his wrist. “It’s not good enough! I need to get better, I need to do well, I need-”

 

_ Stop being such an idiot and get ready for the exams! _

 

“Hey, Hinata, it’s okay,” Tanaka soothed, grabbing his hand and pulling it away from his wrist. “You’re doing well. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, okay? I haven’t scored higher than a 60 since junior high. Your grades are good!”

 

_ Don’t get ahead of yourself, Shoyo. You need to think about your future. Volleyball isn't going to get you that far. You should focus on your studies. What happens when I'm in university, up at Todai, and you can't get in? We'll be separated, and you don't want that, do you? After all, what would you do without me? _

 

“B-but they aren’t good enough,” Shoyo insisted, chest tight and lungs heaving. “They aren’t good enough, and I’ll fail the exams, and I won’t get into Todai and he’ll  _ leave me behind, senpai, I can’t get left behind!” _

 

“Hey, hey, Hinata, look at me,” Tanaka urged, moving in front of Shoyo and taking his hands. “You’re okay. You’re safe. Just focus on me, okay?”

 

Shoyo sniffled, hiccuping loudly. “Sen-senpai, I can’t- I can’t fail! I can’t get left behind, I can’t lose him! I love him! I- fuck, I hate him, but I can’t stand the idea of being away from him!”

 

Tanaka pulled him close, wrapping him in a warm embrace and letting him cry into his shoulder.

 

“It’s going to be okay, I promise,” Tanaka murmured, “Trust your senpai to protect you.”

 

“Can someone t-talk, please?” Shoyo whispered, “Just talk, about- about anything.”

 

“Oi, Noya-san, did you ever tell Hinata about the fire alarm?” Tanaka asked.

 

“I didn’t!” Noya exclaimed, “Okay, so, one day, the cafeteria was serving meat buns…”   
  
Shoyo let Noya’s voice wash over him, focusing on the warmth of Tanaka’s arms around him. He was safe. He was with his friends, who loved him and cared about him.

 

He was safe.

 

**_Love is bullshit. You don’t get to decide! It happens, no control. No choice to stop loving some dick who called you worthless and slapped you around. Not your fault._ **

 

It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t stop loving Kamachi. It wasn’t his fault that he had panic attacks. None of it was his fault.

 

He was safe..

 

_ After all, what would you do without me? _

 

Maybe, just maybe, he would learn to shine again. That’s what he would do without Kamachi.

 

He would reclaim the name Hinata and shine as brightly as the sun.

  
  


-

 

Shoyo sighed, letting his back rest against the sofa as he propped his feet up on a pillow and opened his phone. Without letting his fear or doubt paralyze him, he quickly dialed the familiar number.

 

_ “Hello?” _

 

“Hi, mom!!” Shoyo greeted enthusiastically.

 

_ “Shoyo!! Oh, it’s so good to hear from you!”  _ she said happily.

 

“It’s good to talk to you again, mom!!” Shoyo responded, grinning despite himself. He missed seeing her every day. He missed Natsu. He missed home.

 

_ “Darling, I’m not complaining, but what prompted this call?”  _

 

Shoyo took a deep breath. “I- I’m coming home soon, mom.”

 

_ “That’s wonderful!”  _ she gushed,  _ “But are you sure that it’s safe? I won’t let my baby get hurt anymore.” _

 

“It is, don’t worry,” Shoyo laughed, biting his lip absentmindedly. “Yu- Kamachi’s leaving. We gave him a time limit, and the time limit’s almost up. He’s moving to Hokkaido. I won’t ever see him again.”

 

_ “Oh, thank goodness!”  _ she sighed,  _ “Although I still think you should have pressed charges. But that doesn’t matter now!!! It just matters that you’re safe!!” _

 

“I am,” Shoyo told without a shred of doubt. “I’ll call you again later, okay? Once I know the details and stuff.”

 

_ “Okay, Shoyo! Take care of yourself,”  _ she told, a smile evident in her voice.  _ “I love you!” _

 

“I love you too!” He grinned before hanging up. Ahh, he couldn’t wait to move back home!

 

The smile melted off of his face when he glanced back at his phone.

 

Kamachi had called him again while he was on the phone.

 

Kamachi hadn’t stopped calling him since that day in the alley, when Tobio and him had given Kamachi the ultimatum to move to Hokkaido or they would press charges.

 

Kamachi was filling up his voicemail, but Shoyo couldn’t bring himself to delete the messages, and he didn’t want to listen to them.

 

Not alone, at least.

 

Shoyo sighed again and brought up his email.

  
  


**From: the small giant**

**To: KyouKen**

**Subject: [none]**

he called me again 

 

**From: KyouKen**

**To: the small giant**

**Subject: [none]**

don’t fucking answer 

 

**From: the small giant**

**To: KyouKen**

**Subject: im not an idiot!!!!**

i didnt dont be silly kyoutani-san

 

**From: KyouKen**

**To: the small giant**

**Subject: Re: im not an idiot!!!!**

good he just wants to get to you. and you can drop the honorific

 

**From: the small giant**

**To: KyouKen**

**Subject: Re: Re: im not an idiot!!!!**

i know he does its just so hard not to let him

 

**From: KyouKen**

**To: the small giant**

**Subject: never forget that you’re strong**

you can make it through this, hinata. he doesn’t own you anymore

 

**From: the small giant**

**To: KyouKen**

**Subject: youre strong too!!!!!!**

thank you kyoutani :) youre such a good friend

 

**From: KyouKen**

**To: the small giant**

**Subject: if you say so**

ugh. gross. affection.

 

Shoyo smiled as he closed his phone, setting it down beside him. Kyoutani really was a good friend, and an amazing person. They had been talking almost non-stop since they had exchanged numbers.

  
Shoyo tried to be a good friend too. Even Kyoutani, as strong as he seemed, had his bad days. When that happened, Shoyo would call him and talk about everything and anything until he either calmed down or fall asleep.

 

It made him overly happy to help Kyoutani. He loved helping people, he really did, and that had gotten completely lost when he was under Kamachi’s thumb.

 

It wasn’t lost anymore.

 

_ He  _ wasn’t lost anymore.

 

“Hey, Shoyo-san,” Chikara called from the kitchen, “Dinner’s almost ready, and my parents will be getting home soon. Do you mind setting plates out?”

 

“Sure, Chikara!” Shoyo shouted back, pushing off of the ground and struggling to his feet.

 

Maybe he’d have the courage to listen to the voicemails after dinner.

 

But probably not.

 

-

 

“Do you want to come over after school?” Tobio asked casually, leaning against the brick wall and poking Shoyo’s arm gently. “Eat your food.”

 

“I dunno,” Shoyo said hesitantly, “You live next door to him, remember? Is it safe?”

 

“It’s been a month,” Tobio reminded, “He should be gone, and if he’s not, he wouldn’t risk doing anything.”

 

Shoyo still wasn’t sure. He bit his lip, shoving his rice around with a chopstick. “Are you sure he wouldn't risk it? You don’t know him like I do.”

 

“I don’t,” Tobio admitted, “But I do know that he’s not an idiot. He wouldn’t risk us pressing charges.”

 

“I guess you have a point,” Shoyo said, both reluctant and anxious. 

 

“I’m not forcing you, dumbass.” Tobio rolled his eyes. “It’s your choice. But you can’t let your fear of that asswipe stop you from doing things you want to do. If you do, he wins.”

 

“You’re right!” Shoyo declared happily, the realization washing over him suddenly. If he let Kamachi control him, even now, then Kamachi would win. “I don’t belong to him anymore. He can’t touch me! I’ll come over!”

 

Tobio smiled, “That’s more like it, dumbass.”

 

-

 

“Hey, Tobio?” Shoyo asked quietly, looking up at the taller boy. He didn’t really know how it happened, but he was leaning against Tobio, with an arm around his shoulders and his face buried in Tobio’s chest.

 

“What?” Tobio responded in his typical blunt fashion.

 

Shoyo hesitated, “Nothing, just- thank you.”

 

That wasn’t what he wanted to say. He had wanted to ask Tobio to listen to Kamachi’s messages with him, but he froze.

 

Somehow,  though, Tobio knew.  “What were you really gonna say? You don’t have to be afraid around me, Hinata.”

 

“I know!! I’m not!!” Shoyo snapped in defense, then sighed. “You’re right, though. I was gonna ask… well. Kamachi’s been leaving voicemails on my phone.”

 

“Delete them,” Tobio interrupted, “Don’t let him get to you.”

 

“I can’t!” Shoyo told almost desperately, “I have to listen to them. I dunno why, but I just can’t delete them! I was gonna ask if maybe you would listen to them with me?”

 

“You don’t even have to ask,” Tobio said, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Anything you need, dumbass. Come on, let’s listen to some messages.”

 

Shoyo smiled, glad to be beside Tobio. There wasn’t anyone else he’d rather listen to the messages with. There probably wasn’t anyone he’d rather spend time with.

 

Shaking his head, he cleared his head and opened his phone. He only hesitated for a second before playing the first one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [writing blog](https://charlie-albus.tumblr.com) for updates and livewrites!!!


	20. 19 - Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **From: Kamachi Yusuke**
> 
> **Received: June 14, 23:51**
> 
> How could you do this to me?! I never left you alone! I would never leave you alone, so why are you leaving me? I hate you! I hate you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like, every chapter starts with an apology, so im just gonna stop? rip. 
> 
> warnings for mental illness, mentions of eating disorders, cheating, mentions of familial abuse, probably more that im forgetting so proceed with caution

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 13, 19:36**

Your new boyfriend’s a real piece of work, huh? He really smacked me around. I wonder how long it'll be before he’s smacking you around, baby. You love violent guys, don't you? Well, trust me, dear, he won't hurt you good like I did. He’ll just hurt you. He doesn't know you like I do, and he never will.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 13, 19:39**

I knew you were after that Kageyama fuck from the start. What is it? The hair? The muscles? Fuck you, Shoyo. I fucking loved you. We had issues, sure, but I loved you.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 01:03**

It's so hard without you. Baby… I can't sleep. I can't eat. I miss you so badly. Babe, I never stop thinking about you. Not for a second. I love you! I’m never gonna stop- fuck, I can't do this!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 08:57**

You're dead meat.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 08:59**

Please, Shoyo. Pick up. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it! I love you!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 21:12**

Fuck that. I don't want you back. Have fun with Kageyama. He doesn't love you. He never will.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 21:13**

How could you think that he would love you?! No one will ever love you as much as I do!! No one! If you leave me, you’ll never fucking find love again. You’ll be alone, you bitch. You want that? Huh?!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 23:28**

Pick up the phone or I’ll slit your damn throat.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 23:29**

I didn't mean that!! I won't ever lay a hand on you again, Sho-chan! I promise, I promise!! I love you! 

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 14, 23:51**

How could you do this to me?! I never left you alone! I would never leave you alone, so why are you leaving me? I hate you! I hate you!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 15, 00:02**

I don’t hate you. Shoyo, I love you!! I will always love you… Why are you doing this to me?!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 15, 04:11**

I'm so fucking pissed off right now. Take me back or I’ll kill you. Shit, take me back or I'll kill myself!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 17, 16:39**

I saw a therapist today, Shoyo. I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I'm getting meds. I'm such a mess… I'm so sorry for ruining you, my love. I'm not asking for forgiveness- that's a fucking lie. Please, please forgive me. You were everything to me. It was all because I'm fucked in the head, but I'm getting better! Please take me back! Please…

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 17, 21:09**

I don’t know what to do anymore, Shoyo. Everything I thought I was isn’t real. I know I was a shitty person, but at least I knew who I was. Now, I know that my personality was a manifestation of some fucking mental illness. I don’t know who I am. What I do know is that I never felt more myself than when I was next to you. I don’t expect you to return my calls, but my therapist said I should stop lying, so I’m gonna start telling you the truth. Once a day, I’m going to tell you something I lied about, in order to give us both closure. I’ll try not to be a fucking dick, too, but it’s still hard to stop.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 17, 22:01**

Yeah fucking right. One stupid therapy session doesn’t change shit, you hear? I still hate you, you little bitch. You’re still dead. 

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 18, 12:22**

Day one, I guess. Shit, it’s hard to hold back that part of myself that just wants to scream at you and hit you and destroy you, but I’m gonna try. So. There’s been so many lies, I don’t know which one to start with. I guess I’ll just pick one? I lied to you about cram school, babe. Wednesday afternoons, I went to this shithole of a pub and got wrecked. After a while, the owner started letting me into the basement, where they had underground poker games. I haven’t been in cram school since junior high. I’m sorry for lying about that.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 19, 07:14**

Day two!! I was lying when I called you fat. You’re a lot of things, baby, but you aren’t fat, and I’m sorry. I probably fucked your mind up a bit, huh. I got some pamphlets on depression and eating disorders and shit and I’m sorry for doing that to you. You aren’t fat, you’re beautiful, and I don’t deserve you.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 19, 07:18**

I don’t deserve you?! Give me a break!! You don’t deserve me, bitch!! You don’t!!! I could have anyone I wanted! I could!!! I don’t need you, and you’ll never find someone like me, ever. Fuck you.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 19, 19:44**

Sorry. Today was a bad day. I mean, every day’s a bad day without you, but today was especially shitty. I haven’t started those meds yet, I gotta wait til next week, so my moods are still up and down. I’m sorry, but I’m probably gonna leave some more nasty voicemails before I get it under control. Just know that I don’t mean it, not any of it. I’ll never love someone as much as I love you.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 20, 06:05**

Day three, I guess. I was lying when I said your mom doesn’t love you. Shit, I’ve met her. She idolizes you, you and Natsu. You’re everything to her, and she’ll support you through anything. I lied because I was jealous, okay?! I don’t have that!! My parents- fuck, they- I hate them!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 21, 23:20**

Fuck you, Hinata. I don’t have to do this. You don’t deserve these truths. You know what you deserve? My hands around your neck. You deserve to look into my eyes as the life leaves your body, and you know what I’d do?! I’d fucking laugh! Bitch!!

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 24, 18:37**

I’m so sorry, Shoyo. I figured I’d leave you alone until after my next therapy session, so you don’t have to listen to any more shit like that. I don’t want to kill you. I don’t even want to hurt you. So it’s time for the next truth, even though I know it’ll hurt you, and I don’t want to do that. Here goes, then. I- when this all started, I lied. I didn’t want to date you. It was a stupid. Fucking. Dare. I asked you out on a dare, but I didn’t expect to fall in love with you. Shit, I’m not even gay, to be honest. But that’s a truth for tomorrow. Just know that the boy you dated in junior high isn’t me, and the boy who slapped you around isn’t me either. The real me is- do you remember the day we found that bird on the ground? She was so small, and she didn’t know how to fly yet? You ran ahead to search for the nest while I carefully picked her up. I didn’t want to hurt her. We found the nest, and the sun was warm on our faces, and your eyes sparkled as you kissed me. That’s who I really am, and I wish you could have seen the real me more. But it’s too late for that now. 

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 25, 03:11**

I can’t sleep, so I’ll do today’s truth early. I kinda started yesterday, so I’ll continue off of that. I’m not gay, Shoyo. I know you thought I was, but I think I’m bi. When we started dating, I thought I was straight. I cheated on you, baby. Sometimes, on those Wednesdays, I’d pick up a random girl and I’d sleep with her. I feel so bad about it now, but I did so much worse than that. I know I’m not straight now, because I love you. I never loved any of them, I promise, and if I could do it over again, I wouldn’t cheat. Hell, there’s a lot I wouldn’t do if we could do it over, and I know I wouldn’t lay a hand on you.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 25, 08:15**

Today, I take meds for my borderline for the first time. Wish me luck.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 25, 17:33**

_ Fuck,  _ they work, Shoyo. I feel- I feel so good!! But. At the same time, I feel like- I feel like shit!!! All it took was a fucking pill! Why didn’t I do this sooner?! If I’d have known-! I could still have you! I fucked it all up! I’m so sorry, I promise, please-”

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 26, 12:43**

I know you probably know this already, but all of those times I tore you down for liking volleyball? None of those were true. I used to love volleyball. I remember seeing that Seijoh player- you know him, I’m sure you do. The Small Giant. I saw him play, and I fell in love. But my parents… they told me I’d never be good enough to play. I grew to hate volleyball, and I took my own self-loathing out on you. Shoyo, you’re amazing at volleyball. I wish I had even a fraction of your talent.

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 26, 17:06**

No, I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. That’s all the truths you’re getting from me, it hurts too fucking much. I can’t stand it, talking to you like this and thinking about how much I miss you, how much I still love you!!! I can’t do it!!

 

-

  
That was the last one. Shoyo took a shaky breath, leaning on Kageyama, and tried to stop the lump of tears from forcing their way up his throat and onto his face. No, he wouldn’t cry for Kamachi. He  _ couldn’t.  _

 

The last message had hardly finished playing when the screen of the phone lit up with an incoming call. Exchanging a look with Kageyama and clutching his hand tight, Shoyo took a deep breath before answering.

 

-

 

**From: Kamachi Yusuke**

**Received: June 30, 21:59**

I didn’t expect you to answer, aha. I just want to talk, okay? Don’t worry about answering, just listen to me. Please. This is the last time I’m gonna be calling you, Hinata Shoyo. You’re free of me, and I’m free of these lies. This is the last truth I have to tell you, Sho. I lied about my parents. They didn’t just fuck off to Hokkaido. I- shit, I did what you did. They abused me, babe. They hit me, and I threatened to go to the police if they didn’t move away and leave me alone. I did exactly what you did, baby, and that’s why we worked. We’re the same, Sho. We are the same. You did exactly what I would have done, and that’s why I still respect you. I respect you so fucking much.  _ Sigh.  _ But, you know, I can’t go back to that. I can’t become a victim again. So… I guess that means that this is it? I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me, Shoyo, for everything. Never stop playing volleyball. You’re strong and beautiful and talented. Take Kageyama’s hand and run, and don’t stop running until you’ve got a gold fucking medal around your neck, and you’re standing hand in hand in the middle of a goddamn Olympic stadium. Live beautifully, like I never could. This is goodbye, Hinata Shoyo. I love you, and that’s the one thing I never lied about.

 

-

 

The line went dead, and a second later, Shoyo’s blood ran cold as the unmistakable sound of a gunshot resounded through the air. He shot to his feet and ran from the apartment with only one thought in his mind.

 

_ “Yusuke!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, if you want to watch me livewrite and chat with me live, follow my [writing blog](https://charlie-albus.tumblr.com) and watch for an announcement post!!


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